Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus no because we've never had the conversation about living together in a real way.

Today he's at work and I'm working from home, tonight we'll make dinner and watch a cosy film on the couch.

But then I'm away again until December. I enjoy the togetherness and miss it when it's gone. I am getting lonely eating all my meals just by myself back home too. Small things.

Oh back end of a PhD is hard, you’re under an enormous amount of strain and barely have time or headspace for anything else. I’d give this some time and see how he is after his viva. Don’t jump into dumping him just yet, find some patience.

It's not about talking about a future together. My partner was making comments about how much better everything was with me around while we were in your position, before he proposed which was a complete shock when he did. The point is I knew he wanted to be with me, I knew he wanted to spend every second with me even when he couldn't. He made it clear whether we were together at the time or not just by his simple comments not by the serious ones.

Exactly this. He is coming straight to you for a whole week after he has delivered his PHD and then wants to talk about more time with you in January which I assume is tied up with his viva. He will be absolutely up in the air til then as I am assuming his professorship and his whole academic future and job security is tied up in the value and success of his thesis.

Huge pressure.

You've said "he won't talk til 2025" in a dramatic way @VioletW but really the timescale feels reasonable. You appear to do a lot of navel gazing. Don't create drama where there is none; especially in such a new relationship. Focus on the positives, see friends, crack on with plans for work, the ho0bby, the book etc etc.

@VioletW Can I suggest you spend some time reading all your other threads about this man? And the advice you got.

Nothing in them, or this one, suggests he is as 'into you' as you want him to be.

You're probably going to accuse me of being harsh. I'm not. I'm trying to help you see that this is not going to work out.

You're coming over as desperate for it to work. You're deeply insecure and clingy in this relationship and he's aware of that. Nothing turns a man off more.

Please read your own previous threads. This has been an angst-ridden relationship almost from the word 'go'.

Good relationships don't need this amount of 'advice' and taking soundings.
You'd know if it was right. It's not. Your other threads show that.

Don't waste your fertile years. There is a chance that in January he may say it's not working for him. Are you ready to take that risk or be the master of your own life - not what he wants?

Yes, I think it's ridiculous to need to book an appt for something like this

Thanks @MildredSauce

For now I will focus on myself and what I want. We can see how our time together in December goes and I think if he feels a bit more relaxed he'll likely bring up seeing each other more if he wants that too.

I'm not 'desperate' for it to work. I want it to work but know I'll be fine if I need to be single again for a while.

I don't want to react out of stress or anxiety on my part either. I need to find ways to de-stress and get a bit more clear headed myself.

Not ridiculous if the guy knows his girlfriend has a modus operandi as demonstrated on MN over the past few months!

You have so much going for yourself. Honestly, stop thinking so much.

Is he older than you, @VioletW ?

@MildredSauce I'm not good at switching my brain off, it's true.

He's not older, he's two years younger.

@VioletW
Do you think it's possible he plans to wriggle out the relationship in January once he's free of his study, and has deferred telling you, because a) he didn't have the band width and b) he's enjoying the benefits without the commitment c) he's a bit shady?
Honestly, I'd look for someone nearer and more into you.
Good luck with your book project

' I am getting lonely eating all my meals just by myself back home too.'

and this is probably the whole issue.

you really do need to accept he is just not that into you, and find someone who is.

@Mum5net no I don't think it's likely.

Last night before bed he was suggesting he comes with me on my book tour next summer, I doubt he'd bother if his plan is to dump me in January.

Crikey. Divorced with years of marriage behind him (in your words) and a Uni professor, I was expecting older, not just 31.

I don't know what to say.

If he's under a lot of pressure and unable to focus right now, is there any harm in waiting until January? If you get to January and he still doesn't want to talk then the reply should be 'you don't prioritise this relationship so let's call it a day'.

Neither of you is wrong. But you obviously each have very different ideas about what you want/expect from a long-distance relationship, and for that reason, I don't think this relationship has a future.

Is this a technical book based on your work or a novel?

@ClaireduLuney it's a novel! My first 🙂

Well done.

How you promote it is your choice. You presumably will do this outside of work at weekends?

@ClaireduLuney thanks! I am deciding the editing schedule with my publisher over the next week

I will need to do the edits alongside my full time job, so some weekends and weeknights will be needed. It will be intense.

No doubt it's contributing to the stress I'm feeling in general.

Congratulations, OP!

Op I also i remember previous threads and again it was very much about him not seeming sufficiently committed.

I do feel for you, as it is clear your angst is genuine.

What I would say however is it seems to me you have a habit of pushing at moments when he is least willing to give. It doesn’t come across as you being manipulative, at least not consciously so; but I do feel you are needy and that gets triggered when it’s most awkward for him - a bit like babies and toddlers will get needy when their mum is on the phone or are rushing round busy. They sense the competition for attention and get unsettled.

Even after so many of us commenting that he needs space at present, you have kind of agreed in form, but then gone on to say “ tonight we’ll have a cosy movie “ or “ we’ll see how the time together in December goes.” I can tell you how it will go at this rate: not well. In December he is going up need full focus on his work. And as things stand, that us going to get you even more wound up and clingy.

You are right that you should be seeking to ascertain his longer term intentions, but now is not that moment. January really isn’t all that far off for a grown woman. Can I suggest you step back until then. Rule a line and say we’ll talk then . Because someone needing cosy movies on the sofa is not going to fly in the coming weeks
You aren’t a baby. Take a deep breath, tell him you will give him space till January but at that point be ready to take hard decisions. That gives you time to think too, to see how you find things when you are putting your focus into other friendships and projects. I do think the space will be better for both of you. You are at an age where you need to start taking decisions - not in the next hours or weeks, but next six months to a year. I think this will give you both clarity.

I'm going to take a stab at assuming that creative writing is the hobby you've won an award at and which could be your career in the future?

In which case you have a bigger decision to make than this bloke of yours. Salaried project manager versus self employed author. If I'm right, then what an opportunity.

Not sure what your chap lectures in. But if he is in academia as he has aspirations to write and be published, then be wary of jealousies from his side. It might be a contribution to his attitude. And interesting he was pushing you to go for the max in your PM career - does he know you, your hopes and dreams at all? How supportive of those is he?

@Calliopespa the cosy movie on the sofa tonight was his suggestion!

No I'm not a baby. Maybe I am being unconsciously triggered. It's a good point.

I'll take a good look at the advice I've had here and the pros and cons list suggested too.

@MildredSauce that's right! It's been my lifelong dream so I'm very excited but it's also more stressful than I ever imagined.

He is supportive. Maybe there's a hint of jealousy about my having a book out. Nothing major. He says it's 'inspiring'.

Although I think there is a bit of a gap between him pushing me to climb the career ladder and understanding I need to ringfence mental/emotional space to prioritise writing. He'll need to understand what matters most.