Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

I would read this a few times, OP.

OP, is it right that as someone has mentioned from a previous thread here that he's autistic?

If yes - the poor guy.

Great post

As someone said upthread: It will backfire.
I dumped my BF who wouldn't give me the space I required to get my business off the ground. His wants were completely reasonable for any other moment in time but right there I had no headspace for it.
We had a conversation where I said that the next three months will be tough on my time and attention and I won't be able to commit to more than one night a week. Didn't stop him from planning us going to his mate's three day destination wedding. Then all the relentless sad-face "but I need yous" started. Then all the "if you love me..."

Dumping him was an immediate release of the pressure valve. We very well could have had a future if he knew the place and time for his wants.

This really is not the relationship for you, is it.

You have what ? 4 or 5 or 6 threads on / re him since April.

I agree.

Finishing a PhD is a MASSIVE once in a lifetime academic nightmare achievement and he will have ZERO headspace right now.

Cut him some slack!!

You've posted about him several times before haven't you? He's in academia and can't see you during his busy term times or similar?

I only mention your previous threads as it shows the relationship isn't making you happy atm, his level of commitment is leaving you feeling uncomfortable, to the point of making multiple internet posts asking for strangers' advice, because you can't talk to him.

Is the relationship worth all this anxiety?

What's your communication like between visits? Texts? Video calls? Phone calls? If you speak regularly between visits then I recommend hanging on till January. If not then maybe it's time to look elsewhere.

You are considering giving up a lot for him, so where are you and your plans in this? Not just having a partner and children, but where do you want to live? Who is nearby? If you relocate, how will you find friends? How will you stay in touch with your family?

Your future matters as much as his.

You've been together a year and started how many threads about him? 10? How many times have you even met in a year?

Just cut him loose. This is not going to end in a happily ever after.

OP, he obviously is very busy with his phd.
You are a nice diversion but not a priority.
He has been married and is clearly no rush to do it again.
I think you both sound on very different pages/stages and are not compatible.
He's a nice man but you are not the one for him.
When a man knows, he knows.
Even a phd wouldn't put him off.
He knows you are more invested, hence his comfort in deferring a mere conversation for several months.

I'm sorry but I think you are wasting your time and have invested enough of it.

He’s finishing off his PhD and you pull this shit??!!!! How selfish are you??? All those years of work, he has to focus and get it finished. It’s incredibly stressful and every second of your day is occupied with thoughts around it especially when he’s also working full time. Dear god.

He's submitting the PhD early November. So that is not the reason he can't visit for the whole month.

He will be working and probably exhausted so that might be why he's not visiting but the PhD won't be a valid reason after the end of next week.

He is in touch every day and the communication is good when apart.

Yes I need to consider all these things.

We did briefly discuss child rearing a couple of weeks ago and agreed we'd prefer grandparents nearby. My parents live near me and his parents are in another country.

But he can't change his job now, so I don't really see how it'll work. It needs thought.

Thanks @SophiaCohle

I'll give this some thought.

@Vermeers that's partially my worry. That he's been there and done that with marriage.

He's not going to be 'child rearing'.

@WillowTree33 yes good advice.

I should use the time now to think about what I want. My life here is fairly established and I am happy with it outside of missing him.

I think your communication must be dire.

You apparently know he submitting early Nov so currently very stressed now so won't want to talk now about future yet you are upset about that.

However you don't apparently know why he's busy rest of November or why he wants to put talk about future off till January - which I think most people would automatically ask and as you are busy In January - why you haven't said oh that doesn't work why can't we do it earlier.

He does sound from other posters a lovely guy - but the more you post the more I don't think he the guy in the right place for you career or location wise.

Have you done a PhD yourself? Do you realise the kind of pressure he is under?

I think YABU and should wait until he's finished his thesis to put any more pressure on him

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun he said 'can we postpone the conversation until January?'

I said I'm not sure, I need to think about that.

The idea we can't agree on some sort of schedule before Jan is stressful to me because them I'm the one with deadlines to hit that month. I need to plan ahead in Dec.

She said he will be finished by the end of next week… Not sure, therefore, why he thinks he’ll be too busy for the whole of November and December to talk. I wonder if his response is dependent on something else he is waiting to hear back about.

I've not done a PhD but I've recently written a book which is being published next year. That's what I'm so busy from January onwards.

So I understand well about pressure and deadlines.

'He is in touch every day and the communication is good when apart.'

so you managed to resolve the issue from your 12th June thread.

Seems like it! He could just say that...