Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

@Richiewoo yes I think the current arrangement suits him because he's busy.

He was previously married btw so knows how to commit

If he’s trying to finish a PhD at the same time as working I would give him the space to do this and talk to him when he’s finished. He needs to focus on that really, it sounds like he’s under a lot of pressure. But when he has finished it you need a serious chat about where your relationship is going.

I don’t agree with people saying he’s not that into you. He just doesn’t have the time or headspace at the moment. If you push it you’ll make it harder for him to cope with what’s going on. It’s a temporary thing and it will pass.

I hate to stereotype about men not being great at multi-tasking but…. Also he has 2 sources of stress at the moment, try not to be a 3rd.

How old are you both and how long have you been in this relationship?

@VioletW - why are you torn? It’s not like we’re in February or June 2024. You’ve seen each other 3 times in the last couple of months. It’s nearly November and you have a week together planned for December. He’s asked you to wait about 10 weeks to have this conversation. He’s incredibly busy right now.

You’ve nurtured this relationship for 3 years. Can you not just get through to January 2025 as he has asked?

He may be flaky. He may not be committed long-term. Or he may be very committed to your relationship. But forcing him - at what is likely the most stressful time of his life - to have a conversation which could in fact wait - that is likely to be counterproductive. In his shoes, I would resent it deeply. This period of time is about him finishing his PhD. That is the priority, surely.

I agree with the pp that the phd was quite the dripfeed.

Surely this is a major factor, and I would have to assume that you know him well enough to know how he handles pressure and stress.

I would take a step back personally, and see how things go until next year. You will know for sure then if it was pressure related, or if he is stringing you along. But, if you don't feel that it's linked (you know him best), then start thinking about what is best for you.

When I am studying - I don't have the head space.

My DH is just completing amendments on his PhD and it has been all consuming. Having said that we've still had days and nights out together, but we live together (obviously!) so we're not factoring in a three/six hour round trip. I think you can only know where this relationship stands once his PhD is submitted and he's done the viva. Don't bin him off just yet.

Yep. Exactly my thought. You need to face it, OP.

He sounds stressed. Reading all your updates I’d give him till Jan, you’ve both invested a lot in the relationship he just sounds stressed at moment and unable to think beyond finishing his PHD. But I’d be really clear then what you want and to plan going forward. You could lay the groundwork this week. Say we don’t have to discuss it now can wait till Jan but just state your position and what your looking for so he can mull it before then

PhD deadline is a big drip feed! When's he handing it in?

On 30 April this year, OP wrote 'Been with boyfriend 6 months'.
By 12 June it was 'Since we started dating nearly a year ago'.

Sounds like an online connection that eventually became an official tangible thing, but always long-distance.

OP, how much time have you actually spent together face to face as a couple, if you add it all up?

I don't think there's nearly as much here as you've told yourself there is. You may well get what you want, but I don't think you'll be happy in the resulting relationship.

@isthismylifenow what do you mean by I should take a step back? From bothering him about it or me?

I've told him I won't be visiting again in November. This is because I'm very busy and need to stay where I am.

I'm afraid most posters are totally wasting their time responding to this.

OP has been posting about this relationship for months, responds for a while before abandoning the thread and starting another one a week or so later.

Well then neither of you have time for each other in November so why is it just his fault? He's the one who works and is doing the phd but you still think he should take 6 hours out of his weekend to travel to see you.

@Stravaig at the start he lived in the same country and nearer to me. He was still doing his PhD so was always busy but it was certainly easier to meet up

I've never seen his relationship 'style' without the phd if you like. He is a lovely caring man on the whole, I don't want to do him dirty here. The current status quo is getting difficult as I want the relationship to progress.

@VioletW A few things jump out at me from your posts.

One thing is your age. If you're in your 30s and want children with this man, you need to have a plan to live together soon. It's not clear how long you've been together, but all this talking about how frequently you see each other seems to only be focusing on one issue. Yes, it's an important one. Long distance relationships can only work if you're both committed to making the effort to spend time together as often as the distance, your work schedules and your finances permit. When I was in a long distance relationship we tried to always have a plan for when we would next see each other and never go more than 3 weeks without one of us visiting the other if at all possible. We also took turns to visit each other. But we were still in our 20s and getting married and having kids wasn't yet urgent. Once we turned 30 we knew it was time to commit or end it, which meant finding a way to live in the same place.

The other thing that strikes me is your reluctance to move where he is because of your family/friends and theatre group where you currently live. It's fine to care about those things, but I expect your partner also has strong ties to where he is. If he moves to where you live, he will no longer be close to the people he is currently close to, he will have to change jobs, if he has locally based hobbies he will have to leave those behind. You seem to be saying you aren't willing to give those things up for him but expecting him to give those things up for you.

This is something you cannot both win. If you are going to live in the same place then one of you is going to have to move to where the other lives. If neither of you is willing to do that then your relationship has no future and you are wasting each other's time. And if you're in your 30s and want children then you can't afford to waste each other's time.

He's said he wants to talk in early 2025. So leave it until early 2025 and then have a serious conversation with him. Essentially, you need to agree between you who is going to move to where the other lives, and what your timescale is for doing that. If you can't agree on this, ask yourselves very honestly whether pursuing a long distance relationship is a good use of your time. Especially your time. Because you don't have all the time in the world to have kids. If you stay in a long distance relationship which isn't going anywhere for another five years, you might have lost the opportunity to do that.

Maybe he plans on solvng the issue over christmas/new year with a proposal?

He's been married before, does he want to get married again? Does he want to have babies with you? Or anyone!

Early 30s you don't have time to waste on a man who isn't sure what he wants. By the time he confesses he doesn't actually want to start a family you'll be screwed.

Yes @coffeesaveslives I was thinking exactly the same.

I've had a close family member who did a PhD, and no one saw them towards the end. It was a very busy and stressful time for them and the culmination of years and years of work.

I've been through an incredibly busy and stressful patch at work. I was working long hours so didn't have the physical time or the emotional energy to even talk to people after work, and at weekends I was just in a stupor recovering. I knew it was only going to last a couple of months, so I was just head down and trying to plough through it.

If he's got PhD and work stress at the same time, that's could be why he's not coming to see you. And he'll come out the other side and things will get back to normal.

But, why hasn't he just explained that to you? And why, when he told you no visits til 2025, why didn't you just ask "why?".

@MissScarletInTheBallroom this is such a great post, thank you!

The reason he lives in his current location is due to his job. He's from another country in Europe so I wouldn't say he has 'ties' where he is aside from this job. In fact most of his friends are spread out in other cities.

I have more ties in my city. I also own my home while he rents. And I would have to leave them all behind and start again. If I was leaving then behind for a palpable commitment and future then yes more likely.

I think as I read the thread I'm willing to wait until January but not much longer.

Being in the final stages of his PHD changes things. He may simply not have the head space to focus on anything else right now. He's said he's happy to prioritise things more with you travelling and you said he's a good person, so unless there's something really pressing time wise I'd wait until his PHD is finished and see how he is after that. If he still doesn't make you a high priority when he's done then I'd call it a day. If you think he's worth waiting for give it that time. His behaviour really isn't unreasonable or unusual for someone doing a PHD. It can be very intense and mean there's no mental space for other things.

Agree with others who’ve said the PhD changes things. I was working and writing up a masters thesis and my own DC barely saw me for the final two months, let alone anyone who didn’t live in my house 😁

Is he caring and communicative in other ways @VioletW? for example, even if he’s buried in work and PhD writing up right now, does he take the time to send nice messages/do nice things for you/make you feel special and valued? does he acknowledge all the effort you’re making to visit him and promise to reciprocate when things are calmer his need?

Wait until he’s finished his PhD thesis, then reassess. he’s still flaky, bin him off.

He knows I want to talk about these things and suggested we also keep that conversation for January.

He told me at the start he was open to a life with children or without. At the time I felt the same but am now leaning towards with children.

A couple of weeks ago we had a long talk about kids, parenting style, baby names. He often seems the broodier one, but doesn't mean much without the conversation. Most of his friends have kids.

Agree with this. His head will be on that. I'd have stressed out, too. You've been on trips. You're at his place now. When I finished up my thesis, I barely saw people. I wouldn't be throwing him away.