Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Agree with this.

I mean, if he's working and finishing a PhD, then for the month of November, you're not a priority. And I think that's OK.

I think it’s fair that he wants to wait to discuss it.

He cannot give you a proper answer right now because of how busy he is and so I’m not sure what you expect because whatever he says it could change.

This is the issue with long distance relationships and I think you’ve both done well to see each other as often as you have.

I am not sure if a long distance relationship is going to work for you and you need to decide what you want, before discussing it with him.

In the past 6 weeks you’ve been on 3 short trips and staying with him for a week.
I’m not sure how much more you can see each other.

A long distance relationship means seeing each other much less than a normal relationship.

If you’re not happy seeing him less, then you need to think about moving closer or finding someone who lives closer to you.

How far away are you?

I want a long term commitment from him and don't want to find out too late he doesn't want that, having children etc. I can't put that future conversation off for long

He's not putting off that conversation for long though - only a couple of months.

Kind of ironic you're prioritising work in November over visiting him, but get the arse when he prioritises his thesis. If the relationship is otherwise good, be a bit supportive and understanding now he needs it.

The logistics of one of you moving can usually be worked out, but first you have to be clear that you're actually on the same page.

So the conversation needs to go like this:

Do you see our relationship as a permanent one, meaning we will get married (if that is important to you) and have children together? If not, we don't want the same things.

If yes, when? When do you see us living together? When do you see us getting married? When do you think we should try for children?

If his timescale is too long or too vague for you, you point out that you're a woman in your 30s, you can't afford to wait that long before trying for children, and so if you're going to do these things with him you need a concrete plan to move to the next stage in your relationship (living together) and if you're not going to do these things with him you need to end the relationship (even if you are both happy right now) to give yourself time to meet someone else who does want to do these things with you. You can't afford to postpone this conversation, you need to know whether he is on the same page or not.

If he is on the same page and wants to live together in, say, 6 months, or a year max, and then get married (if applicable) and have children shortly after that, THEN you start discussing the logistics of making that happen.

Where are the possible locations? Where you live? Where he currently lives? Where he is originally from? Another location? For me the main factors to take into consideration would be, where is the best location in terms of you both being able to work in your chosen careers, and where is the best location to raise children? Would you have more family support for raising children in one of the possible locations? If there is a language barrier for one of you then that is also something to take into consideration, but you can learn another language if you put the effort in.

To cut a long story very short, the TDLR version is this.

Question 1: Do you both want to live together and have a future together, including children?

If the answer for both of you is an emphatic yes, proceed to question 2. If the answer for either of you is not an emphatic yes, break up.

Question 2: Having talked through all the logistics of how to live in the same place, including the impact on both your careers, is one of you willing to make the move within the next year?

If the answer is yes, start making it happen, put a timescale on it, and if nothing is happening within that timescale, consider whether it's time to break up. If the answer is no, break up now.

For what it's worth, I was in this situation. I ended up moving to his country, we got married very shortly afterwards, I will probably stay here for the rest of my life now.

God, can you imagine if an OP posted that she was working full time and under huge pressure trying to complete a PhD that she'd invested a huge amount of time, money and effort in, and her boyfriend was whinging that he wasn't getting enough attention? The response then would also be to LTB! PP who said life isn't a Disney film is correct, there's a balance to be found and tbh it sounds like he's found it and you haven't.

Speaking as someone who has two Master's degrees, one achieved while working FT (while acknowledging this isn't a patch on a PhD), and was in a previous LDR. 5 weeks is not that long, we were early 20s and went that long without a visit, I can't imagine how long it would have been if we were in our 30s with grown up commitments.

January isn’t long. Wait till then. Presumably he’ll be finished his phd by then?

He can make the effort, and doesn't want to. He is not your partner.

He's either got someone else lined up or he's hoping to have someone else lined up, but is breadcrumbing you in the meantime.

He is behaving exactly as he wants to. This is his choice.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable when he's explained everything he has going on in November and you also can't visit him because of your work. He could say the same about you, that you aren't prioritizing him.
You seem to have seen each other quite a lot in the last month and a half - more often than I ever saw my ex when we were long distance, due to our different commitments.

Then as I read the rest of your posts it's obviously a much deeper conversation than what you initially said (wanting to plan more time with him for January and February). It sounds like its one of those really big conversations about where the relationship is going and what the future is and if and when you want to have children and where you will live. In which case, it's absolutely not unreasonable to put that off until January when he is less stressed and the stress of Christmas etc. is over.

Tell him you'll have a conversation in January but both of you need to make time for it and that both of you should think about your wishes and needs beforehand.

Then use the time you have away from him in November to really think about exactly what it is you want and whether he can provide that.

He is finishing his PHD and that will be taking all his spare time and brain capacity. He is probably stressed over it too and exhausted from working all week and doing this in the evenings and weekends. If everything is good between you, then just accept that you won't get much change out of him until he has finished it. I would cool things a bit and not place any demands on him and see how things lie once the PHD is out of the way. Only then, will you be able to see if he is cooling in general or was just prioritising a reaslly important part of his future, life-long career.

finishing a PhD is very very hard. I have never seen anyone do it without giving 100% and letting the rest of their life slip. Even those married with children need family to take a backseat in the final months.
If you try to force a decision about the future now it will likely mean a break up as he hasn’t got the capacity. If you can wait till January then it’ll be a different story.
If you don’t want to wait for him then that’s your decision. Either break up or temporarily separate if you can’t support him.

If you push this too much he might end up just breaking up with you. It sounds like work is stressing him quite a lot atm. Be flexible.

Or he’s an adult with adult responsibilities and doesn’t have time to see OP constantly.

In the past 6 weeks, they’ve had 3 short trips and OP is now staying there for a week.

At the start of December he’ll be seeing OP for a week at hers.

If you can’t go 4 weeks without seeing someone then you have issues.

This

poor guy is working hard and stressed about something that is extremely important and pretty much all consuming and you’re being advised to keep on at him and make it worse!

also you’re busy in Nov but that’s seemingly absolutions, it’s just him being busy that’s unacceptable.

finishing a PhD is very very hard. I have never seen anyone do it without giving 100% and letting the rest of their life slip.

With DH there were a few months when I didn't see him as he was finishing up - but then I had same with work and OU deadline combined - a month or two we didn't see each other. We were together but apart for 6 years before we married - moved into together month before marriage.

In the past 6 weeks, they’ve had 3 short trips and OP is now staying there for a week.At the start of December he’ll be seeing OP for a week at hers.

That doesn't sound bad TBH .

Take a step back from putting pressure on him.

She clearly does need to have that conversation but she should respect his request to wait until January.

You said it was long distance but I assumed you meant in the UK, like 3 hours drive or by train.

Now I've read all your posts, you're in different countries.

I can see how if he's working in a different country it may be hard to find a weekend to travel to see you BUT without knowing the locations, that's hard to say.

Is this a 3hr flight, or 3 hrs on Eurostar, or what?

Are you a teacher? This is half term in the UK so is that why you're with him?

Also, you're calling him your partner.
I'd say he is your boyfriend.
Partner to me is when you live together as if in a marriage but without the legal tie. Sharing finances, having a whole life together, is what a partner is.

He's not really your partner.

If he won't discuss this for another 3 months, I think that tells you everything.

You're just not on the same page. You have 'your' life with your work and friends, and own a house. He's overseas, rents, seems unready to commit.

It's not going to work. Sorry.

The comments about not putting him under pressure because he's doing a PhD and working are, frankly, ridiculous.

People work and do PhDs all the time, AND bring up young kids at the same time.

To say this guy can't have a conversation about where this relationship is going is madness.

Im going to sprinkle a little Monday morning positivity (it could go either way from what you’ve said to be fair; it’s a lot of effort to maintain but sounds like you both want to plan for the future...): do you think he plans on proposing at Christmas?

You'll never "make" him be more bothered about not seeing you and it's not something you can negotiate. To quote a classic "he's just not that into you" so it's a waste of your precious time expecting that to change.

2025, start it without him!
😁

Ah the PhD I'm not surprised then. Especially with him working too. He has to get this out of the way, you wouldn't want him to fail.

So I'd say right guy bad timing.

When you did your finals weren't you under enormous stress @VioletW

Look, the bottom line is he can't handle talking about your future for another 3-4 months.

That tells you everything.

You are nowhere near the top of his priorities list.
Sorry but you do need to face reality.

Taking you on trips and spending Christmas with you isn't really telling you that much.

@ClaireduLuney we are both in the UK.

I'm in Scotland, he's in England.

For me it's one thing if the PhD is a special case. If this is evidence of how he will always treat important topics (let's put it off to X date) when he knows it's affecting me emotionally, that's different. I'm not a priority no.

He's busy and stressed meeting a deadline which is culmination of 3 years work and will affected his ability to find work for rest of his life.

One of DH friends was kicked of his PhD - DH says he's never heard it happening before or so late - his mate had picked up a very demanding GF and her demands were impacting his work which was extremely stressful with tight deadlines already - friend ended up having a mental health break down and never really recovered still lives with his parents.

So obviously that influence my view that if the Op cant give him some space and time till January for talk - she still seeing him in December - than frankly she should fuck off out of his life rather than fuck it all up for him.