To have shouted at a stranger at the pool?

[Fullmooncomfort]

I’m still mulling this over so needed some opinions from you wise owls. The fact I’m still thinking about it makes me think I probably did the wrong thing 😖

scenario: busy pool today with Dd8 and her friend, we had just into a family cubicle to change after a nice swim. Changing rooms were busy and in high demand which is normal for weekend family swim time. We’d been in there for a couple of mins (so just at the stage I’m half dressed with dripping wet hair and the girls are wrapped up in towels slowly starting to dry off). The door to the cubicle gets banged on really loudly so I ignored it assuming someone had the wrong cubicle. However when it happened again really loudly I said “it’s occupied, won’t be too long” and the person on the other side started shouting about a jacket and rattling the door. The knocking and rattling of
the door continued and got louder and this girls started to get upset so I opened it a crack to say I think you’ve got the wrong cubicle, and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me saying I’d taken her cubicle and stolen her daughter’s jacket 🤷‍♀️I had to speak loudly as she was literally just ranting and I said I think you have the wrong cubicle, it’s me and 2 girls and we are changing so please step away and you are welcome to come in when we are done but there’s nothing it in apart from our stuff.
She then put her hand on the door and continued to shout about a jacket, saying she needed to come in and check as I had clearly moved her clothes out of it and stolen the cubicle and jacket. I finally lost my temper and shouted back (I know that was wrong but it was awful, the girls were upset and she had her hand on the door so I couldn’t shut and lock it) and she started really yelling at me. I didn’t know what to do so asked loudly if security was around (lots of wide eyed parents standing who did nothing but not a lifeguard in sight as they were poolside and no security as they of course would normally have no reason to patrol a kids changing area)
She then screamed that I was racist and she was calling security on me for theft 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️and walked off, so I went back in to reassure the girls, having locked the door.
Next thing I know a lifeguard of about 17 who looked confused knocked on the door and said a lady had come to complain that her daughter’s expensive jacket had been stolen and I had been racist towards her. I felt really upset (I think just shock) and managed to wobble out the above story and that I was finishing getting the girls ready and we would come out and she could check it for this jacket (that clearly wasn’t in there). Then a security guard arrived so it was chaotic at this point, it all got repeated and she said she would try and find the women. She came back after a few minutes to say she’d spoken to her and told her she should have been polite and waited for us to exit before going in to check if the coat was in there, but that she had denied raising her voice and said that I had been deliberately goading and obstructive and racist. I got quite upset and said I certainly wasn’t racist or goading and while I did stop her entering the cubicle it was only because the girls were naked and we had just started getting changed. She sort of shrugged and nodded and walked off and I gathered up my things and we left. I feel awful for having lost my temper and shouted at her and for security, which scared the girls more, but I simply lost my rag after repeated attempts to ask her to wait while
we finished changing, and then she was so aggressive. I’ve had to explain to the girls what racist means and how It was nothing to do with race, but I’m mortified my DD and her friend saw me raise my voice and shout at her to move away from the civil cubicle. WWYHD in that situation? My gut tells me I handled it badly but it was all so sudden and intense and I think my fear turned into anger ☹️

OP so sorry you went through that.

I think it's good then the girls saw you standard up for them and yourself, also you stood up for the privacy of all of your privacy.

Well done I'd say.

I totally agree with this, that was my first thought too. I don’t like the idea of my child changing in front of adults including parent chaperones when they start school swimming next term either.

So you will take time off work to escort your child to a separate cubicle to change for games / swimming?!! Or will you ban him from taking part at all? Sure he’ll love that! Or you would rather the children were unsupervised? Wow. Think I’ve read it all now - properly mental.

Once she accused you of being racist, I’d have been tempted to ask her (very loudly), why she is so eager to come into a cubicle with naked children. In the hopes of embarrassing her enough, so she would leave.

I am bilingual so sometimes in this sort of scenario I pretend not to speak English just to be petty 😂

I’ve seen loads of changing cubicles in my time 😂it’s the use of the term ‘changing village’ I’d never encountered (and I think I acknowledged in my post that my lack of knowledge in the area was clearly unusual). I’m sorry if my post came across as “picking holes” in the OP story, that absolutely was not my intention 👍

Are you having a laugh of course 8 yo kids are capable of getting changed in a cubicle next to the person looking after them.
How do you think schools do it?

I bet you'd be one of the people jumping up and down if it was an 8yo boy in the ladies at a private gym with open plan changing rooms.

OP has already stated the 8 year old sometimes needs help changing. Also, it's a bit selfish if cubicles are limited to take up more than is necessary.

I've come across people like her, but get why some on here are questioning the way you've put it.

According to your side,

She started shouting about a jacket...
and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me...
and continued to shout...
she started really yelling...
She then screamed...

You on the other hand,
I had to speak loudly...
I finally lost my temper and shouted back...
Asked loudly if security was around...

If this is what happened, why would you feel bad about standing up for yourself and teaching the kids that sometimes you have to.

Did the other people not intervene because of two screaming people?

She was wrong and of course it's easy to say you could have handled better but understandable in the heat of the moment.

Also don't get why you would leave soon after instead of going to reception to clear yourselves (unless if you allowed the staff to come into the cubicle to check).

AIBU can't clear your conscious as people only go on your side of the story.

I felt uncomfortable because I shouted loudly in front of the girls and as the other lady was shouting too it was scary for them. That was my “could I have done better” question in my head. Very pleasantly reassured from people here that no, I tried Being calm and reasonable and in the end had to resort to shouting back and actually that’s a good lesson for 2 young girls to learn for inevitable bullies ahead in their lives.

i don’t know why others didn’t intervene- I’d have loved that - but my guess it they were shocked, like me, and nearly all had dripping wet small kids at their feet and were in their costumes so probably didn’t feel keen to get involved 🤷‍♀️

we left via reception, no need to “clear” myself as the security guard had already come back to talk to me (as mentioned already).

im not looking to clear my conscience, simply wanted to know if I could have done things differently / better is all.

Never mind standing up for yourself to her, I would have asked to speak to a manager and made a complaint against the woman and asked for her to be barred from the premises. She probably wouldn’t have been but I would make it clear to staff that I had been attacked and falsely accused of something extremely offensive and expected the incident to be treated with the appropriate seriousness. Being verbally attacked and accused of racism in front of young children is no minor matter and I would want the children to see me take it extremely seriously.

Bingo! I was wondering how long it would take someone to find a reason to attack the OP. I shudder to think what might have happened if the other child had been in a cubicle on her own.

Exactly- how would that have played out?! Terrified 8 year old shuddering alone in a cubicle while ann angry stranger bashes on the door! Because that’s not at all traumatic!

Look at your ratio op there’s your answer!

You didn't do anything wrong at all. I think you handled it well considering there was an aggressive person trying to enter the changing room where your child & her friend were undressed. I'm not sure I would have been so calm throughout.

She played the race card because she knew she was the lunatic. You absolutely did the right thing protecting the kids. What a vile human !

No need to shudder. Given that it's half term, I would wager that there were numerous youngsters in cubicles around that time. In the absence of media reports to the contrary, it appears that they all emerged unscathed.

You did better than me I’d have gone out there nips and lips everywhere😂
As a parent herself you would think if she reacted that bad over a jacket how would she have reacted if it was the other way round with her daughter undressed. It’s completely unacceptable, you did nothing wrong at all

Taking my baby to swim classes where there were never enough changing rooms. I luckily got one after class, then had young woman knock on the door and tell me it was her changing room, because she'd thrown her locker key in there. I handed it out to her. Turns out she would jump out the pool, run and chuck her key in a changing room, then take her baby for a shower while everyone else stood dripping wet with their babies waiting for a fee changing room 🙄 She thought that was a reasonable thing to do.

What an unpleasant and upsetting experience! You did absolutely nothing wrong.
That woman is more than likely just as unpleasant and nasty to everyone who has the misfortune to cross her path.

You did nothing wrong. A similar thing happened to me. It was at a factory sale and there were tons of women but only three change rooms. One lady left hers and I went in, she had left clothes everywhere! So I pull the curtain closed and she yanks it open yelling I was stealing 'her' changing room and her purse. Seems she had left her purse under a pile of clothes to hold the room. She was yelling so loud I lost it and said she was absolutely nuts to get this worked up over an f word change room and in no way was stealing anything from her. Of course everyone looks at me lol! I was upset at the time but I'm glad I told her off. Sounds like the woman you dealt with has some mental problems. You dealt with it fine! Not to worry

You and two children were in a private cubicle changing. A woman starts banging and shouting demanding to come in.
you tell her reasonably that she needs to wait until you have finished dressing.
her approach was aggressive, confrontational and abusive. The problem was her. She had messed up and lost a jacket, she then was banging on the wrong cubicle door, accusing you of theft and racism. Outrageous - who wouldn’t feel irate when you are half dressed and aggressed . Poor you. This woman was totally unreasonable. So don’t reason with unreasonable people, ignore them.

She was a bloody nutter and should have backed off and waited. Stupid woman.

I think that it's perfectly reasonable to take your childs' friend into a cubicle with you to change, you have a responsibility for their welfare and safety especially in an environment that can and does attract people who have ulterior motives.

There was no reason for her top call you out for being racist. However, I would have told her that you would not speak to her unless there was a Security Guard present. She could have pushed the door shut on her hand, with the other hand, and blamed you. She could have scratched your face... etc etc.

sounds like one of those people who expects to use the same cubicle at the beginning and end of swimming, and just leave their stuff there, and expect nobody else to use that cubicle in between, as if it's their own private changing room, instead of using a locker, like everyone else.
if you left stuff in there for the whole session, instead of in a locker, you can't get all ranty if you think someone stole your unattended stuff. and you can't assume it didn't happen before the person who is using it at the same time as you expected to use your "private changing area" nobody else is allowed to use.