To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

@Coatsoff42 Mine are the opposite. All married in early/mid 20s. I'd say nearly all divorced and a few married for the third time. I suppose it was a bit of FOMO?

Weird post. You’ve been invited, ergo they want you there. Your own thoughts about who you would or wouldn’t invite to a wedding are irrelevant really?!
obviously you don’t have to go, but be prepared for it being received poorly, especially if it’s a small affair

Ok, so we’re now adding ‘Because the couple might get divorced” to your list of reasons, along with

I don’t know the groom
the bride doesn’t feel like my real niece
I didn’t know the bride from birth
it’s only a courtesy invitation
it’s just a party
they should spend the cost of inviting me on a house deposit or honeymoon???

Wouldn’t it be easier to just admit ‘I don’t want to go to this wedding’?

@LarryUnderwood And all guests can decline, yes?

OP I hope you’re not like this in real life because your posts are screaming covert narcissist. The extreme self-deprecation, the putting down of the couple getting married, suggesting that they have done something wrong by inviting you. The ‘frump’ comments and comparing yourself to the ‘radiant’ bride with the implication that you shouldn’t be there because you don’t look good (wtf). The “I’m not a real aunt” just because you met your DH in your 30s (which is not what I’d call later in life anyway). And “I didn’t wear white because I was 40”. It’s just awful and while it seems to be putting yourself down, it’s actually also dragging others down with you. If you actually do behave like this in real life, get some help for it because it’s not nice for those around you.

OP, you are an outlier in not wanting to go to this wedding. If you don’t want to go, don’t go, but don’t be surprised if some of your DH’s relatives see this as a snub from you and treat you accordingly.

But they have invited who they like. And you are finding them strange for doing just what you have said they should do.

OP - when I read your first few posts I thought you were a bit crackers, to be honest 😄 But now I’ve read them all, I think your heart is very much in the right place, although you’ve possibly overthought this a little bit.

I completely see why you think the bride will see you more as “Uncle Pete’s wife” rather than “Aunty Carol” - and it’s actually quite refreshing that you say you’d completely understand not being invited. The thing to remember is that quite a few guests will probably be in your situation, or a version of it - more distant family members on both sides, long-term friends of either the bride or groom who don’t live locally to them etc.. These days, when people are together for longer before marrying and often live together for years first, it’s more common for guests to know both sides very well, but with the kind of wedding you’re describing, with a very young bride and groom, it’s natural that many guests won’t know one half of the couple particularly well.

I get why you think not going would free up a place for someone else, but if they didn’t invite you on the basis of you not knowing the groom, do they then do the same for other couples in the same situation? As you’ve seen from this thread, many people would be offended to be invited without their spouse, so maybe they’re just doing it as a blanket policy for married couples.

Probably it was, it seems like a fun idea at the time!
everyone I know seemed to get married after living together and then immediately had children. So getting married to start a family basically.
I don’t think people get married so much anymore. Everyone just lives together, if you want to go through the hassle of a wedding, changing your name etc, I think you are more sure about it now.

@Startinganew32 I met the girl as an adult and don't know her; to me an aunt is about more than that. Not her fault. Not mine. But I'm only an aunt by title.

And yet you seem to be struggling with this. Yes, they can invite who they like. They invited you. Yet you’ve spend a lengthy internet thread trying to come up with reasons they were wrong to invite you!

She is your niece … once married you also become the Aunty.

@DarkBlueStocking They were not wrong, but should be OK for me not to accept.

I do kind of see your point OP. I'm someone who thinks large weddings where you invite extended family that you never see a quite pointless. I had a tiny wedding the first time around (24 of nearest and dearest and knew everyone) and 2nd time I eloped just me and DH.
I went to a cousins wedding a couple of years ago, hadn't seen or had contact with my cousin since I was a child and so had never met their partner, my DH certainly hadn't either. It was a nice (but expensive as far away and very rural) day/night out... but barely got to say a word to my cousin never mind meet his new wife and I did find it a bit strange we were invited along to be honest, it's a lot of expense! But that's my opinion of weddings and I understand some people just like to have extended family they never see (and then don't bother with again) & strangers at their special day and pay for them.

She is your niece though. By marriage, but still your niece.

There’s presumably another reason you don’t want to go. But most people would consider uncles and aunts to be close family — enough that they attended weddings by default. I think it would look very rude if you didn’t go.

Yes, if they have a clashing engagement or are ill, or don’t want to attend, as you don’t. But they don’t decline with a list of reasons the bride and groom should have known not to invite them!

@Youthiswastedontheyoung
I didn't even go to my cousin's wedding, despite the invite, as I didn't feel like I knew him well enough (as we grew up we saw less and less of them as they moved away) and thought they would prefer the seat taken up by someone they actually had a relationship with.

So I would say, YANBU in not wanting to go to your niece's wedding who you have only met a handful of times.

V weird, it's the definition of a family wedding

@NewFriendlyLadybird What about my ex's nieces? Are they still my nieces?

Why did you marry your husband you clearly don't believe in marriage?
The young lady wants you, her cousin and her uncle at her wedding. You are making this all about you. If you don't turn up people will ask why. Now you've put a grey cloud over their day talking about divorce.

Of course it’s ok for you not to accept! But stop finding spurious and increasingly mad reasons not to go! If you don’t want to, and your DH won’t be upset by you not attending his niece’s wedding with him, then just don’t attend.

@Youthiswastedontheyoung of course you can decline. But that's not really what the thread is about is it? You seemed to think it was strange to invite family (uncle's wife) to a wedding on the grounds that the wife hasn't met the groom. But it's categorically not strange, it's very very normal. In fact most people would be offended if their relative excluded their spouse from a wedding invitation. You don't have to want to go, but most people view weddings as family events and would find it a bit rude to have the invitation rejected for the reasons you've given. Ypu can do what you like, just need to accept that the social conventions around this are in conflict with your personal likes and dislikes.

I've seen so many incredulous posts on here from people saying "my DH/DP has been invited to a wedding and I've been left off the invitation, surely I should be invited as his partner even thou give never met this friend/relative".

It's perfectly normal to be invited to weddings as someone's long term partner or spouse, whether you've met them or not. It will look totally weird for him to go without you and spend the day explaining to people that you didn't know the groom so felt unable to attend.

But she is including you in one of her most important moments so she clearly wants at least some kind of relationship with you. You don’t seem to want one.

As people are saying it’s fine if you don’t want to go. Just own your decision and stop using bulshit excuses that keep changing the more you post.

It is not about people being triggered. It is about recognising that your own beliefs and opinions on the subject don’t always get to take precedence. People are so keen to ‘live their truth’ nowadays, without always seeing that if everyone did that there would be not much left of community feeling, however falsely constructed they believe that to be. Sometimes you really do just have to put your own feelings aside and suck it up. It is a wedding, one day.