Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

You've posted before, haven't you? Last time was to do with your birthday iirc.

No one can tell you whether or not he loves you, how much, or if it will work out. But it's obvious that he's committed to his career and if you can't cope with the implications of that (distance, the fact that he isn't always as available as you'd like etc) then no one is forcing you to be in a relationship with him, least of all him. I think I'm right in saying he's autistic, so you may also be waiting a long time for a level of demonstrativeness that he's never going to deliver.

It is what it is. All you need to do is decide if it makes you feel happy. If not, call time. You want guarantees and timelines and to plan it all out in advance, including cohabiting and marriage, and the fact that he's not amenable to that kind of micromanagement is making you miserable (judging by how often you post about it).

My personal view is that very little in life is amenable to being mapped out in advance, so my heartfelt advice to you is to take a chill pill and enjoy the ride. But if you don't want to change your attitude, you're entitled not to. But in that case you should probably end it, because all you're doing as far as I can see is tying yourself up in knots wanting him to react differently from how he's ever going to.

Honestly this is a MASSIVE drip feed.

if he is at the end of his PhD, then he will be breathing, sleeping and dreaming of his thesis. He will need time and space to concentrate. Of course it makes sense now that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to focus on you right now! This isn’t a normal job, it’s the culmination of years of work and a huge mental load!

I have a PhD and honestly you don’t sound very supportive at all. My husband (then boyfriend) was my biggest champion at that time, he read through my thesis for me looking for typos, he gave me space, and when I submitted we went on holiday to celebrate! Why not focus on life post thesis submission?

Part of the reason I'm so keen to talk in December is because in January my schedule changes for the worst. Then I will be busy and would like him to share his side of the travel to help me and ensure we can still meet.

I've done that for him quite a bit and feel we need to take turns when possible.

I think this sums it up op.

More and more on MN I find threads that are essentially lamenting the fact that someone in their life isn’t responding to them as they would ideally have them do - not “ following the script.”

I understand the desire to have control in this way, but over the years I’ve learned that telling people how to behave towards you is a hollow victory. You either implode the relationship, force them to feign something insincere, or it eventually buckles under the strain of playing a role that isn’t natural to them. Find the people who already treat you in a way that makes you happy.

You will find out in January.

If you think the clock is ticking, you can start dating other people in the meantime. I imagine you are not in an exclusive relationship? Never good to put all your eggs in one basket before he puts a ring on it.

I see so it's okay for you to be busy with your job. But not him with his job and the final slog of a PhD.

Do you really believe that you'll find your prince charming and get pregnant in a short space of time if you leave him.

You are more invested in this relationship than him.

He likes you, but not enough to put himself out.

If you want children don't waste any more fertile years on him cos he will drag his heels forever.

He is autistic? If so, that is another massive drip feed!

Geez, OP, what answer do you want? Let's just say it so we can all go home.

Sorry to be blunt, but if at this stage of his PhD you are making extra demands on his time and headspace, then you are being a bit of a nuisance. If he is handing in soon, then why are you trying to bring things to a head now? Seems like this might back-fire on you if you push it.

Saying you 'deserve' something from him sounds quite entitled, and if you are not supporting him in his final PhD push then that is something he won't ever forget and may start thinking you aren't the one for him after all; and you will have ruined a perfectly good relationship over not being able to bide your time for a couple of months.

Honestly folks, stop wasting your time.

OP will abandon the thread like she does all the others, then come back and post another one again next week.

So just take control.
Either dump him and move on, or accept it and give him space.

lol how annoying, no wonder her BF creates distance and space for himself.

OP, I fully understand where you are coming from.
Don't have any conversations with him about your joint future.
Be you; be warm and chatty but treat him as someone who is FWB.
Put your emotions for him in a suspended universe until February.
Socially go ahead from today with your life as if your boyfriend has disappeared. Be as active as you would be in the aftermath of a break up. Make plans to see other people and go places which involve time away without him. Assume he is not around for Xmas.
If he is the right person he will come back looking for you and make an effort.
Also, just saying, if you do want to make it with him, the likelihood is that you will need to move from Scotland. He does not sound like someone who will suddenly prioritise family. His focus is exclusively him. Maybe that's why he is no longer married.

Exactly this OP. Given the pressure he is under right now, I agree with others that waiting till January makes sense but it seems like your gut feeling is that you may be waiting months only to have a conversation that doesn’t give you any more reassurance or even ends the relationship.

If you do wait till January to discuss, I wonder if you could use the time in between to have a serious think about if he is the right person for you? It sounds like you are very settled and established where you are for example. That way it’s not “wasted” time and you’ll have the space to properly reflect on if this is a good relationship worth (both parties!) comprising for, or if it might have run its course and isn’t meeting your needs.

Let him finish the PhD then see how he is then. It would be different if he didn't have that to deal with, but since he does, you are being a bit selfish not wanting to wait till it's out of the way.

I don't think you want the same things, probably time to call it a day

You've mentioned 'LTB' but what is there to leave? He's just a guy you occasionally visit.
If you want a relationship and marriage you'd need to find a man who wants that too, in the same country as you.

You don't seem terribly flexible either though OP.

Are you wanting someone to come along and says he is all in the wrong? As you can see from pp, most don't think this.

There just doesn't seem to be a lot of compromise happening from what you have said. Perhaps you should think of breaking things off, and then see where you are both are say, mid next year?

Oh god if he's finishing his PhD it's no wonder he's got no time for you, OP. I was a recluse when my PhD thesis deadline was approaching. A very stressed recluse at that. No chance I'd have had the time to prioritise a relationship, especially a long distance one.

Was coming to say the same. There's a whole host of threads that give more insight into a relationship which at 3 hours travel time is honestly not LD. I have commuted longer hours than this!

Think @VioletW is one of these people who needs to put every thought process on MN.

One thing I would say: her DP has already scored a prestigious job in recent months and apparently is a professor at a uni. Don't you need a PHD before you take on a professorship?

This!
It's a short term pressure and he needs the space to complete his PhD.

If you're not a priority now, you're certainly not going to become more of a priority later. You're at the peak of his interest now.

Based on a picture built up over many, many threads, I have to just add that I think he sounds fab. He travels when he can and he treats you with great consideration when you do see each other. It's just that he's also committed to his career and exercises good boundaries when you try to press him to do things he hasn't got time for or that he knows would be stressful to try and cram in.

I think that you're subjecting this very promising relationship to a set of tests that perhaps seems reasonable when you view it through the prism of your entitlement to "certain things from love and life", and inevitably it/he fails. But at some level you know yabu, which is why you keep coming back to MN to ask us what we think all over again.

So my other heartfelt advice to you is to get some therapy so you can work out why you're behaving this way, because I don't think it's actually anything to do with him so much as something you're reflexively repeating from early relationships.

PhD’s are extremely demanding. It takes a real commitment to complete. You are acting far too precious about something that warrants extenuating/mitigating circumstances. Honestly this behaviour of yours will be more of a red flag to him than him “not prioritising you.” If you carry on like this he will leave the relationship.

PhD’s are extremely demanding. It takes a real commitment to complete.

This times a million!! You cannot understand just how huge the commitment is unless you've done it. It takes over your entire existence.