Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Probably should have been an outright no - I have massive book deadline which is a huge deal to me then - can we do December even if it's at the end of month.

If you do seem him a week in December - I'd try and have a talk then - if he past the PhD deadline he should be in a more receptive mental space and if not - well that tells you something as well.

If you are not willing to move from your city and life ( and that's very valid view point) you do need to gauge how likely he is to move to you and if he's not then this relationship has no real future and you'd be better ending it and trying to find someone in same geographical area.

I think you're trying to force things that your relationship is nowhere near ready for organically.

You've been dating for around a year, long-distance, so very little time actually spent together in reality. You've both been busy and preoccupied with other parts of your lives. It's VERY early days, relationship-wise.

You have no idea yet if this is the lifelong partner and co-parent for you, nor does he know that of you.

Trying to hothouse the short time and limited history you actually have together into a committed marriage-with-kids scenario just because your biological clock is ticking is foolhardy in the extreme. It will not end well for you, or him, or any future children.

I would caution you re thinking of moving away from your well established life.

For some it may work out, but for so many it becomes a huge regret, particularly if you have children.

There is no doubt that a phd is an enormous tiring commitment with work and he is near the end.

If he had differed to after submittal for a couple of weeks, that is one thing, but months, no.

I think you have done enough hanging around for his career.

I would be very wary.
Take time to be very sure of what you want because your communication does seem very poor.

After more than a year it should be better.
I fear that even with a nice man you are the good enough for now women.

Won’t he have his viva to prepare for though as well as working? If he hands it in in November his viva will likely be in January. Sadly submitting the thesis not the end of the PhD process.

My advice though after reading that you have posted multiple threads but only have known him for a year is that no relationships at these early stages should be giving you so much angst. That is your subconscious telling you that this is not the right one for you.

My OH drive from Brussels to Frankfurt and back again on a freezing cold (literally freezing) November evening to spend 2 to 3 hours with me. I think we had known one another around 3 years at this point. OK, he wasn't writing up a PhD, but he was in Brussels for work (airline pilot).
He also drove 5 hours to take me out to dinner on my 50th (once-off, but it HAD to be on my actual birthday, that was important to HIM).

So a few months back you started a new job with more responsibility PLUS you have a hobby you win awards at and want to make a career from PLUS you have a book coming out.

You don't want to move. DP can't move.

Add that to your concerns about his online crush, his dismissiveness of your high pressure job. The fact he has been married before for a long period of time.

Respectfully, this is not the right relationship for either of you.

Even after submitting a PhD, your supervisor can come back to you asking for revised updates many times.

He's working AND doing a PhD. He doesn't have time for you. He may have good intentions and want to fit in your relationship - but you can't create time that simply isn't there. A case of right people, wrong time maybe. PhD in itself is a hell of a lot of work and in his shoes I'd prioritise that above anything.

He should make position clear to you though (although to me it's obvious) and equally on your part I'm surprised you're not more understanding. You want time that he isn't able to give. It's a case of put up with it until he finishes his PhD at least, or cut ties and find a relationship more suitable for you, ie a man closer to home who isn't both working and studying.

It almost feels like there is a battle on of who is the busiest between them.

And then who is going to sacrifice their time the most.

Ah so he's in Scotland.

I know the Scots want independence (or did!) but I'd hardly call it another country when you're saying you live 'in different countries'.

You're both in the UK.

Three hours is nothing really, if it's by road or rail.

I see that other posters have referred to your other threads about him.

All I'd say to you (as an older long-married woman) is that if you're having this much angst about a man, it's usually not working. When it works, it works.

On your last thread I was one of the posters who advised you to initiate a discussion about where this is going long-term. And I still think that's the correct approach (although timing is uncertain given the PHD). But I remember you said he'd asked you if you'd move, and you said you'd need to think about it. Now you're saying you still need to think about stuff so I struggle to see what the conversation will achieve other than you both saying "we need to think about this more" and kicking the can further down the road. If you're pushing for the conversation you need to go into it clear on your needs and boundaries so progress can actually be made. Use this time until you see him to be really clear on those to make the discussion worthwhile.

TBH I'm not 100% sure what you're asking him.
It seems to be how to make the relationship 'more viable' - whatever that means.

You both seem entrenched in your own careers and where you live.
If you don't want to move and he doesn't or can't, how can it progress?

The idea that you'll be busy in January is a bit of a red herring. Unless your book is going to be a best seller, the promotion is under your control.

End of PhD is a very stressful time so can understand that he might struggle to visit in November but I think all you want him to say is that he will stay visiting you more in Jan and Feb and I can't see why that is difficult

Well until he's had his viva, yes it will still be there.

I'm in a long distance relationship where physically spending time together is hard. I accept that because it's better for long term goals. Where we eventually settle is still up for debate but there is a current preference and we are working towards that. Video calls are frequent and long. We are in constant communication.

I know I am his priority, we could spend more time together now but it comes at a cost of longer term goals which are about us.

That's what you are lacking, you aren't a team. You aren't supportive of each other because you don't have the reassurance of working towards a shared future so you don't see his PhD as something that benefits you both so it's just a hindrance. It's possible that it's his issue and he is cold and keeping you at arms length but it could also be your insecurities that are getting in the way. You have a lot of hard thinking to do but my instinct is that he isn't giving you something you need. Not necessarily anyone's fault just a mismatch

@VioletW Two weeks ago you wanted advice before you and he went on holiday together.

You posted he was dismissive when you said you'd loads to do before your holiday.

How does this fit with your post now?

(I won't quote your thread but it's there from very recently.)

If he's too busy to see you now or talk, how did he find time for a holiday so close to his PhD?

You also posted not that long ago, that you'd seen him chatting to another woman online, on the same dating site where you met him, and sending her conciliatory messages when she was upset.
You asked if you should be concerned and that he had a 'crush' on someone.

There is no kind way to say this. You're being strung along. Any whiff of 'infidelity' like you've posted before so early on in your relationship is bad news.

If you want children and you're in your 30s, it's time to pull the plug on this one.

totally agree @Cardinalita90 ! Regardless of what he wants, if you don’t know what your boundaries are it’s going to be hard to have a productive conversation.

@VioletW If you do have this conversation in Jan, I would also suggest (at an appropriate time) giving him a heads up of what you want to talk about exactly so he’s aware and can think about his own needs / boundaries too so come prepared.

You also posted not that long ago, that you'd seen him chatting to another woman online

This was 3 months ago.

I don't think he's the kind and caring man you think he is.

Maybe it's time to think about your own boundaries and how good you are at spotting red flags.

I'm not being unkind, but you keep posting about the shortcomings of this guy and how you're unhappy.

Please wise-up and move on.

I’d see what happens when the PHD is finished and take it from there.

Another part of the problem is I know I'm maybe not dealing with it as best I can because I am also busy and stressed (and yes also started a new job as PP mentioned).

Like anyone else I want to have a good and happy life as much as I can. The problem is I'm so tired and busy myself that I find it hard to stop and think about what I want and how to communicate that to him. I need to come up with a better plan for this.

I've spent time investing in this relationship. I don't want to chuck it. I also don't want to wait too long and shove my needs on the back burner

As a PP said I want and need to be part of a team working towards a shared future. Presently we are still doing our own thing.

Also PP mentioned in trying to rush things in an inorganic way but I'm 33. If I wait too long that could be a big regret for me.

I think I’d try to spend the next couple of months focussing on yourself and put thoughts of your relationship on the back burner a bit.

Settle into your new job, look after yourself physically and socialise with friends. See what the New Year brings.

Oh woah, I missed the thread about there being an OW. This is the problem with constantly changing names and starting a new thread without half the backstory!

See, the way you're talking now, OP, I think what you really need is some time on your own. You sound madly busy with your own life and unsure about how to balance what you want against what you're being offered. I know you feel under pressure from your biological clock but rather than getting him to promise to spend more time with you, do you think it might actually be more productive to promise yourself some time apart, while you concentrate on your book launch and decide what you want?

@ClaireduLuney there was no 'OW'

And he was not on a dating site. She was an online friend who he doesn't speak to much anymore.

I had plenty of time on my own before this relationship. So that's not what I want. I love being with him but need to figure out how I can maintain the things that I love and a relationship/future life

I sort of think I might need to give something up. I need to think about my own overall wellbeing and bot just what he wants.

Good idea.

He likes having someone at arms length as it’s comforting. But if you’re serious about settling down and having children this ain’t the one.

If you want to give it one last test - as soon as he’s finished his PhD he needs to be all in. Any more excuses for distance and non contact - smell the coffee and end it.