To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

An appearance in the Daily Fail possibly 🤔. Her opening op was very well written as if she's upper class. The Daily Fail has probably already written about it and the op is too late. No one is this dramatic in real life surely.

I have now read all your posts, and forgive me, but there is one or two things that I may or may not be right about. You rather sound like you might lack the confidence to go, despite having both your OH and your little daughter there with you. I could be wrong, in which case apologies, but it really does sound like it might be daunting for you to attend. I know not everyone likes big social events, but sometimes, it’s good to make the effort, step outside of a comfort zone, and go in support of your loved ones, after all, this is your little daughter’s cousin. Clothes for such an event don’t need to be expensive or eye catching, so you can do it without spending a lot. You do seem hung up on what it costs for a guest as well, but this simply isn’t your problem (unless there’s more to it) so just enjoy the day. I honestly think there’s more to you not going as you are clutching at all sorts of “I cannot go” straws. It’s your choice, but think of how your niece might feel if you simply don’t want to go, how your OH and daughter might miss you on a nice relaxing day. You might even enjoy it?

And absolutely no one has ever maintained a relationship with a family member living in another country.

You seem rather fixated on the fact that everyone should want/have the same type of wedding as you. This couple are different to you, they don’t mind having people that they don’t know at their wedding, and have courteously extended a hand of friendship.

Can’t you just put your disapproval aside for a few hours, go and enjoy yourself, and accept the courtesy that they have extended? After all, all our friends were strangers to us once.

@Getitwright You are right; I really don't like social events, especially huge weddings. I don't enjoy making small talk to strangers/dancing etc.

And you never will if you don't go. You are invited to your husband's niece's wedding. Your daughter's cousin you are her auntie why would you not want to see your niece get married? Great way for in-laws to turn against you if you don't go.

It's quite a strange position.

But your husband's niece will. Surely there's more to your not wanting to go because the groom doesn't know you (yet).

Sorry if this has already been answered...Did your husbands sister get invited to your wedding, what about her husband and the niece?

My uncle is considerably younger than my dad, so when he married I was 20 (i was away at uni so didnt know the bride closley)...I shock horror... i was a bridesmade!!! (Me my sister and her other niece it was a comming together of famillys) and i have consider his wife (5 years older than me) my auntie ever since they got engaged and have treated them as a couple ever since

She's not inviting you because you're her aunt. And I think we can safely say she's not inviting your for your delightful company, joyous love of life, or amazing conversational skills.

She is inviting you because you are her uncle's partner, and it would be rude to invite her uncle but not his partner. Why is that so hard for you to understand?

Your ex's nephews/nieces might invite you because of your direct relationship, but it would not be rude for them not to invite their uncle's ex.

Why is this such a hard thing for you to get your head around?

Of course you can decline, it's an invite, and frankly I imagine they will breathe a sigh of relief when you do. I imagine you'll stand up in church at "does anyone have any reason why..." and announce "well actually I don't think I'm qualified to answer that". (NB that would be extremely poor etiquette and very rude, just in case you were unsure)

Good grief. Is this reasons-for-not-going number 10? I've lost count.

Just want to add we had extended family travel from the other end of the country to attend weddings. They hadn't even met the spouse's. It's not just about attending a wedding. It's about being included in family events. Some people don't get invited and feel really hurt by that. But to be invited and decide not to go is a rejection.

Are you your husband's second wife?
Has his first wife, "the real aunt", also been invited and you're unsettled about it?

44? But you got married to your DH at 40 and are 2 years married?

What's the downside? Do you not like weddings? They've invited you, I guess, so it doesn't really matter how close you feel you are to them - that's their problem. If you don't think you'll enjoy it or you'd rather do something else, then that's a different reason. I think it's very common in some families to go to the wedding of a relative and not have met the partner before. I've done it at least a few times.

Ok, if that’s honest then think “this is not about me”. This is about supporting the man you love, letting your little daughter meet a cousin, perhaps for the very last time. Sorry but I think there are a lot of things we might not want to do, but we do them in support of those we love, who have what sounds like a good family, at least to the point of making sure no one is left out of a big celebration. If you are in a relationship, have children, you sometimes have to make efforts that you might not want to, but in this case, you might actually enjoy it. It’s that or think carefully about how much you are sharing with those you love, they just might not see things the same as you do, and won’t enjoy being in a tiny little box, refusing all contacts.

I was thinking ‘possibly from Mars’ tbh.

I went to a lovely wedding last year of one my DH's colleagues. I had never met him or his wife. Go and have fun.

I hadn’t met several of DH’s relatives who attended our wedding. They hadn’t seen him for several years at the point either (they live about 6 hours away). It was lovely to meet them!

I went to a wedding with my OH when we'd just started to get serious- I didn't know anyone- I'd only met his parents once prior but it was a lovely lovely day and now we've been together a long time and his family are my childrens family. It's very normal, especially with a bigger more formal wedding.

@TennisLady it wasn't that big a wedding. But even at a small wedding there might be a plus one you haven't met?

In summing up

• social convention dictates you should go even if you really don’t want to (you big miserable weirdo! How dare you!)
• perhaps you should go to support your husband and daughter (your call)
• maybe going is going to exhaust you & make you angry about the expense and/or trigger unwanted feelings about your own first wedding/marriage.

As a totally unqualified psychotherapist (but I’ve watched A LOT of YouTube so it’s pretty much the same?) I suggest you go for a long walk & have a think. Talk it over with your OH and then your daughter and decide - on balance - what is best for you and your immediate family to do.

Mumsnet is the WORST place for someone who thinks differently to find validation. Live your life. Leave the house! X

I was thinking the same...

OP, you seem to be kicking up an unnecessary fuss. Regardless of how many times you've met this niece, she's thought of you enough to invite you to her wedding. It's up to you, but if your husband and daughter turn up, but you don't go or decline (without valid reason other than "I've only met you X number of times"), it's not going to look great.

I've been to weddings of work colleagues in the past whose husbands I only really met once or twice. A couple of them I'd never met before in my life. Had a brilliant time at all weddings.

It's not a big deal - you get dressed up, say congratulations and enjoy yourself!

Thing is, I know I wouldn't have fun. It's not something I enjoy at all. We'd have to travel there and back in a day so at least 8 hours driving. With a 4 yo.

But presumably you both have friends and colleagues that the other doesn't know well. If your husband is invited to an old friends wedding would you not go as his partner, regardless of if you would have been invited if it wasn't for him? It's just a couple thing.