To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

[SassyDeer]

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

I’ve ghosted a friend. Not completely — we’re still FB friends for example, and I’ll leave comments occasionally but that’s about it. It was a friendship that worked at the time, if that makes sense, but as we both moved on from the thing that had originally brought us together (sorry to be vague — trying not to be outing), and I also moved away geographically, I realised we had nothing in common. The fact I lived further away also meant we could no longer just meet for an hour or so; it had to be all day — and I guess that made it more obvious how little we had in common. I realised I didn’t look forward to seeing this friend; when they phoned, my heart would sink slightly — mainly because I knew the call would be at least an hour of them either reliving the past or giving me a blow by blow account of everything that had happened in their life since we last spoke.
I do think sometimes friendships run their course. Is ghosting someone a good way of ending those kind of friendships? I’m not sure — but I’m not sure this friend would have particularly enjoyed being told we had nothing in common any more and all they ever did was talk about themself…

There’s a fine line between ghosting and fading. I have friendships I’ve kind of accidentally let slide. Stepped back deliberately on a temporary basis because they got too much, or we just weren’t really getting on and I found myself feeling irritated and unsettled after every meeting, and then not really missed them so the gap has got bigger and bigger. From their perspective they might have been ghosted, but it’s not that intentional.

I ghosted/slow faded someone whom, on the surface, was a good friend. Someone who everyone liked, considered very sweet.

To know her very well though (and we were friends for years) she had quite significant insecurities around friendship. Her behaviour was very subtle (most of it not deliberate I don't think, certainly not in a nasty way). She would leave you on read so as not to appear too keen (which is just tiresome), she was terrified of judgement to the point that much of her life was for show. I was close friends with her for many years, but on reflection I don't think I ever got to know the real her. I realised that I was mirroring her behaviour to an extent, not being my authentic self, and it was impacting my other friendships.

I think she'd be horrified to know that I ended up finding the whole dynamic quite insidious and damaging. I haven't saw or heard from her in over a year, and I still feel weird about it; not remotely regretful though about the friendship ending.

Because she used to minimise my problems and never had anything helpful to say. It was "I manage so why don't you?"

He lied to me about his girlfriend, wouldn't take I'm not interested to mean that. His timekeeping was shit. Him and his friend blamed me for his friend getting sectioned. I can't think why I wanted to stay friends.

Because they’re cowards, or lack social skills.

I also think the phenomenon and the ‘ghosting’ word itself have become more common over the last decade or so, which has meant that for some people that means it’s more acceptable to do it.

From recollection, I dont think I have ever just stopped replying to someone mid conversation but I have allowed certain friendships to fade naturally by just being generally unavailable/busy and/or taking longer and longer to reply until it diminished to nothing.

Reasons were:

1. One friend was exhausting and every conversation was all about her. We used to have hours long conversations on the phone and the first 1.5 hours it was: me me me me me, literally without drawing breath, and then the last 5 mins of the conversation was "oh, and how are you? but I have to go now- speak soon!". It just became utterly pointless and I felt like I could have been anyone (even a bot) listening to her endless monologues, she didnt really care about how I was at all
2. The second one, she was constantly negative - bitching about everyone and everything, playing the perpetual victim in her own life when actually the reason her life was so awful was due to her own poor decisions (eg constantly moaning she had no money but spending what she did have on designer bags and holidays she could ill afford etc) then she started dropping heavy handed hints about me lending her money and that was the last straw for me. I am not funding you to buy another bloody bag FGS.

Neither of them were horrible/evil people and they did have some great qualities, but they were just completely self absorbed and I realised I had started to dread speaking to them which is not a good sign. I genuinely wish them well, but I am so flipping relieved not to have them in my life any more.

I've never ghosted but definitely done the slow fade. Unless it was all over one specific thing it just feels far too much to have a serious talk about the why (which could've build up over a period of time and be more a collection of character misalignments) and end it officially, and awkward when you live close to each other and want the relationship to go back to acquaintance.

I've fairly recently come to the end of a very slow fade with an ex friend - along the way I tried simply having better boundaries (although I knew we would never go back to what we were as trust was lost) but that just reinforced the need to get out, as they were repeatedly pushed against/ignored. I'm sure she became less interested in seeing me as 'oh, you don't need to tell me Sally's news, she'll tell me if she wants to - how is your toe now? became 'I'm not interested in gossiping about Sally'. I guess through this I did in part 'tell' her they why about some things. I should've got out years ago.

Fading is natural especially when lifestyles change or people become more geographically distant. I moved away from the area of my school and kept those friendships up for about 10 years, but they did naturally tail off after marriages and babies when travelling for things like parties became less practical. We can still get in touch through social media if we wish, so I'd call it a natural fading rather than ghosting.

There have been friends where there's been a large mutual group involved and you realise over time that you've been investing more and that effort (and cost) isn't reciprocated, and you step back and give space for them to show some inititative. We still see them occasionally through mutual friends and it's friendly. Making a drama of "I'm not inviting you anymore because you never host/ organise" would have lead to awkwardness when we do occasionally cross paths through mutual friends. They're still fine as casual company, I just don't have the resources to invest in one-sided friendships any more.

I haven't "randomly" gone cold on an active friendship and suddenly cut contact and blocked. My friendships don't tend to be that intense anyway. My deepest friendships have survived time and distance, but they're not high-contact.

I would consider a ‘slow fade’ ghosting.

I’ve had it happen to me with someone I considered to be a close friend for a number of years. This friend would message me throughout the day, every day, and we’d see each other meet up regularly. We never had an argument or disagreed on anything.

Then the messages and meetings reduced until now there’s nothing.

It’s one of the most painful things I’ve been through, and I would much rather have been told the reason so I can move on - a couple of years on and I still haven’t got over it, I’m regularly going over in my mind if I offended her etc.

There was some ‘mentionitous’ a few months before she started phasing me out, with talk of a new friend that was amazing, so although this is the most logical explanation, but it still hurts a lot.

Ghosting, or ‘slow fading’ is cowardly. This wasn’t just a friend on the same level as my others, this was a friend close enough that she’d entwined herself into my life, and took up a large amount of my time. She always had drama going on, and I’d been there for her.

I’m not sure it’s necessarily cowardice or a lack of social skills. A PP said they’d let a friendship fizzle out — and I think that’s often the same thing, but somehow sounds better, partly because it doesn’t sound pre-meditated. I’ve ghosted a friend — but it wasn’t pre-meditated; it was more that I gradually stopped making an effort. Yes, I could have told them I thought the friendship was very one-sided, but would they honestly have wanted to hear that? I don’t know…
I do think you’re right, though, that it’s become more common/acceptable. I think part of that is social media too though: it’s easier to keep in contact these days, but also easier to end friendships abruptly (by blocking someone) rather than letting them fizzle out. It always surprises me the number of times I read on here about people blocking friends/family as a form of punishment…

Again, ghosting isn't necessarily related to being cowardly.

I was ghosted by my friend group as a teenager. It wasn’t a normal drifting apart after school as they stayed friends but didn’t involve me in anything anymore and I didn’t push it. It took me about 10 years to realise that I was simply Not A Very Good Friend. It took a lot of time to assess myself that deeply and look at all my flaws but I believe it’s made me a better person. Hopefully anyway, all my other friends have stuck around and I found a lovely husband! 🙏

I’m in the process of ghosting someone who I was very close to, they were my bridesmaid. I’m sure I’ll go down as being the bad guy, the one who moved away and suddenly thought she was too good for her old friends and her old life. In reality, I’ve been gone almost as long as I lived in that place. She lost a baby recently so no doubt she’s going to say that was that the reason but I’ve been doing the slow fade for a number of years with no luck.

Our friendship has been over for years. We haven’t had a meaningful conversation in 4 years. We have nothing in common. The last meaningful conversations we had was how we were all struggling in lockdown, except I couldn’t be struggling that bad because I had no kids, even though her kid was still able to attend school so she wasn’t home schooling before the rest of MN jumps on me. She generally has it worse, so any moan about my own life is met with “well at least…”

She’s spent years making comments that I’ve moved away, abandoned everyone. Making comments about how broke she is, how much debt they have, how they’ll never buy and I don’t get it. Even though she’s recently been on holiday, so she’s not that broke or not seriously working towards reducing her debt. I don’t get anything from the friendship.

I’m ghosting her because I think it’s the easier option for both of us instead of saying I think we have nothing in common. I don’t remember the last time you asked how I was without using it as an excuse to complain about your own life. I’m irritated by your actions when you complain about something but don’t make any changes to address this. I find it exhausting to be around you and I dread getting a message from you.

I was ghosted by a very good friend. I have no idea why. Recently I went through all my WhatsApp groups and I’ve now deleted all the ones with her in them. It’s been several years since we have spoken.
She did say to me before ghosting me that since marrying her now dh, she had lost a lot of friends. Dh said I should contact her but it’s been too long and I have nothing to say to her now.
What I will say is she wanted everything to revolve around her new dh.

I’m irritated by your actions when you complain about something but don’t make any changes to address this

Urgh yes. I simply cant deal with this- constant and repetitive complaints about the same issues for years and years but shooting down every suggestion to fix it.

I'm sorry you are unhappy but do something about it then! Nothing is going to change if you dont change it, and only you have the power to do that.

I did also get slightly ghosted by a group of friends when I got divorced. When I met my current dh they got back in touch and arranged a catch up. They fell over themselves in trying to arrange a hen do- which I wasn’t interested in. They also put out feelers for an invite to the wedding- again- not happening.
I still speak to them when I bump into them and they are all pleasant enough. I won’t be good friends with any of them again. They obviously only want happily marrieds in their group. I can’t be doing with that.

Exactly, you don’t know what she wanted. Surely it would have been better to talk things through in person about your feelings about the friendship? Healthier?

It’s quite normal to lose friends after a divorce, loss, big lifestyle change.

If you ghost someone then it’s probably because they’ve done something to make you think they’re actually a bit of a jerk.

I mean what are you going to do - sit them down and say “look I’ve just realised you’re a bit of a jerk (IMO)” 😕

I haven't "randomly" gone cold on an active friendship and suddenly cut contact and blocked. My friendships don't tend to be that intense anyway. My deepest friendships have survived time and distance, but they're not high-contact.

Yeah exactly, I don't have these MN friendships where you're constantly texting each other and enmeshed in each others' lives. Some friendships are great but temporary. And if they fade or finish it's no big deal.

Also being a friend isn't being a manager, you're not obliged to give everyone a performance review.

So your friend didn’t ghost you, did she- she gradually faded away, and you knew something was changing, and you could have asked her what was wrong and tried to fix it but you didn’t. That’s on you. Ghosting is suddenly disappearing altogether and ignoring any attempt to make contact.

Gosh there is a lot of food for thought here.

I have ghosted people although I wouldn't have described it like that. But thinking about it, it may have been mutual because I haven't been contacted by them either.

I have also been ghosted in the last 2 years by someone I'd been close friends with for about 15 years. It's still painful when I think about him and I wonder how he is and hope he's ok.
I think I might know why - I think I might have done something that he found ethically unacceptable. So I suppose I have to accept that he's stuck to his principles, which is one of the things I liked about him!

I am currently struggling with a friend who will ask for dates we can meet, I give her some and then don't hear back, even if I chase her up.
Then weeks / months later, she'll do the same. So we rarely meet in reality. But then the other day, in a group chat, she agreed to meet another member of the group at a specific day and time (which I can't make). I was hurt by that and I'm wondering whether in reality the friendship is not important to her.

Maybe she did. Maybe she saw something in friendship that i didn't.

Maybe I should have been myself and more open with my views. I feared that would lead to confrontation. It was just so uncomfortable and I felt at a dead end. I did/do like her but I don't miss the anxiety I felt when we met.

I think the comment from @saraclara about being ghosted and not being able to defend herself sums up why people ghost. If you’ve made the decision to ghost someone it’s usually because the other person is self absorbed or taking the piss and the last thing you want to do is tell them this and get drawn into a long conversation where they deny it or come up with crappy excuses for their behaviour.

Here's a better question, why do people who've been ghosted ask disingenous questions, is it to make themselves feel better instead of just moving on?

The phrase you should be using is just moving on. The person moved on from you. That's life. People move on from you, just like you've moved on from other people, and they don't owe you a roundtable discussion on it. The fact that you want one - and you do - is no doubt part of the reason they're moving on from you without letting you start any drama.

Everyone's been ghosted, yep, me too. Everyone who's had more than a couple of friends in life. You think you're due an explanation and that's too stupid for words. It's hilariously dumb to think that every single time someone moves on from you they need to explain why. You're owed nothing.

Nah, it's not rude or anything else - it's "a hundred different reasons depending on the person and none of your business anyway and you can't change it so get over it for feck sake".

You've been ghosted because you're painful, you're annoying, you have a personality disorder, you refuse to take a hint, you're boring, you know they want to escape from you but you make it too hard, you've insulted them, offended them or they just don't bloody like you. It's normal, bog standard behaviour to avoid people you want to avoid. End of story.

Or maybe you've been ghosted because they're the ones with a problem cos not everyone who is ghosted is the problem, occasionally the one doing the ghosting is the problem.

But So What? You can't control or bitch or plead someone into liking you and you definitely wouldn't want the explanation if they gave it to you so yeah not everyone who's been ghosted is the problem but EVERYONE who asks this stupid question or calls people names rather than accept it's just a normal human thing that's always happened IS the problem and you've just proved it.

Asking this question publicly as a grown up sounds immature, coercive, passive aggressive, weird, annoying, zero self awareness - pick your poison. Stop trying to control people and lay blame, the only thing you can control is yourself. Obsessing about other people's boundaries is creepy and a bit stalkery and teenage "oh woe is me". Just get on with your life for feck sake.

Shit happens, you don't have the right to know everyone's thoughts and reasons and if you could control them into telling you you'd be a total fruitcake. If you could force them into putting up with you or giving you a counselling session on why they can't stand you you'd be breaking their boundaries.

They're entitled to have a life without you in it and move on any way they choose. Let it go and PLEASE don't post whiny weird pseudo questions you already know the answer to in public, it looks clingy, immature and pointless.

Just move on - they have.