To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

[SassyDeer]

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

It's so incredibly and unnecessarily cruel to keep harassing someone who wants you to leave them in peace, and every single person who has posted here to moan about being ghosted is posting proof of why you were.

You absolutely lack any empathy, compassion or self awareness. Only an overbearing bully would ever dream of arguing that someone doesn't have the right to avoid them.

You won't accept the explanation here and you definitely wouldn't have accepted it in real life, and are so argumentative and entitled. The people who ghosted you understood that and did the right thing.

It's been a bit gross reading some horrible comments from coercive gaslighting bullies trying to guilt people into feeling bad about escaping people like themselves.

Anyway, you've really set it in stone for me - people who moan about being ghosted are nearly all shocking, overbearing, bullies and deserve to be ghosted.

And I won't let you harass me or push past my boundaries either. So I won't read any more of the upsetting comments by women who refuse to take no for an answer :)

But before I go I really wanted to say that I'm genuinely SO happy that you can't force and push your way into other people's lives and that it drives you up the wall.

Good :)

I ghosted two friends. One was a profoundly manipulative woman who thought only and always of her own needs - lurching from drama to drama with me as her sidekick dropping everything at 3am to pay for expensive taxi fares across London to try and get her admitted to hospitals that sent her home, losing jobs because she always threatened suicide during the day of my first week in a new job. My life was absolutely dictated by her until I met DH and realised I wanted to be with him and spend less time with her. After a few more really nasty, bullying, punishing dramas I just walked away. It would have been exhausting explaining why. It would have turned into 24 hour therapy sessions all about her. I'd been drained enough. Her previous 'best friend' had suddenly emigrated to Japan. I realised why. She picked friends who had been raised to be people pleasers to bullying and neurotic parents.

The second friend I ghosted let slip accidentally that she had been bitching about my DS with her family and friends. I was immensely hurt - too hurt to even begin to speak about it so I just eased off the friendship. She is quite a tenacious person and she kept trying to rekindle the friendship. Through her I learned the art of forgiving friends. You can't be furious at people for not being perfect. We are nowhere near as close as we once were and if I never saw her again I wouldn't mind, but I do like her company and we see each other once or twice a month. I like her. She has lots of good qualities. But I needed to ghost her for a while and just couldn't say why. That was too difficult a conversation and I'm not sure it would have changed anything.

Because you realise that it's not an equal relationship and you are being taken for granted and used. No one is entitled to your friendship.

I have ghosted people and have probably been ghosted, but I take friendships fairly lightly, so it doesn't bother me much if people disappear from my life. For me, it is part of the natural ebb and flow of friendships. The people I have ghosted, firstly it hasn't been a conscious decision one day to do it. I just haven't contacted them and the weeks have gone by and suddenly it is a really long time since we last spoke. Generally these have been friendships where I have made most of the effort for contact. Why I haven't contacted these people is just that I don't enjoy their company, I find them dull and boring, or similar. I think it is very hard to say that kind of thing to someone's face, I don't think I could do it. They haven't done anything awful, but I have limited time for friends and they don't make the cut for me. Impossible to say without sounding like the world's biggest arsehole.

I reckon another reason why people ghost over having the conversation is that by the time you have got to that point, you are done. You don't want to discuss the situation, you don't want the friend to try to change to make it work. You just want them gone for good.

I reckon another reason why people ghost over having the conversation is that by the time you have got to that point, you are done. You don't want to discuss the situation, you don't want the friend to try to change to make it work. You just want them gone for good

This was true in my case. I had done all of the “trying to make it right” work prior to ghosting them and it was useless. By that point I had just had enough of trying and wanted no more contact from that person ever again.

There comes a point where it’s just too late to fix it.

Ive been ghosted and also ghosted other people. Im not perfect, no one is either. What has happened though as a result of ghosting is, i now have next to no friends and it’s not easy making friends.

Studies show that friendship and a sense of community is essential for mental health and even wards off against dementia. Friendship is important, but there seems to be a kind of normality to disposable friendships.

Additionally, like others have said, there seems to be a lack of resilience/complete inability to accept criticism. A very close friend started to ghost me when my face no longer fit, and i couldn't understand why, other friends advised me to say something, i did, it went terribly wrong. In fact on and off over the years, i tried to keep in contact, it was only last year i actually realised this women had no respect for our friendship and i was very much a person she would spend time with if all her other friends were busy. So this time i ghosted her and guess what, she hasn’t even noticed.

Looking back now, almost 13 years later, this ‘friend’ just probably no longer liked me and found other people who fit her better. Good for her. Terrible for me, i didn’t realise that people could be like that. I ghost people now when i start feeling the vibe that they no longer have time for the friendship or like my previous close friend, have me around to make themselves feel better. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen so much anymore, there’s no one left to ghost me or I them!

I agree that there is often no point in sitting the person down and explaining why you don't want to be their friend any more. They won't take it well, will they. And in the case of my friend who was flakey and disorganised, telling her that wouldn't change a thing. She revelled in the "what am I like hahahaha I let my phone run out of charge AGAIN!" character.

And by the time you get to the stage of wanting to ghost someone, you're done with the friendship. You don't want to be their friend any more so why would you devote a second more effort to dealing with them?

I ghosted someone who in 6 months we had one conversation which was him pestering me to go somewhere whilst ignoring the fact I couldn't physically get there.

He demanded to know why I unfriended him and was apparently "perplexed" at what he'd done.

This is how I feel towards my teenage daughter's ex best friend. One minute writing lovely, gushing things in my daughter's 13th birthday card ( been best friends since 5) then excluding her from meet ups, posting shit on social media about ' when the bond you thought you would always have is no longer there' ' when you've found your 2 best friends ' and not replying to my daughter's messages/ attempts to have a conversation. It was heartbreaking and painful to watch. She could have said these things directly to her.

Exactly, it is cruel. A lot of examples on this thread I personally wouldn't class as ghosting as much as either mutually reducing contact, not investing any more time in casual friendships or people that aren't really close friends, or because there's a clear pattern such as someone being super flakey which they'll be well aware that's a part of it.

But a close friend you've known for years, nothing out of the ordinary has happened, just one day they decide to never speak to you again is horrible; and I don't mean a casual decline in friendship or growing apart, but literally being as close as you always were one day and then blocked the next is cowardly when you've been friends for so long and they don't even have the decency to say we've grown apart, I don't feel like this can continue etc. Ghosting invariably suggests they don't think you're even worth it at or is purposefully malicious. Again, I don't mean in casual friendships or where there's been a clear decline or recurrent issues, but being blindsided with nothing at all.

Hope she's okay now, it can take quite a hit to your self esteem and everything else, especially with the mixed in social media nastiness. In time of course you realise someone who after all of those years can't be bothered isn't worth your friendship anyway.

A very honest post

I have been ghosted and although it was hard at the time, I knew they didn't want contact so moved on.

I tried a slow fade with a friend over the past few years as I didn't want friendship anymore as she constantly used me to cover up her affair and asked me to lie for her (I said I would never lie for her and she needs to get a spine and end marriage). She didn't really get the hint though.

In the end I had to send a breakup text. She didn't like it but had to honest in the end. Glad to be away from the drama and also feel being honest was the best way for me.

I think this just shows that you know you're own worth, and you have reasonable expectations.

Anecdotal summation here but I find that people with a lot of friends are often (not always, obviously!) quite mean people, selfish to a point. So I think there can be a similar vibe in friendships to relationships with a 'treat them mean, keep them keen' dynamic; some will feel almost honoured that a very self assured person would deign to be their friend, and they're happy to take the scraps they're thrown.

I did this with a friend, I didn’t have the headspace to be honest at the time to speak to her about it and I’m not into making someone feel shit. She always fell out with friends so I just thought one more won’t make a difference. I saw her a few years later at a concert and she literally acted like nothing had happened but I could still see the traits I hated previously.

Because it’s rude to say what you honestly think. I have ghosted a school Mum who was never a friend but I couldn’t fucking stand her. I’ve just ignored the last few messages.

I can’t say ‘oh Fuck off Jenny, your an absolute snob, you only want to be friends to create a network of people to have your 11 year old son, who is also one life’s complete twats.

There’s a friend who I have had for ages. I haven’t ghosted her but I easily could. The reason being we have nothing in common, she’s a bit of a slag, a crap Mum, lies, talks crap. But I can’t say that can I?

@sonjadog your 9.57 post makes a lot of sense for me especially about the ebb and flow if friendship ... I've beaten myself up for a long time about what I did (my chronic people pleaser tendencies perhaps) and I wonder whether eventually we would have drifted anyway

I did notice and I did ask, and there was denial that anything had changed (the actual response would be outing). I didn’t push it further as it was clear what she was doing. It was over a short space of time - a few months - and no less hurtful than a sudden ghosting, when you consider that we were close friends for 8 or so years. As introvert I’d actually felt a bit suffocated at times, so it was from one extreme to another.

I ghosted a friend years ago and for me it wasn't because of any actual dreadful behaviour, it was that she had become incredibly draining, making a series of unwise decisions, but being very woeful when they obviously didn't work out, expecting me to be on the phone for hours and hours whilst she went on and on about how tough life was, but never needing a response or listening to anything from me... sometimes I could walk away from the phone and make a snack and come back and she hadn't noticed I wasn't there. I had a young baby at the time, and this friendship had become a thing that only drained my 'cup'...of emotional energy or whatever, never added to it.

So the reason I ghosted instead of saying 'you make terrible decisions, that's why your life is a mess, and you've become a whiny, needy, tedious and socially selfish and unaware bore' was for three reasons:

• saying the above would be rude and hurtful
• I knew she wasn't capable of changing her behaviour, I believe she truly thought that this was what friends were for
• I had reached my limit, I had nothing more to give, at all, and to have a lengthy dramatic conversation about it would require me to give her yet more, and to give what I didn't have.

That was why, I'd reached my limit, the tank was empty, and the conversation was beyond what I could give her or the friendship.

I ghosted a ‘friend‘ because I don’t do confrontation. And although she hurt my feelings, I didn’t want to confront her and hurt hers. I’m disabled and she would make sly comments about how I’m not ‘trying enough’ when I would be struggling. She would always make me feel awful about myself and it was exhausting coping with it. It was easier to ghost her and forget about her and the ‘situation’ than to confront her and enable her that space to make herself out to be a victim and me to be the problem.

Have to say the part about a friend not being able to change really resonates. If they lack the self awareness or ability to change, there really is no point continuing.

Ghosting is hurtful and cruel. It says to the other person, "you don't matter. The years of friendship we've shared don't matter. You are nothing to me." It may even feel like saying, "I never liked you, we were never really friends." It breaks trust and makes you question everything. So as well as being so hurtful, the person who's been ghosted has their memories of the friendship destroyed, too. Not to mention if there are mutual friends or groups involved, the one who's been ghosted is left feeling awkward and uncomfortable about what may have been said and whether she is still welcome in shared spaces.

I get that people dislike confrontation and that it's unkind and pointless to list all of someone's faults to them, especially if you believe they can't or won't change. But if you have actually been good friends at some point, and they haven't done something abusive to you, then I do think it's unfair to drop them without a word.

Just say (text, even! email! probably better not to be an in-person convo), "The friendship isn't working for me anymore. I don't want to keep being in touch. It's nothing you've done - I just feel we're too different now. [Or, if you're going to be honest: I can't get past this thing/situation/change.] Of course I'll be civil and friendly when we see each other at book club/sports club. Take care."

How hard is that? If I got that text, I would respond, "thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'm really sorry if I've done something to hurt you, and if you change your mind and want to talk about it, let me know. Otherwise, I'll wish you well, and see you around." And I wouldn't try to get in touch again.

Of course it would hurt and make me really sad. But at least I'm being given the dignity of knowing what's going on. At least I'm being shown that I matter to that person, and that our friendship meant something. And I'll know how to conduct myself if I bump into her and that there's no drama with mutual friends.

Who knows how they’d react? None of us are mind-readers. You’re not responsible for that person’s feelings. But some kind of diplomatic and clear communication seems kind and healthy.

Also, before you got to the point of realising you wanted to end the friendship, what I struggle with is why someone doesn’t talk about their feelings with that person? As in the stuff that understandably is hurtful e.g ‘I’m pissed off Jane’s tried to flirt again with my DH’ or ‘Ian let his DD talk badly again to my DD’ . Talking about it to avoid the building up of resentment or apathy or something else BEFORE the decision to slow fade or ghost.

I'm fairly confident that the reason most people on this thread have chosen to ghost is precisely because we know enough about the individuals concerned to know with absolute certainty that your style of response is exactly not what would happen. What would have happened in my case would have been more angst and drama, potentially going on for weeks if not months.

So it's not that sending the message is too hard, it's that it wouldn't have been the civilised end of the story, not by a long shot.

Had I had a friend who i had any hope would respond to a break up text in the way you say you would, I probably wouldn't need to be ending the friendship in the first place.

Okay, but then if someone responds with anger or whatever, you don't have to respond? Just block them if you need to? I feel like you can't decide your own principles and morals based on how you think people will respond. If it's cruel to ghost people, it's cruel whether or not they would take a break up well.

I'm wondering whether some of the people who are ghosted and have no clue why are the same people who don't realise that friendships are reciprocal. I have come across a few people who genuinely don't think about giving what they receive and take it totally for granted. Perhaps they weren't taught give and take as children.

Things like contacting your friend periodically for a catch up, not just expecting the other person to do it. Remembering other people's special occasions especially if they've made a fuss about yours. Inviting the other person occasionally to things and offering lifts.

I do think some people get into the habit of sitting back and cruising in the friendship, then wondering why the other person gets burnt out or resentful. It doesn't have to be a major event that kills a friendship but like a bad marriage, the constant drip, drip, drip of dismissal and disregard.

I had a friend that assumed the window seat on a plane was her's and was genuinely puzzled when she came across resistance from another friend. It never occurred to her otherwise, she looked at me blankly when I suggested sharing.

It's the constant exchange in the relationship that keeps it going even if there are life changes. Both parties need to keep a check ie am I giving too much, am I taking too much.