Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Just to play devil's advocate for a moment, if he wants to be a prof and you want to be a novelist, have you considered how it might change things if you took the decision to remain childless? I can see that it would massively open up your lifestyle options and take so much pressure off in so many ways, with or without him. Obviously doesn't work if you're desperate to become a mum though.

I’m glad youbha

Sorry … phone slipped!

I’m glad you have such exciting opportunities ahead. Grasp them with both hands and if he’s along for the ride that’s great. I just feel as though you are kind of micro-focusing on him and his responses to the detriment of your own opportunities. That’s why I honestly think some breathing space would benefit you just as much.

How long have you been seeing him?

I think it's fair enough to have a conversation about it you're not asking him to commit to anything just to know what the possibilities are once his PhD is out the way

It's coming out in January and you haven't finished edits yet?

No it's not coming out in January @MeowCatPleaseMeowBack

Don't worry, I have time! 🙂

Oh right, not sure where I got January from then.

Has your editor indicated that you'll be doing massive edits? Mine have never taken more than a few days.

Lots of people take time over edits. You don’t know till you get them.

I genuinely thought he must be at least in his 40s.

You said he'd had a long marriage (yet he's only 31 now) and he's got a professorship. So he clearly married young.

Maybe if his career is really taking off at 31, marriage and kids aren't on his agenda for a while.

@ClaireduLuney he was only 20 when he got married! So very young.

I'm not sure as he has been talking about babies quite a bit lately and most of his friends have kids. But really he's dating a 33 year old so he has to realize I don't have the luxury of too much time.

I'm not desperate to become a mum but over the last year I'm leaning more towards it and imagining him as a dad sometimes.

The thought of not doing it makes me feel quite sad. But we both have thriving careers so being childless would obviously give us more freedom. I think we both separately have quite exciting lives and travel a lot together too

Speaking as a mum, it helps if you are more on the desperate side than the just leaning towards it side! It’s pretty seismic!

Truly op, I think you need a bit of time to turn inward and listen to your needs. Then you know where you stand when you have some conversations in January. Write down your thoughts so you aren’t tempted to be knocked off your course by his responses.

My gut is you would love to be a mum and his leisurely pace is making you panic. But if that’s so, it’s important you convey that. He’s allowed to want to prioritise his career but you are allowed your priorities. It may just be that they don’t fit together.

Thanks @Calliopespa

I'll sincerely spend some time listening or my own wants and desires. And journalling is a great idea.

I used to journal all the time to figure out my thoughts and just stopped at some point.

It is possible he isn't bothered about starting a family any time soon and if I do want that then I can't afford years of waiting around.

I say this with kindness, OP. He's finishing his PhD. LEAVE HIM ALONE AND DON'T CAUSE HIM ANY MORE STRESS. Send him a care package every now and again. I lived in the same town as my ex and didn't see him for a month while he finished his PhD. Have your talk in January. If it's still not right by March then you can think about LTB.

Yes! Good advice op! A care package for him is a lovely idea but also use the time he is caught up to get some space to do find real soul searching.

I get the impression he is an interesting guy. You may find life without him is just not what you want and that will direct you in January. Equally you may find you connect to a strong desire to be a mum, which you have to then convey.

I'd be very wary of a man (who's clearly very bright) who married at 20 (presumably as a student.)

It shows a certain impulsivity and lack of maturity .Even if he was in love he should have realised that at 20 he was hardly a mature and rounded person.
A lot of people who are highly intelligent are also a bit emotionally flaky and unstable. It often goes with the territory.
And there's always the 'once bitten' experience that might be in his mind now.

That’s a generalisation - in some communities people are pressured to marry in their late teens and early 20s due to beliefs around sex before marriage (I.e devout Christian communities) or just cultural norms.

We don’t know his reason for getting married young - might have been family or community pressure, might have been impulsivity- either way, judging a person on their mistakes made at 20 is a bit harsh surely?

Yes of course it's a generalisation, but that's because generalisations have some basis.

I don't get the impression that someone who's almost a professor at 31 would be from a community where he was controlled by his family or even the culture. If you read all the OP's posts and where he lived before, he doesn't appear to have the background you're thinking about.

Well he seems anything but impulsive now.

Oh fgs, there could be any number of reasons why someone might marry young - accidental pregnancy, immigration issues, teenage sweetearts, or as the pp suggested cultural pressure. From previous threads, he's from Sweden iirc (?) where nearly 10% of the population is muslim. Also drawing on a generalisation obviously. None of us knows, and it doesn't really have much bearing on the current situation.

It has a lot of bearing on the current situation. Having a young marriage and then a divorce can leave scars. I know much older people who won't ever marry again, after a divorce, although they are happy to co-habit. Others repeat the same pattern and get married multiple times.
The reasons you give for a young marriage aren't exactly positive are they? Obviously this was a teenage sweetheart scenario as he was just 20. And now, he's only known the OP for a year , long distance, never living together, only holidays. Hardly surprising he's not committed in any way.

@ClaireduLuney childhood sweethearts is right. I was still shocked by 20 as it's just so, so young.

He doesn't talk about marriage much but seems to still admire the institution. He talks about babies more than marriage but again, there's been no real conversation. And that's why it needs to happen sooner than later.

Do you know what happened to his, basically, teen marriage? How long it lasted, why it ended, if they are still connected, if he was hurt, if there was cheating - he might be very very wary of getting hurt again.

And if as a poster has said from reading previous threads, he is autistic; then trying to manage FT job, last stages of PhD, and a LDR with demands could be too much for him right now.

I think it's quite a stretch to suggest he is "not committed in any way", "emotionally flaky and unstable" or even "scarred" because of a young marriage that didn't work out. He's not the first and he won't be the last - and his life doesn't exactly seem to have gone to hell in a handcart since.

I would try to keep in mind @VioletW that the only person here who actually knows him is you.

@JFDIYOLO I dont know why it ended but I should find out. No cheating involved.

They are still connected and meet once a year for lunch/dinner when he's back home.

He's mentioned getting hurt more than once, so you might be right. While he is very busy we had a lovely evening last night.