Should I change what my children think about Christmas?

[MrsChristmas1]

Stick with me on this one ....
Since my DC were little, we've always gone along with the story that Father Christmas delivers the presents on Christmas Eve. They would write a list of things they'd hope for, the elves would make the toys and if they were well-behaved, then they'd get (within reason) what they'd written on their list. Basically Father Christmas would get all the credit and it was nothing to do with Mum or Dad.

This was fine when they were younger as they would mainly ask for cheap-ish games, jigsaws and books etc.

However. My DC this year has asked for an expensive gift (not through being spoilt - just unaware of how much this would actually cost and not understanding money). In conversation I told her that it was too expensive and that we'd maybe need to look for a cheaper option. But here's my problem..

1. her reply (again not in a spoilt way but more in a matter of fact) was that she knew it was expensive and something that I couldn't afford, so that's why she's asking Father Christmas for it. The elves will be able to make it and therefore problem solved about the price.
2. her friend also wants the same present, and there's a high-likely hood that she'll get it 'from Father Christmas'

In reality, we could actually afford the expensive gift but I don't want Father Christmas to take the credit! I want her to understand that we've worked hard to earn the money to buy the gift, and she's lucky to be getting it.

So, how do I change our Christmas story so that she still believes in the magic of Christmas, but doesn't think that every gift is from Father Christmas and that we've lied to her for her whole life or do I just suck it up, buy the gift and say how wonderful Father Christmas is for bringing her what she wanted?

What do you tell your children about Christmas? Has the story had to change as they grew older? DC is 8 if that matters.

I'd be surprised if she didn't already suspect Father Christmas doesn't bring her gifts by now. Even if she says she does, she's probably half and half about it. By that age my children knew that not all presents were from Father Christmas, plus when we met with family over the period some people would talk about what they'd bought and our children were expected to thank them for the gifts out of politeness.

Children aren't stupid, they know that people go shopping to buy gifts for other people, so it doesn't seem likely an 8 year old would think all hers are made by elves.

One of the most magical memories I have is of my 5 year old dd opening her most wanted gift which she knew was expensive and exclaiming happily,

"Look mummy, Santa got me one of these, now you don't have to spend all your pennies getting me one."

The joy of seeing her enjoying the gift completely guilt free was better than any gratitude I would have received from her.

My children still believe , my eldest is 10 and probably be her last year believing. We have done everything from Father Christmas. For us as a family that works, it's how I grew up - partner had it where one gift at the end of the end was Father Christmas rest was mum and dad but we have done what we felt was right for us. I think in my mind and certainly when I was older I appreciated that the gifts were actually from my parents and was grateful for what they did. We will continue with the ' Father Christmas all gifts ' until I guess my youngest is old and doesn't believe and then we will openly discuss what WE will get the kids but until then I'm happy to keep up the pretending- but that's what works for us, I wouldn't want to do it differently and I'm sure others on here wouldn't want to do it the way I do it. Don't think there is one specific way I think you just need to do what you feel suits your family best!

While having a contact visit, ex son-in-law decided to tell his son (who had just turned 4) that Santa wasn’t real. And he told him this 3 days before Christmas. 😞

I don’t have my own children, but the way it worked when I was a child was, if it could fit in my (small) hung-up stocking, it was from Father Christmas. If it was under the tree it was from mum and dad.
My stocking usually contained small toys, toiletries, sweets, smellies, stationery. The ‘good stuff’ came from mum and dad.

I never really questioned what other children got. We would talk in school about “what we got for Christmas” but never comparing who got what from who, and in all honesty by January we had probably already forgotten who it had all come from, we were too busy playing with the stuff to care!

We were always told 'Santa brought the gifts but parents sent the money '
But my DD , quite rightly, said, 'I don't want a strange man coming in my bedroom '
So I said that we'd leave the present downstairs and it wasn't real anyway.

My 4 year old grandson stopped believing when his dad told him the truth on a contact visit … three days before Christmas.

Here, Father Christmas put the tat in the stockings. Still does and they’re doing their A levels!

We've always done stocking from father Christmas and then presents from us and wider family and friends.

In my house my DD9 gets 1 gift from Santa that she asks him for when she sees him, but everything else is from me and he just delivers it. I have to pay his bill so she knows I’m covering the cost of Christmas. It was the same when I was a little girl so we’ve kept the same thing running. She has never questioned it, and she gets told her budget, makes a list and sends it to Santa. I also sometimes buy little things and send them to him so he can look after them and return altogether on Christmas Eve. So far so good

I agree - pretty obvious ti me as a kid - Santa couldn't possibly deliver a billion presents in one night - and some kids got everything, abs some got a lot less.

We do (like was done with us) stockings from Father Christmas and everything else from the giver. Especially given the 'naughty or nice' narrative around FC, it's clearly not fair that he would bring some kids more than others.

Also, are you sure your 8yo doesn't know? Mine definitely does...

I still do the odd gift from Father Christmas but it's just a joke now (late teens/20s). Father Christmas never gets me anything though!

We did this too. We don’t actually do Santa anymore as dc1 was old enough to know the truth and dc 2&3 are too little to care so it felt like a good time to stop so now they are all from us

Because the children whose parents can’t or don’t make Christmas special end up believing they are not good kids.

In reality, we could actually afford the expensive gift but I don't want Father Christmas to take the credit! I want her to understand that we've worked hard to earn the money to buy the gift, and she's lucky to be getting it.

Is this really so important to you? If she's little enough to believe in FC then she's probably too little to be taught this lesson right now - or you can teach it to her in another way, or get her the gift for her birthday. When she no longer believes, she'll realise you got it for her anyway. And surely the focus is not how wonderful FC is but how well she's behaved (if she has)?

Yes you need to change it. In our family FC was a kind of magic posty that brought the stuff people had bought and sent to him to deliver (never sure why the inefficiency of this was never questioned, but still!) In addition, FC would bring a stocking/sack of small things from him. I don't recall elves having a role other than the vague job title of 'helpers'. If I were you I'd explain that FC and the elves can only make smaller presents for free, and parents have to pay for the big expensive things.

I’ve known year 6 teachers have to comfort 10-year old children because their parents didn’t tell them Father Christmas doesn’t exist until they panicked about how bloody stupid their children would sound if they talked about Father Christmas at secondary school. There is something a bit nauseating about a Father Christmas who gives children expensive, obviously commercially made presents, anyway - I fail to see the cuteness or magic in that. However good you are, why on earth would Santa give you an expensive present, but potentially nothing to a “naughty” child or a child whose family have less money than yours? So, don’t continue the fantasy that Father Christmas gives all the presents - there isn’t always an easy end to that idiotic fantasy. Find a way to start limiting Santa’s role now, instead of burying your head in the sand.

How old is your child now? It sounds like they have suspicions that Father Christmas is not real and are now calling your bluff.

I would tell her that as Santa has so many more children to make toys for now, he will only be bringing down stocking fillers but that you can get her the larger present she wants instead.

I always think it's strange when 10 year olds haven't worked out that FC is made up.

I don't know how you're going to sort this unless you essentially come clean with her, OP.

This is why we always told our children that Father Christmas/Santa did the stockings only. Presents were from family and friends.

I also believe it was easier to explain why some children get 'so much' at Christmas and others 'so little' , ie some families have lots of money and some don't, as opposed to it looking like santa plays favourites with children who already have a lot.

@coffeesaveslives because for us, parents buying any of the gifts changes the whole experience into an occasion where budget, logistics and reality alter general expectations. Surely that is intrinsically less magical?
Growing up, I don't really remember any friends having gifts from anyone other than FC, everything from him seemed by far the norm and I didn't even consider doing it differently myself.
I can obviously understand why some families need/want to have control over these things.

Same here, and how it was when I was wee. No way does Santa bring the big ticket items or get all the credit!

My DC are older now, but still get a stocking and a token present from 'Santa' 😄

I don't get the 'getting the credit' thing. Parents don't get credit from their kids for 90 per cent of everything they do for them. No kid has ever said 'wow mum thanks for giving up work/losing your figure/making personal sacrifices to buy me food' etc. That's parenting. If you do a good job you'll have a good relationship with your adult child later on and they will look back and realise all you sacrificed. Young kids have no idea how much things cost so you cant expect them to be grateful for money spent.

The days of truly believing in Santa are fairly short so make the most of the magic. My kids wrote to Santa asking for the main things they wanted, it would have been weird if he then brought them a stocking of little bits and mum and dad bought them what they'd asked for! That's not magic. The magic is you ask Santa and he will bring at least one thing you ask for. (They never expected every single thing).