Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

The chances are he isn't avoiding you, he has just spent 3+ years (or in the middle of it with deadlines looming) on the one thing that may set his career up for you combined future. Cut him some slack and see what he is like in the New Year. I have had students attempt suicide due to the stress of submission. Do not underestimate the pressure people can pop themselves under so a 5 week hiatus sounds pretty normal to me.

The above quote was explained by a previous poster who is a PHD supervisor. You don't have a clue how the people you know who brought up toddlers at the same time as their PHD split the domestic workload close to their submission deadline. You are completely underestimating the intensity of a PHD deadline, and unless you've personally experienced this situation - your posts aren't helpful to OP. If she takes your advice, she would be the unreasonable one and the red flag in the relationship. Reverse the situation (and her boyfriend was pressuring OP to spend more time with him/ discuss their future close to her PHD submission deadline), we'd all be saying LTB.

I can only speak for myself in a similar situation - my kids barely saw me for 6 weeks. I did not do any drop offs, pick ups, and weekends and evenings were spent working flat out. My friends might say - I know LateAF who has kids, a husband, and managed to complete XYZ project at the same time - but they truly would have no clue about the fact that to survive and meet the deadlines I had to check out of family life temporarily - and my husband wholly supported and facilitated this.

If my husband had been trying to force me into having unnecessary discussions relating to our longterm plans while I was in fight or flight mode (without headspace to even chat to my kids some mornings) - I would have reconsidered our relationship once the major deadline was over.

Totally agree.

He would be mad to jeopardise this once in a lifetime opportunity he's worked up to at a critical time, just for a needy GF who doesn't understand the pressure and only thinks of her weekend leisure plans.
A good career sets up your entire working life, its a solid foundation to build success from.

Relationships in the modern world on the other hand simply may come and go, and there is always other options for both people around every corner. So no need to make current relationship leisure time a #1 priority always.
He his prioritising correctly IMO.

Are you mixing up the real world in 2024 with a Disney rom com movie lol?

I completed my PhD while holding down a senior academic job and managing a young child and household when DH was working overseas a great deal of the time. Yes, it's very, very stressful, but you have to be able to compartmentalise and make sure that the most important people in your world (DS and DH in mine) get a share of your time and attention. OP's partner could surely give her a little bit of his time right now just to say yes, I want to be with you more next year and build a relationship that may involve having a family together. If he's not able to do even that, but wants to kick the can down the road until January, I would be questioning whether he'll ever be up for a long-term commitment.

I think the crux of the matter is that OP doesn't seem fully aware of the pressure that his PhD could be putting on him.

She didn't even mention it until an afterthought post.

She seems to think that life should just sail on merrily right now although he most likely doesn't have a head space to do this at the moment. Hence asking for some space. But OP doesn't seem to agree with him needing the space. She wants her resolve now.

She doesn't want to leave him, she doesn't seem keen to give him space either though.

Only OP knows the answer here.

It’s nearly the end of October. If op’s clock is ticking at the rate it’s going to run out by 2025 it’s game over anyway.

The thing with a phd, op, is that given the scale of it, there are masses of ends that need tying together in a cohesive way which requires full overview of the whole thesis. Holding all that information in a kind of compact form in your mind to bring it all together takes s lot of concentration. You can’t just dip in and out, which is why so many people find the last phase intense.
Honestly you will be like a gnat in his ear if you push on about your diary at this point.

Exactly.

This! I can see why he doesn’t have time right now. PHDs are a massive stress.

Im all for LTB if someone isn’t putting in any effort, but I’d be the same as him even if I was with the line of my life.

give him space to finish PHD. If he doesn’t change after that, then it’s a problem.

If he’s studying that’s probably all he thinks he can do.

But from a relationship perspective (mine was long distance but within six months I moved over 20years ago and the two before that were long distance but fizzled out as lack of effort) you need to be taking it in turns to visit each other. I managed to do that in the past in long distance relationships with a young child, work and studying so it is possible. I’d take it as I’d rather be alone tbh.

He may just not be in the right place for a relationship, or the sort you require, right now.

If he's doing a PhD AND holding down a full time job, juggling a three hour LDR is a big deal for him.

He must be under a lot of stress, maybe nearly maxed out, and is asking for your consideration. I only did a BA Hons, without having a job and a LDR, and the thought of an MA/PhD is a bit overwhelming! Putting any more stress on him could be the last straw.

The PhD won't last forever; see if anything changes after it finishes. If yes, great!

If it doesn't? Well then, he likes things the way they are - and you'll have to decide if it suits you and if that's the life you want.

If you are looking for marriage and children (and in your 30s, the clock does tick), the LDR is unlikely to work, so one of you would have to move.

Sounds like you've decided it won't be you.

He is not your partner.
At best he's a FWB.
He is happy to shag you as long as he doesn't need to put any effort into the relationship.
Why on earth do you want to be with him?

Oof @VioletW it seems like a difficult situation. How long have you been together? I think that's one important information missing. If you're in a committed relationship and he is not making plans to live with you/have babies (or decide not to)/marry you aka all the lot, then you don't have a future.
On the positive side, I know plenty of relationships that were long distance and progressed to a life together, in fact I have just been to a wedding where the bride and groom lived at other ends of the globe for most of their relationship. The difference is they were both "in" it if you see what I mean, they planned their whole year around seeing each other and creating opportunities for travel. That's before planning their work schedule. And they had a deadline as to when they would be reunited for good. I know that because the woman is one of my best friends and she explained how they worked it out to me. To her and to him, there was no doubt they would end up together but that's because they both put in the effort.
Your BF telling you that the conversation of seeing each other more can wait until January is a bit humiliating, I'm sorry he was not as loving as he could have been.
Just have a heart to heart with him. What do you see for our future in 2025 and after. What are the next milestones of our relationship. And then work from there.
Good luck! :)

Balancing life while "studying" isn't the same as asking for some space for 5 weeks before a PHD submission deadline. My career is such that I'm always "studying" while working. However, I'm not always at the final deadline that is the culmination of 3 years of study.

There's a huge difference - the former is an important but manageable part of an already busy life, while the latter is all consuming and top priority.

If you have never done a PhD I don't think you can understand what a mental load this is. If it was just work and he wasn't making an effort to see you I would say he's just not that into you, but work and a PhD is intense. In his position I wouldn't be impressed with your demands to be honest, if he is coming to the end of his PhD he needs support from his loved ones and to be cut some slack.

It's not that long until the new year now, if he is still making excuses when he has handed in his PhD, then you will know where you stand, but for now just back off a bit and bide your time.

I've got to say, when I was in the final months of my PhD I was working on it 8-12 hours a day, 6.5 days a week. I had Saturday afternoons off. It was all-consuming and I remember at the time thinking there's no chance I'd have been able to devote any time to a relationship.

Although I might change my answer here. So he is saying that the PhD is all consuming up until January, where he can have a serious discussion with you about you're future? If that's the case and he is about to submit his PhD (been there), absolutely leave him to it and have a serious convo in January!

Basically exactly what @OolongTeaDrinker said

If the PhD submission is within a few weeks, then perhaps reasonable. Otherwise I'd question the level of commitment being a bit one sided.

I think if he wanted you to be a priority and see you - he would. Or he'd be happy to discuss it. I couldn't be doing with that. I'd worry that once he had time to think about it I still wouldn't be a priority and - unless you happy with that - just cut your losses.

This. She seems to either not understand what it’s like or not care (egged on by posters also falling into either of those two categories)

I agree with @gmgnts :

"OP's partner could surely give her a little bit of his time right now just to say yes, I want to be with you more next year and build a relationship that may involve having a family together. If he's not able to do even that, but wants to kick the can down the road until January, I would be questioning whether he'll ever be up for a long-term commitment."

Many of us have studied, or can grasp the pressure of a PhD. But if you can't take the time to have a break, then you've planned wrong. And it takes less than a minute to say to someone ' I'm in, totally in, just give me 2 months to finish this'. Would satisfy most. He hasn't. He can't read her emotionally.

I do care about the pressure he's under.

But sometimes it takes a toll being on the back burner. He's been doing the PhD ever since I've known him. I've frequently made concessions although he does make it up to me when he can.

I also need to think about my age, my bio clock and what is him just being reasonably busy versus putting off commitment. I'm not perfect and probably am not dealing with it perfectly.

What other reason can he have for not wanting to talk about it for months?

@Oblomov24 yes there's a big difference between a reassuring 'lets talk/plan our future in January once this hard part is over' versus looking annoyed and saying can we postpone this as though I'm being a nuisance

I deserve certain things from love and life too

I think I'd cut this one off. He's just not into you enough to make long distance work. It's hard even in committed relationships.