To not go to a wedding of a man I've never met?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

Adult niece (in-law). Never met fiance.
I'm more than happy for my husband and daughter to attend (and quite rightly so), but personally feel one shouldn't attend a wedding/invite someone to a wedding of someone whom they have never met.
AIBU?

@FiveShelties What is very funny or weird?

Amazing thread.

OP, the idea that you should know both halves of the couple extremely well to attend a wedding is genuinely bizarre and utterly incongruous with all social norms. It’s so bizarre that if you tell your DH’s family any version of that then the message they will hear is “I don’t want to be part of your family and I don’t want you to think of me as family.”

Your opinions on wedding sizes, guest lists, and costs are completely and utterly irrelevant to anyone else’s wedding, including your niece’s. You come across as judgmental and lacking in respect for others when you go on about this. You are not being thoughtful by declining an invitation, so don’t kid yourself about that. If you don’t want to go then own the reality that you’re prioritizing your own wishes over joining in and being respectful of the family you’ve married into.

@AGoingConcern Surely an invite is just that; an invite? What if the wedding falls on a day I am unable to make, for example?

If the wedding falls on a date you’re genuinely unable to make then that’s not you choosing not to attend.

I’m responding to the thread you’ve written, which is asking whether it’s reasonable not to choose not to attend the wedding of your niece because you’ve never met the groom and have only known your niece for 4 years. You didn’t start a thread asking “is it ok if I can’t attend a wedding because it’s on a day I work?” so that’s not what I answered. Why are you now trying to invent what-if scenarios to distract people with instead of sticking to the topic of your own thread?

On another post from earlier in the year you say you are married 3 years and together 7! Which is it?

@Heidi2018 3 next month.

This is all so bizarre I just can’t.

My niece got married this year. My dp, who met me when she was maybe 19, obviously came, because we are family. I’d have been so upset if he said he wasn’t coming for the reasons you gave.

you had your wedding how you wanted, now let your niece have hers with the family you are part of.

I think perhaps many of you have experienced "normal" families which isn't my lived experience. I've never had a niece or nephew until fairly recently and no, I don't see myself as her aunt. She's lovely, but I don't really see her as a niece because I barely know her. My husband's family are all lovely, but I don't really see myself as a part of it in the way someone may do having been in it for many years. It's all new to me.

Only if you come from privilege.or are lucky. Other people save and pay for their own.

Go. Don't go. Weird thread.

@TruthThatsHardAsSteel We privately rent at 44 and 49; no chance of saving for anything!!

So how are you ever going to feel part of the family if you refuse to take part in family events? Are you always this stand offish?

honestly, you’re being weird about this. Just go and be Nice.

You've been part of your other half's life for seven years. You are writing as though you know him a few months and haven't had a chance to meet his family yet. I'm 8 years with my other half and stopped feeling like "an outsider" years ago. I'm very much part of the family now!

Thanks all - I'll see where we're at when the date comes through. She understands if it's term-time I can't make it and totally gets that so all good.

@Heidi2018 Do you see his family often? I wonder if that makes a difference to how I'm feeling?

I see his parents regularly, we don't see his siblings, nieces and nephews regularly, and there are some aunts/uncles I haven't met as one of his parents come from a large family.

Omg just don’t go. Much ado about nothing springs to mind.

Your problem seems to be that you don’t agree with her having a bigger wedding than 17 people. It’s her choice, and the fact you’ve created this drama over an invite to a family members wedding says a lot about you and nothing about her.

Playing your logic forward - how do you ever meet new people ?

Your logic seems to suggest you'll only meet up with people you already know. But how do you get to know them ?

Your DH has a niece - she and her husband to be have invited you both plus your child to their wedding. They obviously think enough of at least your DH to extend that invitation, as they don't have to invite him. As you are married to him, you too have been invited - yes it's polite, and also family orientated. And your child has been invited. You must know there are many weddings which are child-free so your family is doubly fortunate.

Of course you don't have to go, after all it's an invitation not a summons. However unless you have a very good reason (overseas posting in the armed forces, lighthouse keeper, astronaut on the ISS) it will look odd to your DH's family, and yes they will judge you. If your DH goes by himself, he will be explaining why you are not there.

Please go to the wedding with an open mind, in the spirit with which you are invited - you never know you might enjoy the experience

Well this is a great chance to meet the whole family again and feel And act Like you’re part of it, isn’t it?

Honestly I can’t tell you how upset I’d have been if my dp said he want coming to my nieces wedding for these reasons.

@angellinaballerina7 She can invite as many people as she likes, of course she can.

OP, I say this without malice but you're coming across really weird. You are merely another relative, not the guest of honour. The couple are not oveethinking this like you are. One doesn't need to pass a probationary period to be considered a relative-in-law. Most families, every member and their plus 1s are invited. They won't have given you any individual special thought, beyond putting your name on an invitation alongside your husbands. Go if you want or don't go if you don't want to. The couple won't care either way. Stop analysing such a basic social situation. You're not royalty or mega famous, are you?

@DPotter As I've said, if it's weekend or non term-time week I can go if she'd like me there. Not sure of date yet.

@Gingerlingerlonger But people on here are saying I'll be in the wrong if I choose not to go. As you said, the couple quite rightly couldn't care less either way. I'm not important!

Ok you are relatively new to the family so have only know them a few years. You aren’t going to get to know them if you don’t make the effort to join family events.

you might not have met the groom before but presumably you will meet him again in the future at family events.

you are being very weird, of course you should go. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t met the groom before, you’ve met the niece and even if you hadn’t you are going as your husbands wife.

whatever you do, do not say this.