To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

[SassyDeer]

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

I went on a weekend away with friend and then ghosted her. I'd been having doubts about her behaviour as she didn't respect boundaries, for example I didn't have much money so had been clear from the outset I could only come if we did 'free' activities like sit and read by the pool, sunbathing etc.

When we were there she decided we 'needed' to hire a fancy car, go to expensive restaurants, go to a spa etc. She was having arguments with other guests and staff, very 'diva' type behaviour. I was embarrassed to be associated with her tbh.

I ghosted after we returned, I realised she has few friends and the self important, diva behaviour is why.

Well then you haven't exactly ghosted them, have you? If you told them you were unhappy and why, then they had a chance to work things out.

Because they're cowards.
That's really all there is to it, despite excuses.

Doesn't sound like ghosting though, I always think of it where things are going fine and with no warning signs someone just cuts all contact. Talking to someone repeatedly or even once about stuff that's threatening the relationship doesn't seem to fit that.

That's the same for me. If they were the kind of people who wouldn't DARVO you then I wouldn't have stopped being friends in the first place. I'd much rather sort it out if I have an issue!! I don't ghost people cos they're not cool enough or I've made more fun friends.

Until recently I would have said ghosting is bad form- if you have been friends the decent thing to do is explain or perhaps slow fade if the problem is tolerable for the time that takes.

A friend did a crappy thing and I told her I didn’t like it. She thought it was funny and did it again twice. It wasn’t anything dire but I really didn’t like it but more importantly I realised what she wanted to do would always trump my feelings. And that was borne out by the nasty messages she sent once I’d said we wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.

I now think I was naive to think explaining would ever go well. How many people are likely to say they see your point and although they aren’t happy about it respect your decision: or see your point and agree it’s for the best?

I think my friend’s anger came from hurt or regret. She pushed her luck, came unstuck and lost a good friend. But I could have done without her nastiness and will not bother explaining if I’m ever in a similar situation again.

I'd also agree that giving up on someone you've repeatedly tried to talk to isn't ghosting but from that person's perception if they've tuned out the warning signs they may well be going around telling people they've been ghosted.

But sometimes friendships just run their course. And that’s okay, I think, and doesn’t necessarily need an announcement or a big discussion. However, we don’t have to agree (of course).

Well then surely that's just a mutual slow fade, and not a ghosting situation? If you felt a friendship had run its course, but your friend didn't, and asked you why you were fading her out, would you just ignore her then?

No, I wouldn’t. But it doesn’t automatically make it mutual.

No, but it makes it not a ghosting.

I'm British and I don't understand it at all. Just have the conversation and be done with it. In most circumstances, ghosting is so spineless IMO.

I'm not saying it's easy, it's not. I had to cut someone out of my life for just draining every ounce of my energy, particularly when I was very ill, and although 'the conversation' wasn't easy to have, it felt important to have it. Both for her and for me.

Just a reminder, if you're being ghosted and you are on this thread complaining about it, you are very definitely the problem.

I'm so very glad you've been ghosted and couldn't batter your way past other people's boundaries.

Only coercive, bullying creeps and stalkers whine in public to strangers about being ghosted. Normal people move on with their lives.

And it's really, really funny to hear you whining about it 😅

Someone used to do this to me and come back a few years later and I would forgive them until one day I thought this is crazy she was a user and used people and after 4 years she tried again this year and I refused to give her the time or day x

I would never cut contact straight off. But I had a good friend our children were roughly the same age. She used to live in the same street as me. Very kind person. I’d listen to her numerous problems and she would often give me advice on difficult situations I had.
But as she got older she became very insular and if you ever said no she would sulk, or just make odd comments. I just was always busy when she rang. I don’t dislike her if she needed help in an emergency I would always offer. But I feel free now she is not in my life on a weekly basis. I have made a lot more effort to do other activities and interests. It’s quite liberating and empowering.

Ghosting is selfish and emotionally abusive. You could say at least something, to not to is a choice.

i had this, built what i presumed a good friendship got permission to watsapp facebook etc then one day blocked without any reason, still puzzled to this day

That’s not ghosting, that’s fair enough! Standing up for yourself. They knew why you blocked them.

The challenge with ghosting is typically, the person has no why.

I’m going through it now with my long time mentor at work. In January they told me their time would come to an end at some stage and I should think about leaving, they’d help me find my next job, would support me and this was nothing unusual as he had always supported me.

I sent pictures of my family trip in March and he said what an amazing family we are and asked how they were. Ignored my question about how his family were and the part I asked if he had any time coming up for a catch up. Next thing, a few weeks later, I hear he’s handed his notice in. I’m on parental leave so had no idea. Called but no answer, no call back. So a week on, I messaged to say I’d heard the news and asked when the final day was. Got a reply again asking how my family is and that they’d call in the next day or two. Nothing. Just silence.

My guess is they had a leaving something or another but I heard nothing. I went to a leaving do a few months before and saw them there, all fine.

Decided to send a thank you card through the post with a gift. DH thought it was a great idea and gesture. Got a pic of it being delivered but didn’t say thank you. I have no idea what has changed after almost 10 years of a very supportive professional dynamic between us. I’m forever grateful but I’ve never been ghosted like this! I’m happily married with children, it’s been a while I’ve searched for answers like this!

Well you sound totally sane.