To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

[SassyDeer]

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

@wiesowarum , thank you , I appreciate that perspective.

Because she wouldn't accept it and I don't need the aggro.

@Flatandhappy that's awful, I'm sorry.

The problem with asking this question is that you wont get any real answers from people who have ghosted truly good friends.

You can see from this thread that people have ghosted 'friends" who exhibit shitty behaviours for a long time which is completely understandable and right to do so.

However, there are plenty of people who ghost friends who have been nothing but decent to them and that is always about them and their issues. Noone is going to admit that they ghosted someone who was great and now regret it because it reflects badly on them and that does happen. Not everyone who is ghosted is a horrible bitch, sometimes people just take their friends for granted and assume they'll always be there to pick up the pieces even if they cant be arsed to put in the work to reciprocate.

I've been ghosted twice and both times I felt like it was out of a kind of envy from the other person. The type of situation where you make friends with someone when you're going through a rough time, drinking too much, gaining weight. And then I got my life in order and hit the gym and the friend who still drank too much and prefered to stay stuck in a rut couldn't handle that I wasn't in that rut with them anymore. Like, I was happy to go to the pub with them for a few drinks but the minute I mentionned that I'd decided to run a 10k race or any other stuff like that, the friends in question seemed threatened by it and ended up ghosting me. It upset me because I'd enjoyed their company and I felt like I wad being punished for trying to be positive and constructive and get my life in order.

I've done slow-fades on a couple of friendships myself because I discovered the people I was spending time with were exhausting, toxic and self-centered and a slow-fade seemed nicer than a "10 things I hate about you" list. But maybe honesty is better. I was honest once ages ago with an ex friend and told her I just couldnt handle hearing about her cheating boyfriend all day long anymore and that she should dump him. That friendship ended.

I normally slow fade. Much kinder.
I’m ruthless about the friends I keep and will slow fade self centred people or just people I find slightly annoying.
Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t connect with.

I tried to tell a friend a number of times that I needed space and she wasn’t getting it, so I ghosted her. I still feel bad about it as it was very unlike me. I work in HR and she would want to speak on the phone all the time about things going on at work for advice, I was happy to help but she would expect me to drop everything there and then. It became too much especially during the pandemic when I wanted and needed down time from constantly being on my phone. She also cancelled plans at the last minute a lot, including twice when I was already waiting for her (and one time she left me there for 30 minutes before letting me know).
I tried to do it gently but she just wasn’t getting it.

I would probably be accused of ghosting friends (yep, plural), of you asked those ex friends. Truth is I didn't intentionally ghost them, I'd have remained friends, I just couldn't keep up anymore. They weren't terrible people, nor did they do anything wrong to me, but I find some people are just so incredibly needy.

I don't want to text, message, keep on almost constant communication. I don't really want to meet up for coffee or go for a walk weekly or randomly, life is happening and it's busy and exhausting - maybe that's my health conditions, maybe it's just me, but I just don't want to. And people don't take no well, and I'm tired of having to think of excuses to spare feelings.

Meeting up when its been a while is actually fine, happy to do that once in a while, and happy to be there if someone really and truly needed me mostly, but the bloody texting and messaging about nothing. Why do people get so obsessed with texting and messaging. I don't want to be sat there with my device vibrating demanding responses every single day or multiple times a week - I find it rude and infuriating to be honest.

So I stopped replying to every text and message. It was draining. They weren't bad people, I know they weren't doing anything wrong to me. I just found myself wishing they would find something else to bloody do. Why do they have so much time and boredom that texting and messaging is something they demand so frequently? Eventually, they gave up entirely as i barely responded (and when i did, I know my replies were lackluster - composing replies takes me a lot of brainpower and is overwhelming), and I feel no urge to reach out to invite it again. And I don't regret it at all. I can't cope with bloody texting and the demand for it.

I still have friends, ones more like myself that don't need to be in constant contact and dont get worked up over unanswered texts or FB messages. We speak every few months or when someone TRULY needs support, and can pick up where we left off, when we do get time and energy to have a chat. With some of them it's only around Christmas and birthdays we catch up, but then we're straight back to being like old friends again for a day or week.

My GP has referred me for autism assessment though, I dunno if that could play a part in me not liking that demand for communication.

I don't like that feelings may have been hurt and some of them were really good people... but yeah, don't regret it. Life is a lot more peaceful without the badgering.

I've ghosted two people - one friend one family- who often used big sulks and temporary blocks as a controlling move when they were unhappy about something.

I eventually had enough so the next time they got over themselves and tried to make contact with me, they weren't able to do so.

I had one friend who was really selfish about a mutual friend's death. At first I just put it down to grief but it made me open my eyes to her behaviour and that she had always been selfish. She made everything about her - always. The final straw was hearing her bitch about me while she knew I was there. It was such a relief when I stopped seeing her. My mental health improved so much!

In my experience if I had done this to the toxic friend, the friend would have played the victim. I believe she will know what she has done deep down, if she can admit it.

I had a friend who was way too much, expected instant attention and would turn up at my house. She was single and seemed to think any man was fair game, including other friends of mines partners and husbands and try it on. I didn’t ghost as I think I’d find that hard but I emailed her explaining how upset I was by her behaviour and I needed space. And I never heard from her again. Which wasn’t what I was expecting but over time I was so relieved. I didn’t even ever bump into her.

I’ve just been ghosted by one of my oldest friends. Suddenly noticed she’d unfriended me on FB. I sent her a message and she hasn’t even read it. I have no idea what I’ve done. I tried to re-add her to FB in case it was some sort of glitch and she’s now changed her settings so I can’t try again. I think it’s cruel to treat people like this

I think anyone who ghosts has their own valid reasons even if those reasons don't seem valid or are not even clear to the person being ghosted. Some peoole don't realise how irritating and/or draining they are to be around. They might not even be irritating/draining all the time, or even at all to other people, but they are to the person who ghosts them. The person doing the ghosting may also have tried to discuss the issue, to enforce boundaries or simply wants to move on with their life.

You might never know the reason(s) but she clearly has one/them, and you have to respect that, much as it might hurt. Ghosting isn't necessarily easy for the one doing the ghosting either.

Some people also ghost because they arent willing to reciprocate support despite them having had lots of it. My friend lost a child and was shocked by how many people ghosted her.

Not everyone who ghosts is a decent kind person....

@barbiegirl881 said:
'I tried to do it gently but she just wasn’t getting it.'

I think your words are actually the reality in quite a few cases where people feel they've been 'suddenly' ghosted - in reality the person who ghosts has tried to deal with the issue(s) but the ghosted person has been unwilling/not receptive to attempts to sort the issue out or the ghoster hasn't approached it in quite the right way.

There will decent people and not so decent people on both sides of ghosting situations.

I’ve ghosted a former friend because her mid-life crisis caused her entire persona to change, and she became, frankly, too tiresome to engage with.
I don’t believe the same things as she does now (she has a very opinionated view of all things climate-related, and openly criticises me for not using public transport, for example, even though I can’t use it to get to work, and that’s just one thing!) so there’s no reason for me to invest in a relationship that is just a one-sided bitch-fest about how I don’t care for the planet!
BTW, I do my bit for climate change, and compensate for car use, which has reduced significantly since WFH much of the time, by being carbon-efficient in other ways, so it’s not that I don’t care about it - I just don’t like being constantly judged…

Who in god’s name has ever had a conversation with someone to tell them they wanted to end the friendship? That’s nigh on impossible. The very character traits that have caused the problem are probably the reason it would be impossible to do that, eg selfish/narcissistic behaviour. I have ghosted a few friends over the years, usually because they have been excessively needy or have been using me in some way. A conversation would have been excruciating and would have made no difference to those behaviours. Sometimes you just need to move on.

When stories of useful and constructive"exit interviews" to difficult friendships become more commonplace maybe more people will consider this option. I reckon you rarely hear about them because they rarely work.

I let things fizzle with a friend because she always against something that was very dear to me, and used to mock it (Christianity). She would speak in a derogatory manner about ppl we knew who had faith. She knew I had faith so I don't know why she did things. I didn't explain my distancing as I feared she would mock me to her circle (who I knew from school).

I don't think I'm ghosting, but I am trying to stop being friends with someone. I'm just busy all the time to meet up. She keeps bragging all the time and I don't have the patience to sit and listen to it all the time. She's done some questionable things too in the past few years and so I'd like to stop being friends. I just don't want to be nasty to her, I just don't want to be friends with her anymore.

Surely this is the main reason; none of us would like to hear there is something wrong with our personality.
It’s like telling a person they are fat because they eat too much; not sure they would thank you for that and you would become the rude/bad person.

I can no longer pretend that I have any faith these days, but I'd not mock a friend who still had theirs. I would find it hard to support any conversation regarding faith based decision making etc though, so we'd definitely need other things in common to be friends.

Domestic abuse is complicated. You were under no obligation to continue the friendship, but it's not as simple as "just leave". One of the most risky times for someone in abusive relationship is when they end it