To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

Looks like OP will just be giving different reasons until everyone agrees she shouldn’t go 🙈

Then when we say she shouldn't go she'll say why not? I'm family. It's my niece..

Well, let’s try that. It would make a nice change.

OP, you should definitely not go to this wedding.

I met my dh family at our wedding! They mostly live abroad so they flew in for the wedding. (They hadnt happened to visit before our wedding so I never got the chance to meet them.) According to op, my dh siblings shouldn’t have come. That’s ridiculous.

Honestly OP you can't police how other people choose to spend their money, or pass judgement because it's not what you would do.

You say you're not a money grabber which is fine, but you're in danger of offending people by refusing gifts / invites offered in good faith and by family.

Yes, partners of friends/family. Our parents had friends there too that we didn’t know

@CheeseWisely Surely one can decline an offer if it makes them feel uncomfortable? Here - let me buy X. Ah that's really kind of you, but I'd rather get it myself/I can't afford it myself so won't have it.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung look you have responded with over 5 pages of answers, giving these holier than thou posts. You really are coming across as myopic.

You keep trying to justify your own stance when everyone is telling you it is perfectly normal for a niece to invite her uncle and his spouse to their wedding.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to go and feel a deeper connection with your DH's family. I am calling BS on you not being able to afford it, I assume you have months to save up and you only brought this up on your last flurry of responses. Is there a Premier Inn nearby? It really does sound like you are just making up excuses not to go. This would be a shame for DH, you and your DC to hang out at a lovely occasion with relatives. Please see the bigger picture here, particularly for your DH & DC.

Odd thread, it reads like there are multiple reasons you don’t want to go, you don’t know the other guests really, worried about what to wear, don’t have any money to spare.

I think these are fine reasons, and I’d say just be honest rather than the rather silly going to a strangers wedding thing,

@Youthiswastedontheyoung Well there's a point where it simply becomes Martyrdom. 'We'd like you all to be at this family celebration with us so we're happy to cover the hotel room to make things easier'

'No, we can't afford it ourselves and won't accept it from you so we just won't be going, no matter who that upsets'.

Likewise you Pooh-poohing their generous birthday gift because you want less. There's a point that it becomes rude and offensive. These are gifts. It's not money-grabbing to accept a gift.

Agree with a PP anyway, if a date hasn't yet been set then the wedding must be months away. There's opportunity there to save for a cheap hotel room yourselves rather than ruling it out with a series of weak excuses now.

@CheeseWisely if it was just a cheap hotel room he was offering to pay for (although embarrassing rhat we can't pay for it ourselves) then perhaps OK, but it then gets silly. He will then insist on buying all of my drinks etc. Then if we nip to a bar the next day for say coffees and cakes and I want to buy those he won't even let me do that.
I'm just not that sort of person; I wouldn't even be with a partner.
It's 2024 and actually, as a 44 yo woman, i want to/should pay my own way.

Surely he will inherit the money anyway when they die so they might as well just use it now to spend time together. 🤷‍♀️

@Aliciainwunderland Well I'd hope he would keep it for a rainy day/if he needs to go into supported living or a care home at any point. He is not a very wealthy man.
And as I've said before, I can and want to pay my own way. It would be the same if I went out with anyone else. Even a millionaire.
I don't want people paying for me!

And as I've said before, I can and want to pay my own way. It would be the same if I went out with anyone else. Even a millionaire.
I don't want people paying for me!
Which brings us full circle. A wedding is someone paying for you. Someone the host has invited and wants to pay for. It isn't just the hotel you've decided it makes you uncomfortable for anything to be paid for, including an event you've been invited to. That refusal to get off your high horse and be a little more gracious doesn't make you strong and independent. It makes you rude and tiresome.

I don't want people paying for me!

Well unfortunately for you, some people's love language is generosity. There are a couple of them in our life. My brother isn't the most communicative or effusive Man on earth but he shows that he cares by being generous with his money and when he has it to spare, his time.

You can very well insist that you don't want or need paying for (although you're giving mixed messages as to whether you actually do) but if the person you're up against if insistent on paying for you then you'll reach an awkward stalemate, which I'd think isn't the ideal position to be in with your Husband's family.

When it comes to things like the wedding it sounds very much like cutting your nose off to spite your face. You won't accept, so you won't go, so everyone who wanted you to be there loses out, including most importantly your DH and DC.

@DappledThings I've tried to explain ... it doesn't end up being just a room. He insists on paying for literally everything and nobody else ever offers. That makes me feel uncomfortable.
It would be like if I went out with anyone and they wanted to pay for literally everything. I'm happy to accept to a certain point but after that it's embarrassing.

But you won't even accept the wedding itself. You've been insistent that you don't deserve a place and someone the couple know better should take it. Your whole attitude starts from not accepting anything and not being able to flex on that on any occasion.

Some people like to treat. It's OK to accept being invited to a wedding and having the wedding food paid for, it's OK to accept your PIL wanting to treat their family, which they include you in. You're sticking to a point of principle to the point of alienating your family. Which is sad.

@DappledThings Absolutely not what I said.
Do some of you always let your other people pay for everything all of the time, for example? Surely you work to be able to pay for things yourself?
Why is it always men that want to buy everything?!

Please go to the wedding and please accept the room

FIL wants to pay for this because he wants your company for the full event, rather than you going home straight after the ceremony. Right now I'm on holiday in the uk with my kids and grandkids. I'm paying for the holiday because I love their company and it's much more fun for me to be on a seaside family with them all, then it is for me to be alone here.

If they'd refused because they didn't want to 'take advantage' I'd be really sad.

Why is it always men that want to buy everything?!

I'm female

From reading your further updates that now state that FIL is a very generous person and you don't like accepting that he likes to treat his loved ones, I wonder if you and your husband are compatible at all!

You seem to have been brought up very differently and now you come across that your way is the right way and that your husband's family are all wrong to want to pay for things for you which is part and parcel of them seeing you as part of their family now.

That's odd, it really is! Maybe you'd be happier with shit in-laws like I had. I know what I'd rather choose!

It is absolutely what you said! You said more than once someone the couple know better should take your place.

OP, you must be absolutely exhausting company if you approach all life like this.

A room is going to cost the same whether it’s stayed in by your DH and child, or by your DH, you and your child.

Just like your the cost of attendance or non-attendance at the wedding isn’t going to be the difference between renting and a house deposit, or a weekend in Margate versus a safari in the Serengeti for a honeymoon.

Once again, I'm not talking about just the cost of a room. I don't want my FIL paying for literally.evetyhing. Nor anyone paying for everything for that matter.

That’s not in your gift! You don’t have the option of controlling other people’s behaviour. The relationship between your FIL, his finances, and the couple getting married is his own affair.

@DarkBlueStocking To clarify, I meant for me.