To have shouted at a stranger at the pool?

[Fullmooncomfort]

I’m still mulling this over so needed some opinions from you wise owls. The fact I’m still thinking about it makes me think I probably did the wrong thing 😖

scenario: busy pool today with Dd8 and her friend, we had just into a family cubicle to change after a nice swim. Changing rooms were busy and in high demand which is normal for weekend family swim time. We’d been in there for a couple of mins (so just at the stage I’m half dressed with dripping wet hair and the girls are wrapped up in towels slowly starting to dry off). The door to the cubicle gets banged on really loudly so I ignored it assuming someone had the wrong cubicle. However when it happened again really loudly I said “it’s occupied, won’t be too long” and the person on the other side started shouting about a jacket and rattling the door. The knocking and rattling of
the door continued and got louder and this girls started to get upset so I opened it a crack to say I think you’ve got the wrong cubicle, and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me saying I’d taken her cubicle and stolen her daughter’s jacket 🤷‍♀️I had to speak loudly as she was literally just ranting and I said I think you have the wrong cubicle, it’s me and 2 girls and we are changing so please step away and you are welcome to come in when we are done but there’s nothing it in apart from our stuff.
She then put her hand on the door and continued to shout about a jacket, saying she needed to come in and check as I had clearly moved her clothes out of it and stolen the cubicle and jacket. I finally lost my temper and shouted back (I know that was wrong but it was awful, the girls were upset and she had her hand on the door so I couldn’t shut and lock it) and she started really yelling at me. I didn’t know what to do so asked loudly if security was around (lots of wide eyed parents standing who did nothing but not a lifeguard in sight as they were poolside and no security as they of course would normally have no reason to patrol a kids changing area)
She then screamed that I was racist and she was calling security on me for theft 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️and walked off, so I went back in to reassure the girls, having locked the door.
Next thing I know a lifeguard of about 17 who looked confused knocked on the door and said a lady had come to complain that her daughter’s expensive jacket had been stolen and I had been racist towards her. I felt really upset (I think just shock) and managed to wobble out the above story and that I was finishing getting the girls ready and we would come out and she could check it for this jacket (that clearly wasn’t in there). Then a security guard arrived so it was chaotic at this point, it all got repeated and she said she would try and find the women. She came back after a few minutes to say she’d spoken to her and told her she should have been polite and waited for us to exit before going in to check if the coat was in there, but that she had denied raising her voice and said that I had been deliberately goading and obstructive and racist. I got quite upset and said I certainly wasn’t racist or goading and while I did stop her entering the cubicle it was only because the girls were naked and we had just started getting changed. She sort of shrugged and nodded and walked off and I gathered up my things and we left. I feel awful for having lost my temper and shouted at her and for security, which scared the girls more, but I simply lost my rag after repeated attempts to ask her to wait while
we finished changing, and then she was so aggressive. I’ve had to explain to the girls what racist means and how It was nothing to do with race, but I’m mortified my DD and her friend saw me raise my voice and shout at her to move away from the civil cubicle. WWYHD in that situation? My gut tells me I handled it badly but it was all so sudden and intense and I think my fear turned into anger ☹️

Being mugged is a criminal offence? 😂
Starting to think your trolling us Frau

How traumatic, I wouldn't have opened the door either. Why didn't others defend you and tell her to back off and wait?

I think people who use a term such as racist ss a weapon like this woman should be called out. It happens more than it should and there is zero defence.

@ChequerToRed Let's examine the incident as presented.

Two sides to every story.

Funny thing is, I don't have a side other than logic and applying it to the feminist disposition - as I have repeatedly stated.

I've got no dog in this fight. I'm sure the OP is delightful - she certainly seems so.

I would have said loudly are you some sort of peadophile trying to enter a cubicle with 2 undressed children in it?! so I think you handled it better than me. Yes there are racists in the world but not everything is about race and this certainly wasn't. The woman should read the boy who cried wolf if she wants to threaten people by accusing them of being racist when they aren't!

What I'm challenging you to do is to take a step back from this individual situation and to look at principles that we perhaps aspire to - and perhaps not - regarding reporting sexual assault and logically apply them to similar situations.

No this isn't logic, it's unconscious bias. I've been able to sniff it out since I was 10. It's a survival skill for me, and not a mere "academic exercise" for the benefit of us poor downtrodden ethnic minorities like it is for you.

Shouting racist at someone in a changing room after you've just tried to barge in on their cubicle isn't "reporting having experienced RA". Of all the racist incidents I've experienced, and there have been a lot of them, this is so far removed from one that it's laughable.

You are infantilising "us" and not holding "us" responsible for glaringly poor behaviour. Stop doing it, "we're" not some separate section of society that's allowed to behave poorly and have people who don't know their backside from their elbow running round defend "us" as part of some twisted thought experiment.

I'm sorry that my exercise in logic has seemed distasteful to you. I don't immediately see how my thought experiment equates to unconscious bias but I take it on board.

I would invite you to exchange the word 'racist' with 'sexist' in your post and read it to yourself. Not every woman is as robust, resilient and put together as you, and yes, some women need policies, laws, and the criminal justice system to support them when they experience SA.

I put it to you that this is the case with RA too.

I will continue to pursue feminist ideals - and if that logically takes me to the pursuit of social justice, then that is what I shall do.

I can't replace the word 'racist' with 'sexist' in that post because a woman wouldn't be in a male changing room barging in on a cubicle while his children were getting changed.

I've told you that unconscious bias is present in your posts now several times. Why don't you go away and look at why you aren't able to see this incident for what it obviously is.

Who me? 😇

Yeah you

I am not looking at this incident whatsoever. This is an "academic exercise" - I believe you called it.

OP knows what happened with her individual incident and can reflect if necessary or conversely can feel aggrieved as appropriate.

What I am referring to is macro as opposed to micro.

No, it's not macro, because it's not someone reporting racism. If that's not clear for you then why didn't you replace 'racism' with 'sexism' in my post as you suggested so that it's easier for you to understand why you're clearly biased against ethnic minorities. You would not take this as "reporting sexism" would you, so why is it different with ethnic minorities?

Shouting "sexist" at someone in a changing room after you've just tried to barge in on their cubicle while their children are getting changed isn't "reporting having experienced sexism". Of all the sexist incidents I've experienced, and there have been a lot of them, this is so far removed from one that it's laughable.

👼

Did the door banging woman not report her analysis of the interaction to the life guard? If so, I would suggest that that could be accurately expressed as reporting having experienced racism.

That is not to say that OP did in fact do anything untoward as I have no objective view of the incident.

I have to jump into a meeting. Perhaps this is a good time to put down the pistols, shake hands amicably, and perhaps agree to disagree. All the best to you, @FiddlyDiddlyDee

No and thankfully I wasn’t investigated for it either, I was instead taken to the hospital to receive treatment for the punch to the eye I had received!

However, by your logic, I would have been taken to the station and questioned.

Oh so, now you actually want to examine this on a micro level and the details of reporting it to a lifeguard are actually important, how convenient.

You should probably then take into account the fact that it was dismissed pretty swiftly then too, which in the current environment where accusations of racism are taken very seriously, should tell you everything you need to know. In fact I'm quite aware that I have far too much power to get someone into trouble just by dropping that word should I desire.

You were totally in the right. Protecting two semi naked children! I’d have been even angrier than you were!!

I do not need your challenge.

I am able to think critically and rationally and draw from my own experiences.

Your ideology does not work when applied to scenarios such as this one.

I, for instance, have no idea of your race, religion, sexuality, gender etc
but I strongly disagree with you and find your argument weak and ridiculous.

If I did know any of the above and I told you I thought your argument was ‘weak’ and ‘ridiculous’ you could say I only have these opinions because I am racist, sexist, homophobic etc and you should be believed.
Meanwhile, I would be accused and investigated based on your own interpretation and insecurities and not fact!

Sexual assault is based on facts!

It either happened or it didn’t .

You simply cannot compare the two!

Had the lady accused the OP of calling her a racially derogative name, that would be different, however, to claim someone is racist because you ‘feel’ they are challenging your antisocial behaviour and not allowing them to intimidate you due to your race, is LUDICROUS!!!

Not at all disingenuous @fraupaige.....
Do you apply your 'a ha! Two sides to every story' to every mn post?.

This is correct, they are two completely different things and not comparable.

Recently I've had a couple of incidents of crappy behaviour from other people where I've had to STOP MYSELF from reporting them as racism out of anger. It's literally hardly any effort at all.

With power comes massive responsibility that I don't think lots of people are ready for.

Hand there or not I would have slammed it into her bloody fingers and locked it especially if my kids were in there naked !

Had an epidural with my first

With my second I had a water birth and did get to a point where I thought I couldn’t do it and asked for an epidural but my midwives were fantastic and pushed me through the final stage with gas & air.

Third unbeknownst to me I pretty much laboured at home, it was so painful but I didn’t want to go in to early which resulted in her head crowning in the lift up to the delivery ward 😂

I just took those little moments of relief to compose myself and try and mentally prepare for the next wave of pain, then I’d just say ‘no no nooo I can’t do it again.’ Then it would go and I’d start talking myself down again… and again… and again 😂

Commented on the wrong thread, carry on 😂

Ugh what a horrible encounter. I would not have raised my voice and I definitely wouldn't have shouted. I'd have still been firm and assertive. Shouting is aggressive even if you are the 'victim', it's also pointless and can esculate tricky situations.
I also can't stand shouting, I think it's horrible and I don't understand why so many people are so quick to do it. Not that I think the OP was quick to shout!

I am relieved to hear that.

Yes, you are right or indeed investigated by the police on the spot with no further action taken if no merit was found to the accusation - which appears to have happened.

And I hope the aggressors were subject to the justice system for their actions