Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

Sounds like you've taken 'no' for an answer for far to long and now have no control over him. My preteens don't get a choice!

My mum took me abroad for a few weeks when I was 16 after I isolated myself by watching TV constantly and refusing to go anywhere (even though I had good friends). I didn't want to go and she forced me (thankfully).

It made a massive difference. Took me out of myself and I came back interested in the world around me and a lot more sociable.

What a wonderful mum you have ❤️❤️❤️

I agree with this. The OP comes across passive aggressive and defensive at times, and the majority of posters are trying to be helpful. It is understandably a sensitive topic with no clear answer.

There can be an overlap with autism and trauma responses. A mental health assessment and support could be helpful, and can be carried out at home or online. It sounds like both the OP and her son need additional support to begin addressing the hygiene issues.

I could have guessed you were Celtic! I’m Scottish (dad is Scottish)
eh? nobody calls themselves Celtic, do you mean your dad was Scottish and you say you're Scottish or were you born here?
Sounds like you like to be seen as different/cool.

He has absolutely no motivation to wash as he’s been taken to homeschool and is just communicating with online friends. Honestly in the days I work from home I am not as kept as I would be if I was in the office. You need to drag him out first and foremost, he will soon get his act together when he receives looks from people- and he will but sometimes that’s what it takes.

🤣 okey dokey! thanks for the giggle

That's really strange if you're not American. It suggests he's spent far, far too much online and not enough socialisation is going on. It should be a matter of pride for him to improve his hygiene, so I assume he has zero interest in either girl or boys.

I think you need expert advice at this stage. Wishing you well OP.

Hello really sorry im repeating what others have said, but to me it reminds me of issues I have with my autistic dd who has PDA.
even if your son doesn’t get assessed for any of that, it doesn’t matter in that you can still take advice on how to deal with kids who have PDA and apply that to your son.
The normal parenting methods just don’t work, they make it worse, which is why I thought of this for you. It’s frustrating because everyone says you just need to remove their privileges etc, but those approaches just don’t work with kids with PDA, they backfire and make things even worse (as you’ve described being the case with him).
There’s approaches you use with PDA that could really help you , there’s also online courses you can do to help that really explain the dynamics at play and how to deal with it. We have found with our dd we need to take a more collaborative approach and accept that demands and that lack of control spark off a lot of stress in her and it works out badly for everyone.
also well done for removing your son from the school where he was being bullied, bullying does affect people so much and I’m so sorry the school was so rubbish at handling it. Did you report the school to Ofsted? I feel like the situation needs to be escalated given your son was basically abused :(
all the best to you and your family

@SnoopysHoose i have heard many people describe themselves as Celtic… I have Scottish and Irish people in my family, we and friends use that word, it’s often used when you’re finding common ground between Scottish and Irish people

Of course people describe them selves as Celtic. What a bitchy comment.

Please don't pin your hopes on college. It's very difficult to transition to a busy, loud environment full of demands and rules from such isolation. Without any qualifications your son will have to complete an access style course which may not suit him as it can be very low level and not linked to any interests.

Can you try getting used to a learning environment first, like a night school course that will have quieter adults and smaller classes? Or if he likes the pool, an improvers swimming course.

You definitely need to know what he is doing online. Sadly your poor son sounds almost like a safeguarding case study for all sorts of online dangers.

OP you say your son is great at communicating with you - I’m wondering what he says when you try to discuss these things with him e.g poor hygiene, refusing healthy food? How does he seem during these conversations? What do you sense is his understanding of the situation?

And in what ways did things get a whole lot worse when you removed his internet access?

Ok, but you’re agreeing to something I haven’t said…? I haven’t said that personal hygiene issues aren’t ‘normal’. I think you’ll find it’s very common (for teenagers especially) and having those issues aren’t normal or abnormal. They are just issues.

I’m sorry you feel I’m passive aggressive and defensive. If you actually knew me you’d know I’m not. I’ve reached out for KIND help and support and I’ve been reading and posting on this thread for about 2 hours. During that lengthy time, many people I’ve reached out to have judged and criticised both me and my child. I’ve been polite 99% of the time. I’ve been kind, appreciative, honest and grateful.
Have you read all of the posts? or are you choosing to judge me from one or two…? either way, thank you for your input, your kind advice has been valuable…oh no - wait - were you kind? did you offer any valuable advice? or did you just come here to be mean…? either way, I’ll send you love and wish you a pleasant rest of your evening x

I would answer your questions, but after you called me passive aggressive and defensive I sadly don’t feel that I can continue communicating with you.

Thank you. Very true x

OP, having read your posts, I strongly believe homeschooling is the issue. He’s at an age where he needs to be in a face to face environment with kids his own age-it’s too stifling and isolating to be at home with mum and dad all day every day.
I understand why you took him out of school, and to a certain degree I agree with your decision, but I think you went too far to the left. Changing schools would have been better. He has nobody to make the best of himself for, no real reason to wash, brush his teeth etc etc. I don’t think he’s clinically depressed, but I do believe he has situational depression. His friends are not real world friends. He needs to brew around kids his own age.

The inappropriate touching by another boy was the first thing that crossed my mind. It is possible that he may have had a physical reaction to this incident but of course the poor little soul didn’t know/ understand what was happening to him.
We have a family member who was abused pre puberty. She is now in her 40s and has purposely ( in our opinion) kept excessive weight on.
In your situation i would see a therapist and give him/her the whole very sad story. They might be able to guide you.
I wish you well 😍

Your interpersonal style on this thread is passive aggressive at times. Your last sentence especially. I’ve obviously hit a nerve and I don’t want to contribute to your distress any further, so I’ll leave things here.

Absolutely x

The more you post, the more insight I feel like I have into why you can’t get through to your son. I agree with other posters and feel like you should get some professional help for your son.

Your interpretation of me sending you love and wishing you a pleasant evening was of me being passive aggressive. I’m sorry that’s your interpretation. But that is all it was. Your interpretation. Your perspective. I meant what I said. I genuinely send you love.

Perhaps you could try a different perspective…?

Op you don't come across passive aggressive or defensive to me. Just a concerned mum frustrated with judgy comments. I don't think this is because of the home schooling but would suggest looking into online counselling as a starting point. With some of them you can just text the therapist. Would he be open to that?

@Outnumberedmummy2022
My family is Scottish and Irish and Celtic isn't a phrase any use; you're Scottish or Irish.
So not bitchy, a personal experience and tbf it's a bit pretentious.
OP is now going down the road of being bitchy and snarky herself, not sure why you think it's me 🤣🤣

Hi OP,

I hope you are ok! It is so tough when that power shift starts to happen.

Im a psychologist, I work with families and children and I also work in a neurodevelopmental assessment clinic.

I’ve read quite a lot of your posts and what is immediately standing out to me is neurodiversity. Your mention of the American accent in certain context, paired with the sensory aversion seems quite significant to me. I know why you removed from the school, but I’m just wondering why you chose to home school instead of alternative education provision? We do look for difficulties starting when children are young (2-3), but it’s quite subtle things we are often looking at aside from just ‘social skills’(response to name/use of gestural prompts/ fixed interests/repetitive behaviour/ sensory sensitivities/ eye contact/ ability to build upon interactions and sustain friendships/ types of play/ flexibility to name a few). Lots of young people are socially motivated, but just don’t get it quite ‘right’, which mean they might seek online relationships instead of face to face, as the demands are reduced. A large number of families we see wouldn’t have noticed anything, often until later years when things started to become really difficult. If your son wouldnt consent to an assessment and he cant have information provided from + 1 setting it probably won’t go anywhere anyway, but I wonder about whether reading for you and your husband might help? Naomi fisher writes a lot about parenting neurodiversity and school refusal (I know that’s not exactly what is happening) maybe it would be helpful to have a little look.

I did also feel curious about his mood, particularly in the context of reduced opportunities to connect with other people. Neurodiverse or not I think it might be worth really thinking about this with him. And if he’s somewhat willing to talk about going to college, that’s amazing. I think where I work we would probably be recommending increased social opportunities and building up to going to an education setting.

I wouldn’t recommend taking a tough authoritarian approach, it may well have the opposite effect and if he is low in mood or ND, it would be completely inappropriate. Although it sounds as though you already sense that isn’t the right approach for him.

It sounds as though he would benefit from speaking with a psychologist, but it sounds like that won’t work. However, you and your husband could speak with someone about how to approach this with him and seek a piece of parenting work, potentially with a view that you might come as a family after some time. It’s unlikely you would be provided this on the nhs, but if you did choose to do that privately make sure you have someone suitably qualified (clinical psychologist HCPC registered).

Good luck OP!