Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Hi, thanks for your message.

Please know that there isn’t a problem with myself and my partner communicating with our son. It’s not a case of ‘not getting through’ to him as you say. He understands the importance of looking after himself. Very well. He chooses not to do it. That’s the issue.

Plastictrees
It’s obvious that you’ve never in your narrow minded life dealt with a neurodiverse child.

I would suggest focusing your energies on getting help for your son rather than arguing with strangers on the internet.

I’m a Clinical Psychologist who is trained to assess and diagnose neurodiversity.

Thank you SO much! your message has really moved me - thank you for taking the time to write that to me - honestly, I’m really touched and thankful.

It sounds like you’ve really understood the difficulty (with the little information you have) and I truly appreciate that.

I’m going to save your message and read through it with my partner and take your advice.

Thanks again xx

i would have moved schools at that point - homeschooling is just isolating for anyone

college? he needs to have friends, and have a reason to make an effort - sounds like he is depressed to be honest its very sad for him

I'm wondering if he resents being kept at home for so long and this is his way of communicating it to you. He might think you could have tried to get him into another school.

All this started when he began homeschooling. I strongly think you should send him to school or college for his further education. At least he will have a couple of years of normal life to salvage, and perhaps make some friends. I bet he'd clean up quick if he knew he was going to be around 25 of his peers.

Were we arguing…?

…thank you, I have received lots of help and kind advice over the last almost 3 hours during this thread. Your posts are a very small fraction of this thread.

What will that achieve if the boy insists he is happy and does not want doctors?

If he’s depressed it’d be odd because he’s showing no symptoms of depression. He’s singing and laughing every day.

We tried to move schools. We tried very hard. But there were no places available within 10 miles. We started home educating while we were waiting for a place and it worked (academically) so we continued.

I think the fact he isn’t at mainstream school has probably hindered the teenage awareness of hygiene we (some of us slowly!) get from not wanting to be ribbed from class mates.
If you’re certain he isn’t depressed then I think it really could be as simple as that.
If he goes out exercising m, would he want to come back for a shower? Would going for a jog help to trigger wanting to freshen up? Sorry if that’s been touched on, I think I’ve read all your messages OP.
Has he got plans for the future? Or does he seem a little stagnant at present?
I think all you can realistically do, if you’re certain there are no external influences such as mental health, is continue to nag and remind - I’m sure it’ll get better in time!

I’m referring to the you like to be seen as different/cool. Why was that necessary??

Thank you, I will look that up x

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Would you contact Gp for advice, even if you know your DS won't see them? How is his general health? Has he been to the doctors during the last 5 years?

That’s an interesting perspective and one I haven’t considered. Thank you.

He must have to leave home to go to school/college? Surely seeing all his mates clean and tidy would make him want to be the same? Is he interested in relationships?

Just seen that he's home schooled. I think that's the reason for all this. Can he go back to college now?

The fact that your son is completely isolated, no family, no friends. Doesn’t see sunlight. He now speaks with an American accent and you think that’s a quirk?

He isn’t living a real life, you have created a completely toxic environment and his hygiene is just one way this is showing itself.

Him talking in an American accent is a reflection that he has no contact with the outside world. Mixing with the public, his peers, his community, where he would use his real accent. He is talking online to American friends, so has now adopted this to fit in.

This is batshit. This poor child is being neglected. He is literally festering before your eyes and you’re spending your time online constantly relying to posters, looking for attention.

This is a joke of a thread.

Hi, thank you for your message.

Yes, we have contacted the GP before. No advice given sadly. Just to encourage our son to talk with them. Which we’ve continued to do.

His general health seems fine, he has energy, he eats enough, drinks enough, shares with us when/if he has a headache or anything else. We were at the doctors 3 days ago for something minor. (Blocked ear). He was happy to go but usually he isn’t.

Autism is highly heritable OP so have a think if there might be anyone else in the family affected as this would make it more likely…

I'd focus on teeth and getting him out of the house for now.

I suspect there is some kind of neuro diversity. Most 11 year olds wouldn't want to be cut off from their friends so the fact he is so easily home schooled is a red flag in itself. Similarly many autistic children can speak very well with adults but not with their peers.

If he's never speaking to peers then you can't say his interaction is fine because you simply don't know.

If normal methods have failed, then why not try strategies for autism whether he has a formal diagnosis or not? There are boards here dedicated to additional needs where you will get better advice.

I would tell him what will be happening so it isn't a change he hasn't anticipated. Tomorrow you will clean your teeth at 8am. The timer will be set for one minute.

We will go for a walk at 12noon (maybe not introduced the same day though). We will walk 4,000 steps.

If he's better with things being a certain way, embrace it rather than fight it.

He needs to be outside more so than washing his hair for now.

Similarly with food, is there anything he will accept? Totally smooth soup for example (a soup maker is a good investment if so as it makes it much smoother than a hand blender) or smoothies? Or just a multivitamin.

Make a plan for the next fortnight of the small wins you want to see and focus on these.

You can't turn an oil tanker quickly. It's taken five years to get here. Start slowly and build up rather than expect everything at once.

And yes, I fully agree with get him to college.

If you don't break this cycle now you won't and he'll be unable to live a normal life.

Your husband's lack of concern about it is worrying. This is serious and needs addressing immediately, even if 'immediately' requires a slow/staged start.

Hi OP you sound like a lovely mum. I just wanted to add that contrary to a PP comment that college would be too much, I disagree. I am aware of lots children who were homeschooled due to anxiety/neurodiversity/ range of issues and the right college course was the making of them.
Not saying it will be easy or a definite goer but it’s so great he is showing an interest in this with you. Would keep exploring this.
I agree with others to find professional help for yourself to discuss your concerns with; and find someone who actually listens and doesn’t patronise the way some posters here have (ie assuming you’ve never attempted the authoritarian approach).

I will add that despite having worked in SEND for years and having family members with ASD, I was shocked when school suggested it to me re my daughter. I suspected some neurodiversity but she does not fit the profile at all I believed.
Having read more about different presentations I will apply for an assessment (though it may take years/not provide a diagnosis).

I only add this because the trait she shares with your son is sensory issues (clothes in our case) and the fact authoritarian approaches backfire so spectacularly. Although your son may well be neurotypical, a lot of the parenting strategies for ND young people can be helpful and I try these a lot. Nothing is one size fits all but you might find a few things that do work re supporting healthier choices etc.

There are Facebook groups such as “not fine at school” /“school refusal” which have families dealing with very similar situations re children withdrawing. I know in your son’s case it wasn’t “refusal” to attend school, but just thinking of overlaps with your son as there’s lots of good advice there from families who have YP at home not socialising typically.
it can feel the loneliest thing in the world when you’re worried about your child and can’t see a way forward but there will be many others who understand! Good luck to you all. X

Thank you, I agree with everything you’ve said. Thank you for taking the time to send that message x