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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

219 replies

SassyDeer · 27/10/2024 01:22

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 27/10/2024 01:24

You genuinely don't understand why people avoid telling their friends what they don't like about them/having difficult conversations?

Are you British?

OriginalUsername2 · 27/10/2024 01:24

I could tell my ex friend all the personality traits that did it for me - but who the fuck am I to tell her how to be? Other people like her just fine.

Paperdolly · 27/10/2024 01:27

I ghosted a friend for a long time because I was exhausted from her constant dramas. We’ve just got back in a friendship but I don’t respond to her every call like I used to. I did tell her I thad needed space as I thought our friendship had become one sided and she excepted it.

Twixfixing · 27/10/2024 01:27

A colleague ghosted a friend but this was before either of us knew the term. They had a fairly toxic relationship from the sounds of it & colleague didn’t like how she behaved in the dynamic. She said she had over the years talked to her friend about the issues but friend never really took anything on board. She thought it was easier to just slowly phase her out.

Twixfixing · 27/10/2024 01:28

I also think sometimes it’s about the person as opposed to anything you’ve done. One of my friends suffers from depression & often doesn’t want to meet up etc but I just let her be. We always catch up with each other at some point.

ConsistantlyForget33 · 27/10/2024 01:34

I've just posted this on a similar thread

A few years ago I was very good friends with a woman who had 3 children similar ages to my 2 DC. She was still in a relationship with their father but he wasnt great with the kids and her family didnt help either
I dont even know how it even happened but I ended up taking her kids to school ( they lived literally a few doors down from school ) and ended up looking after her 2 year old 3 times a week. I was/am a single mum with no family help and no involvement from their dad
She was constantly saying how hard it was with 3 kids ect & how much she was struggling... whilst I was looking after her youngest 3 times a week plus picking her kids up from school taking them ect having them at my house
She gets pregnant again? And was expecting me to help her with the new baby? She only told me she was pregnant when she was 4/5 months, pretended it was a surprise and she had no idea....she was a size 6 and had a very obvious bump when she showed me ( never noticed before as she was always in her dressing gown )
I realised how much she was actually taking the piss out of me and just stopped speaking to her. She messaged a few times saying she didnt know what she had done, I ignored the messages. I see her regularly on the wchool run and I just ignore her. What a cheeky bitch she actually was

I ghosted her because she knew exactly what she was doing, she didnt need me to explain I was annoyed that she was taking the piss out of me and using me for free childcare,

rosemole · 27/10/2024 01:41

They don't want the confrontation
They don't want to cause upset
They're tired and don't have any energy left for it
They find it kinder to just walk away
They don't know how to be direct
Being brutally honest can be extremely hard
They lack the skills to be honest without causing anger and hurt

AlwaysYoshi · 27/10/2024 01:43

I get that ghosting isn’t “nice”… but I also don’t think it’s any nicer to go through a ‘10 things I hate about you’ list of why I don’t want to be friends anymore.
If I am going to have a sit down with a friend to discuss an issue, it means I want to salvage the relationship.

Mirren22 · 27/10/2024 01:52

Actually @NuffSaidSam the OP is genuinely curious which is different to genuinely not being able to understand. Please read the post properly before pouncing on like a squirrel to a walnut.

NuffSaidSam · 27/10/2024 01:02

Mirren22 · 27/10/2024 01:52

Actually @NuffSaidSam the OP is genuinely curious which is different to genuinely not being able to understand. Please read the post properly before pouncing on like a squirrel to a walnut.

If she understood, she wouldn't be curious because she'd already know....it's not a difficult one to work out.

Original poster
SassyDeer · 27/10/2024 01:09

NuffSaidSam · 27/10/2024 01:02

If she understood, she wouldn't be curious because she'd already know....it's not a difficult one to work out.

Show quote history

Curiosity doesn’t mean lack of understanding - sometimes it’s just about wanting to hear different perspectives. It’s interesting to see the various reasons people have for handling things the way they do.

OP posts:
Namaqua · 27/10/2024 01:15

I did a slow fade with a previously good friend, and didn't give a reason for ending the friendship. I suppose that could be considered ghosting.
But to give her a reason, I would have had to tell her some strong home truths about how her personality had seemingly changed for the worst over the years and that she had become selfish and boring. It would have only caused extra hurt to her to say any of this so what would be the point.
I just chose to exit the friendship.

BobbyDazzler11 · 27/10/2024 01:18

I had a friend who was quite cruel to me during pregnancy, slagging me off behind my back and dropping me suddenly.

When she reappeared , I ignored.
To be honest, I just couldn't be bothered to get into a back and forth and wanted the easy, stress free option.

I think a lot of people know the friend won't take it well if they were honest.

SantaPellegrina · 27/10/2024 01:20

In my case when I ended up ghosting someone it had been the death of a long friendship by a thousand little cuts, none of them I thought were terminal, but one day there was just one too many and that was it, I was done. I didn't feel I owed an explanation as I'd already wasted too much of my time being a good friend to them. And like @ConsistantlyForget33 I thought they absolutely knew why.

I was ghosted once and didn't need an explanation as it was pretty obvious that an ahem unfortunate change in my circumstances no longer made me a desirable 'friend'. Dropped like a very hot potato, I was. But, overtures were made years later when they, in turn were going through a difficult time; funnily enough I was not interested.

Edingril · 27/10/2024 01:35

Well to me 'ghosting' is taking an active decision to do something deliberately

Years ago we just lost touch with people nowadays there has to be a label for everything

Lincoln24 · 27/10/2024 01:39

In my case it's because we share a lot of mutual friends and I knew it would massively blow up into a huge drama with people maybe feeling they need to take sides. It was easier just to stop talking.

tobee · 27/10/2024 01:40

In some ways I'm more surprised people say they've never ghosted anyone.

I do think it's a wide ranging thing. For example, I knew someone fairly well and they then moved away and whenever I saw them (reasonably infrequently) they would get drunk and " tell me what they thought of me." Even though they'd been very kind to me sometimes, after a while of them sporadically getting in contact, I stopped replying. Because I really didn't enjoy them when they were drunk and didn't feel I deserved the abuse.

Another really long term close friend, invited me to stay a couple of nights. While they were on the surface a great host, lovely food and drink. But they basically told me they'd been seeing a few friends and was deciding to keep them as friends or not. She was then really aggressively unpleasant about 2 things and had a few other weird self aggrandising conversations and I thought "hang on, she's testing me. And I'm one of the friends that's she's thinking of cutting loose" So I made it easy for her, made an excuse to leave early. Wrote a thank you note for her hospitality and didn't contact her again. This friend break up really upset me for months. Years later she emailed me and apologised for her behaviour that weekend in the most fulsome way possible. I appreciated it but it ruined my memories of our 25 year friendship.

Writing this is therapeutic though

I don't know, are these examples of ghosting people?

motherofbabydragon · 27/10/2024 01:40

for me personally it was her violent partner. i kept telling her that she could do better, that he was a red flag over and over but she would not listen and just always go back to him. in one of their frequent breakups she confessed he told her that he once pushed a pregnant woman down some stairs causing her to miscarry. when i found myself pregnant i found myself in a situation where frankly i had to put the safety of myself and my baby first over a friend that oddly also seem to only text if she needed me to babysit so i stopped texting her to check in on her and was not at all surprised the contact fizzled out once i stopped being of use

autienotnaughty · 27/10/2024 02:21

I would say it's rare that people ghost a person who they are close to and treats them well. It's usually either that they weren't that close so not worth a conversation or the person treats them poorly and they are avoiding a confrontation

wiesowarum · 27/10/2024 04:36

I don't ghost as such, but I do cut some people completely off after a certain number failed attempts to discuss why the relationship (platonic or romantic) isn't working for me.

wellnesswanda · 27/10/2024 04:43

SantaPellegrina · 27/10/2024 01:20

In my case when I ended up ghosting someone it had been the death of a long friendship by a thousand little cuts, none of them I thought were terminal, but one day there was just one too many and that was it, I was done. I didn't feel I owed an explanation as I'd already wasted too much of my time being a good friend to them. And like @ConsistantlyForget33 I thought they absolutely knew why.

I was ghosted once and didn't need an explanation as it was pretty obvious that an ahem unfortunate change in my circumstances no longer made me a desirable 'friend'. Dropped like a very hot potato, I was. But, overtures were made years later when they, in turn were going through a difficult time; funnily enough I was not interested.

Yes - This. After 'death by a thousand cuts'. In the end, I had been pushed into a position of not caring about her feelings/what she thought of me/her utter disrespect and lack of courtesy. I made the decision after one last time of me politely asking her a question and her response being totally directed at another friend sat next to me - eye gaze and body language completely rendering me invisible and making me feel worthless. She was hugely passive aggressive too. So I stopped meeting with her in the end.

Toomanysquishmallows · 27/10/2024 04:45

I ghosted a friend years ago, I’m not particularly proud of it . At the time I was a totally lone parent to my dd ,this friend had constant relationship drama with her partner. She also wanted to meet pretty much daily , I didn’t have the headspace for this . When our children started at different primary schools I ghosted her . As I say I’m not proud of it .

wiesowarum · 27/10/2024 04:50

Toomanysquishmallows · 27/10/2024 04:45

I ghosted a friend years ago, I’m not particularly proud of it . At the time I was a totally lone parent to my dd ,this friend had constant relationship drama with her partner. She also wanted to meet pretty much daily , I didn’t have the headspace for this . When our children started at different primary schools I ghosted her . As I say I’m not proud of it .

It also sounds like you did what you had to in order to protect yourself. The friend isn't innocent in this - people who are ghosted often do things which results in them being ghosted (not respecting boundaries, not listening, not supporting etc).

Entertherubicon · 27/10/2024 04:51

I have s friend who ghosted me as I don't fit in with her shiney new work friends and lifestyle. She was constantly cancelling plans very late notice with flimsy excuses.

The one that did it for me was when she cancelled saying she needed to spend time with her mum who had cancer. Then 4 hours later posted pictures of a heavy night out with her work friends. Her mum had suspected cancer which thankfully didn't affect her.

I never heard from her again, she's still in fb but that's all the contact I have with her now. There's weekly photos of nights out with friends but nothing about her mum or family.

Flatandhappy · 27/10/2024 04:53

I ghosted someone who I thought of as my closest friend as I was so upset and angry I just never wanted to see her face again. I supported her in many ways for years, asked for her support twice - once I ran out of petrol on my way to the airport and she wouldn’t get out of bed at 11am to help even though she lived five minutes away because she “hadn’t slept well” that night. Second time my dad died on the other side of the world and I wasn’t able to get back for his funeral. I just wanted some company for a couple of hours, she said she would meet me then let me drive 45 minutes to meet somewhere convenient to her and stood me up, actually left me standing outside a shopping centre where we had agreed to meet, When I finally got through to her an hour later on the phone she said she thought we had agreed to meet two days later at mine (which was a regular arrangement when I would usually cook her lunch). There was no way I had got it wrong - the arrangement was out of the normal. I never spoke to her again, she kept putting shit on FB about “being let down by a friend”. Yes - damn right except it wasn’t you. I blocked her on everything. It was quite sad as I was very fond of her kids and they had spent a lot of time with mine but once I realised how used I had been I just couldn’t get past it. I knew she would never have accepted that she had done anything wrong.