To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Youthiswastedontheyoung have you clarified that your child is definitely invited? It isn't a given these days. While I'm happy to turn up to the opening of an envelope, I know what you mean about weddings because I don't dance and for my generation (one above yours) it's thought of as strange.

No I agree even at small weddings you'll end up with strangers, but then usually the person they're with is there because you're very close so you're likely to get to know the stranger. Like I said I can sort of see OPs point but she should go as it sounds as though her DH is close to his niece, I think my point was more around large weddings when family are invited who you haven't seen or have any contact with for many many years, and then it goes back to no contact again immediately after the wedding that I just find a bit strange. Everyone is different and likes different things for their own weddings.

You are part of the brides family.

Apologies if this has already been said, @Youthiswastedontheyoung, but if you don't go to the wedding, your dh will have to look after your dd on his own, which will make it harder for him to enjoy the day. If you are both there, you can share the work, and he may well enjoy the wedding more, as a result.

With regard to the cost per guest of each person they invite, the bride and groom must know, or have some idea of, the costs involved, and will only have invited the number of guests they can afford to host.

Why on earth would you do that? Get a hotel, make it a break and enjoy it

There you go. That's the honest reason 👏

@DappledThings We can't afford to. Every last penny we earn goes on our ever-increasing private rent.

I was distracted by the suggestion in your early posts that it was bizarre to have been invited to this wedding and that you see yourself as a 'stranger' to your husband's close family.
Now you've made it clear that you don't enjoy large events and it means a four hour drive each way with a small child, I understand why you are reluctant to go. Unless it means a lot to your husband to have you and his daughter there, in which case you might just do it for him, I think you could gracefully decline, saying that you feel it would work best for everyone if you and DD to stay at home while your husband represents you. You could send a nice card with whatever present you decide to give.

That was up to you

But what your niece is doing is perfectly normal

Go, don't go. But your reasoning is weird

But this isn’t your wedding so how’s that relevant?

She's your husband's family and by default yours.

Sounds like an absolute blimmin nightmare. My 4 year old once got on a table at a renewal of vows ceremony screamed “I want to go home Now!” And then peed herself. I had to take her home on the bus. I think you know deep down that going to this wedding isn’t a good idea but you don’t want to go against the overwhelming weight of social convention and “mumsnet” pressure that keeps you in an unhelpful straight jacket of enforced compliance.
IME once I took the straight jacket off I was SOOO much happier. 😍

@Youthiswastedontheyoung - I see your update about the distance, and I can quite understand you not wanting to do 8 hours travel in a day, to and from the wedding - but if your dh is going to take your dd, and you don't go, he'll have to cope with a 4-year-old and all the driving on his own - that seems like a big ask to me.

One bright spot for you, though - weekday weddings are not that uncommon - my eldest ds got married on a weekday - so you may not be able to go.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go! That’s fair enough but justifying it by saying ‘you’ve never met the groom’ completely misses the historical and anthropological essence of a wedding which is to bring two families together in celebration. I come from a country far larger than the UK and therefore it is very common for family members not to have met the other half. It certainly happened at my wedding.

It doesn’t sound like you want to go - so just don’t go.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius He has the option to stay over as his dad would pay for him and little one. My husband is not too proud to accept that 😀

This. You don't need all this fussing over reasons. Just decline and make a polite excuse. Stop twisting yourself in knots to avoid the reality that you just don't want to go because it's not your cup of tea.

We are now finally getting to the crux of the matter which is that you feel frumpy, can’t really afford it, feel it would be a massive hassle with your four year old and you don’t enjoy weddings and big gatherings. Some of these reasons for not attending are more reasonable than others but you need to at least own them and decline their kind, inclusive and completely normal invitation in a polite and appropriate way rather than turning the issue onto them and making out that they have done something unreasonable and wrong. That is hugely passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour and for that you would be very unreasonable indeed.

I think hubby will go and stay over which is the right thing to do.

My husband's family are not my family. His nieces and nephews are not my family, nor is his brother or the woman married to his brother. If we divorced, or my husband died, I'd never see or hear from any of them again.

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle well that's a positive way to approach it!

My husband's ex is still very much part of his family. Which is nice, I like her, she came to our wedding. Even though there were people there, my family, who she'd never met.

If you really don't want to go, don't go, but you are by definition the girl's aunty. It is absolutely customary to invite a relative or close friend's partner to a wedding and actually considered very bad manners not to. You aren't exactly a stranger in the true sense of the word are you?

So if your father in law would pay for your husband and child to stay overnight, then the extra cost of you being there as well would be negligible.

If I was in the niece's situation, then I would be quite offended if you didn't go.

I find the idea that she isn't part of your family really bizarre. If she's your husband's niece, then of course she's a member of your family. I can't imagine my husband ever thinking of my brother's sons as anything other than his nephews.

Great. And you can enjoy a quiet weekend, doing things you like doing. Which you probably never get a moment to do these days! x

OK, so the real reason is you don't want to go! Think of an excuse then.

I met DH when his nieces were well into their teens so likewise I don't have the same bond as seeing them grow up, but it makes no difference in terms of family events. I know them as adults though.

I have been to one of his niece's weddings and I had not met the other half, neither had my husband. It was really nice to meet him at the wedding.

A few of DH's friends hadn't met me before our wedding, and some of my friends hadn't met him. It's just how things work sometimes and doesn't have any bearing on whether a guest attends.