Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

It's not what he wants it's what he bloody has to do to get through the next few months. You're not a child but a woman IN her mid to late thirties.

Sorry you're 33 publishing a book, you have deadlines. If you're financially solvent just go ahead and have a baby sans man

Hmm you keep drip feeding bits which isn't helpful, but I would agree with others that you need to take a step back and reassess later. If he is following an academic career path, the chances are he won't get as much flexibility as others would to move easily from place to place. He maybe limited to certain "centres of excellence". He will have times in his life where work is the most important thing, and he will have long and arduous deadlines.

If that is something which you can't step forward and support him with, while recognising at other times he will need to do the same for you, then I think you need to reconsider whether this is the sort of relationship you really want. 3 hours is not really a long distance relationship in the grand scheme of things. You could theoretically both move to the mid way point to build a life together, but it seems like there is a fundamental set of different expectations of what life is and can give you.

While your biological clock maybe ticking, it is a bit of a moot point. He sounds pretty normal to me - given his career choice - and you just need to decide whether that is going to suit you and whether you want more from life. This whole thing is less about him, and more about you working out what you want from life.

@Thingamebobwotsit yes I think I've been thinking about it wrong partially.

I'll use the rest of this year to consider carefully what I want.

But your other thread said you met on a dating site.

My boyfriend and I first met on an online platform.

It didn't go further but about a year later we actually saw each other on a dating platform and it blossomed from there.

It's very confusing.

I'm sorry it' s not working out as you'd hoped but given all your threads on this man, I do think you need to accept he's not the one for you at the moment.
Whatever site you met on, there was another woman and you posted that you were worried about his contact with her. And that was 3 months ago.

I've spent time investing in this relationship. I don't want to chuck it. I also don't want to wait too long and shove my needs on the back burner

It's been a year and you've been complaining for months he doesn't put the effort in. How much time can you have actually spent together?

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack I'm not sure what reply I'm expected to give here, it's hard to count!

The average is a week (7 days) a month, which is about two long weekends a month. Before he moved it was more obviously.

Not sure I agree with that.

For a phd student that takes priority near deadlines or hand in. That’s just how it is.

Perhaps you're just being polite, but I notice you're very receptive to all the opinions and advice you receive, even though ultimately it would seem you don't really get what you need from your mumsnet threads.

Do you feel you have to go along with what others think about things regardless of how you yourself feel? Do you feel that in this relationship? That you have to go along with what he wants/what he's willing to offer, irrespective of whether it makes you happy?

I get a strong sense of you as doubting your own judgement.

@SophiaCohle well I do feel that I need to go along with his schedule dictated by the PhD. And that I can't say much because it's important to his career.

Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm reasonably asking and what I'm being unreasonable about (me upset that I'm being asked to wait months for an answer but then posters say I'm not being reasonable).

It makes me worry that I don't have a reasonable outlook on what I should expect from the relationship. It makes me doubt my ability to be in a healthy relationship.

The question was rhetorical. The point is you're clinging on to this relationship either because you feel pressure to get pregnant or because you feel you've put a lot of effort in, but you shouldn't be having a baby in an insecure relationship and a relationship this young shouldn't be this much effort. It's not going to work out no matter how much you want it to.

I've spent time investing in this relationship. I don't want to chuck it. I also don't want to wait too long and shove my needs on the back burner

This sounds like sunk cost fallacy - you put effort in so don't want to walk away but may still end up walking away and losing more time further down the line.

You are allowed to have your own priories - your own hard lines - if you aren't prepared to move and he won't (and if you aren't clear then he can't be clear back) - let it go focus on your upcoming stuff and starting dating in your own city later on when you do have time.

If you can just enjoy seeing him without future worry then do that and see if he will talk in January - though saying I have to think about things messes you both about neither of you can make choices then - try being clear with communication with him - no that doesn't work for me - no I'm not prepared to move - not I'll have to think about it which leave you both in limbo.

Otherwise put entire thing on back burner till new year when you both have time - and in meantime really think about what you want and tell him and if you are not on the same page you both need to move on to other people rather than waste endless time.

Sure, but the fact he's tied up with a PhD, and has clear ideas about how much time he has to spare/wants to give, and lives hundreds of miles away, and isn't amenable to pressure from you about what you'd rather was happening... I mean, it doesn't matter what we think is or isn't reasonable, and to some extent it doesn't even matter what he thinks is or isn't reasonable. If it's making you miserable, you don't have to force yourself to suck it up while berating yourself for not being more cool or independent or PhD-friendly. Based on the threads I've seen, I think he sounds pretty OK. But you sound like a catch yourself. Your prime consideration should be how you feel, not what anyone else thinks. The heart wants what it wants, and that's OK.

I wonder if that is because there’s two separate things going on here - i.e. refusing to wait till after he finishes his PhD to have the conversation is (potentially) unseasonable of you, given how much stress etc he must be currently under, but having a gut feeling that this relationship may not be right for you due to the possible need to move, uncertainty about what he wants etc is very reasonable. And I think that’s the bit you need to work through for yourself.

I wonder if you were very secure in the relationship and felt sure you were a team and had common goals - would you be as upset about waiting to plan in Jan?

@WillowTree33 probably not.

If there was a set end date where we'd be together, I'd likely be fine with it.

I'm not saying I won't move but emotionally need time to process what that would look like if I did and also what locations are possible for both of us.

You have mentioned putting effort in to developing the relationship but I can't tell how long you have been together?

Poor communication is a deal breaker in most long term relationships. Life happens in parallel, not either or. This whole 'I'm busy with this part of my life and can't deal with the you part of my life' is immature and short sighted.

In a good relationship, the conversation you need can happen at any time, because it's about your future together, alongside and a part of everything else l going on.

The fact is, he doesn't want to have that conversation and he is using the PHD as an excuse. Otherwise, he would.

Your instinct is already telling you this.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say, if we're to have any hope of making this work we need to not live so far apart, but if I'm to contemplate relocating then I need some straight talking about how you feel and what you want. Just not in the month his thesis is due. If I remembered correctly that he's autistic/possibly autistic, I imagine he'd appreciate directness. Personally, though (as an autistic person) I would rather just have this conversation (notwithstanding what everyone has said about his PhD) even if it needed to be thought about and revisited a few times. I would find it very stressful that you wanted to schedule it for a particular week or month and have that hanging over us until I was able to deliver.

Anyway, I really must get on with some work. Good luck with it all.

@StealthMama The OP started posting about this roughly 15 months ago.

Kindly, you have many threads going about this man covering many months.

I won't discuss them here but you know what they are.

It's not helpful to deny you met on a dating site now, unless your previous thread is untrue.

In all of them what you describe is your insecurity about his lack of contact, what he feels for you, the possible flirtation online with a woman of 26, his personal 'hygiene' for want of a better term, his suggestion you climb higher in your career (for his benefit longer-term, you wondered) and now, his 'parking' of a conversation.

I have the impression he's quite a bit older than you are . And academically you've put him on a pedestal.

But - and again I mean this kindly- you're reminding me of myself many years ago when I was full of angst about various men. I'd spend ages talking to my friends about whether they cared, where was it all going, etc etc.

When I met my DH, none of that applied. He was solid, straightforward, reliable, and invested in me (and we were long distance too. He once drove almost half the distance to rescue me when my car broke down.)

This relationship isn't for you. I appreciate you want to salvage it because you want children but it really doesn't look as if he's the one for you. His behaviour doesn't sound like a man who's really in love or who would give you the shirt off his back. You can do better.

You're trying to force it and he's wriggling like a fish on a hook.
Stop seeing what you want to see, and see what's in front of you.

Good luck and I hope you find what you want.

@SophiaCohle to be clear, I wasn't the one that wanted to schedule a chat.

I said going forward in 2024 I'm keen for you to visit me more too and he said 'can we have this conversation in January'. I said I don't see a reason to schedule a talk about this and he said because it's serious/important.

Anyway thanks for all your replies, been very helpful.

I'm not saying I won't move but emotionally need time to process what that would look like if I did and also what locations are possible for both of us.

So get clear - several posters have said this guy is not only finishing a PhD so super stressed but is also autistic - clear communication would be vital not obfuscating behind I need to think.

Work out if you will be willing to move.
Then work out where you would be willing to move to.

Do a pro and cons list.

He needs time at minute to finish PhD your entering a busy period - take time and space and do the thinking.

Then accept this may mean the end of the relationship depending on what you decide. Dancing round not being clear for for months on end you up just end up in the same position but older with less time on your side.

I think what you really want from your posts is him in your city - but if he can't or won't move to you that it won't happen and you should move on sooner rather than later rather then you both string each other along each hoping the other will move.

Agree. If he’s not all in after the PHD, he’s not committed.

The moving closer is a red herring.
Its far more fundamental than that.

The OP has many many threads about this relationship. (I was alerted to them by other posters.)

In those threads she was unhappy about so many things to do with his behaviour, going back over a year.

It's just sad she can't face up to the reality of how it reads to others.

In those threads she was unhappy about so many things to do with his behaviour, going back over a year.
It's just sad she can't face up to the reality of how it reads to others.

Then she need to drop him and move on - this is still early days relationship when everyone is on best behavior and if it's this hard it just not worth it.

VioletW if your early 30s and want to find someone to have family with - this is clearly not that relationship and more time and mental energy you waste on it - longer it will be before you do find the good one you want.

Why on earth would any sensible, grounded person be 'all in' or 'committed' after only a year of sporadic long-distance dating?

Especially when the topic is moving your entire life and promising marriage and children!

OP reckoned 1 week per month, let's say for 1 year, that's around 12 weeks of time spent together. They barely know each other!

Does he initiate talks about the future? Not in a forced or serious sit down way but in an organic way, for example if you've had a Cosy, comfortable evening together just sat on the couch watching tv, just saying he can't wait for this to be your everyday. In other words does he mention an every day future of the 2 of you together, not visits to each other or holidays but the mundane stuff. I ask because in our relationship it's one of the things that means the most, the being able to do nothing together, to relax and chill, to work side by side doing what needs doing - even the housework. We can go away together at any time but it's that life together we both crave.