To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

[SassyDeer]

I see a lot of posts about people getting ghosted by friends, and I wonder why this happens so often. For those of you who have ghosted friends, what was your reasoning? Did you feel it was easier than explaining, or was there something else behind it? Why not just tell your friend you need space, or that you’d like to end the friendship? I’m genuinely curious to understand.

I think there are tactful ways of saying things but I also get that not everyone wants to say/hear criticism, even constructive, loving and well meant criticism.

Friend with BPD. Having the conversation with her would have resulted in weeks of drama. It was easier to quietly distance myself. I don’t feel great about it, but the alternative was worse for everyone. I knew I would be painted as a villain across social media etc if I gave her the opportunity to.

@MovingTooFast121 , I think you definitely did the right thing in that situation.

I've an ex friend who would tell you I ghosted them. Truth is, they said something horrible behind my back, I had to think about it, so didn't contact them for a bit. Realised they had never contacted me or our other friend, ever. Made zero effort & ecpected us to do all the work.

So I just left it. So a half ghosting, half them never making effort. But if you ask her, it'l be 100% my fault.

Because invariably they're cowards. It's cruel to ghost someone, the person probably thinks they're being nice and sparing their feelings, reality is though they're just too week and poor of character to be honest and dont want the fall out. Ghosting leaves the other person to wonder what they did wrong which is worse than someone diplomatically saying the friendship isn't for them anymore. At least with the latter people know where they stand and can move on.

I had a friend who was very ‘Me. Me. Me’. Every meet up was an hour of her monologues of woe then, 5 mins before I had to leave to pick DC up would say ‘so anyway, how are you?’. It was tiresome, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when I’d been ill for several months and had finally been diagnosed with two chronic illnesses. She’d texted asking to meet for coffee and I’d said I wasn’t able to because I wasn’t well and had just been diagnosed with X & Y and her, typically self absorbed, response was ‘I’m not well atm, I’ve got a terrible cold’.
Not ‘oh sorry to hear that, how are you/how are you coping?’ or anything, just another’Me. Me. Me’ response. Blocked her instantly. I didn’t have the energy or headspace to deal with her any more as I was so ill. Months later a birthday present arrived in the post. I sent a small thank you card but didn’t send Christmas card or birthday card to her and she, thankfully, never sent anything again.
Theres is no way I could have made her understand how she made me feel at that time, and it sounds so minor reading this back, but my life had been turn upside down and she just had a cold, but felt it more important to tell me how ill she was than give a thought to how I was feeling.

I'm on the verge of ghosting someone

She's obsessed with her ex boyfriend (they broke up 9 years ago),exs new girlfriend and a bloke who liked her about 8 years ago

She's also convinced every single bloke on the planet fancies her and it will give her so much pleasure to turn him down (I know this makes me sound like a bitch,but she really does-if a bloke so much as glances at her,he wants to shag her)

She's just lost her job

The jobcentre is a joke (she's not wrong)

And she's just met a new bloke

Every single message (at least one every 15 minutes,if not more) is about one of the above-just banging on about the same thing over and over again-it's like she's stalking her ex (she's in touch with his family) and I get any gossip about a bloke I've met twice and don't care about,Ditto the new girlfriend and the bloke who briefly liked her

She's also tighter than a ducks arse and expects me to pay her way if we go for coffee or food-i can't afford it

She'll plead poverty but can afford whatever catches her eye while dragging me into the expensive coffee shop and holding back while I pay (I've stopped meeting her her person)

If I message her and the subject isn't about her,she'll either ignore me or bring it back to her

She didn't even bother to say congratulations when my ds and his girlfriend had my first grandchild and I was so excited,she just moaned her ds will never give her a grandchild (she likes kids but only for a few minutes and he doesnt want a child) and then started about her ex again, totally ignoring my news-it was like I hadn't spoken

I'm done

My thoughts too. It was like the elephant in the room. I was terrified to be myself, yet she would openly express her views. I still cant figure it out. We had no common ground. The conversation had to be light and superficial for me which drained me. Yet she wanted to meet me. And I eventually phased her out which made me feel awful as she would text to try arrange. I don't know what she got out if it, or was she oddly curious/irritated by me. Either way, it got so uncomfortable that I wanted out.

Agrees 100%.

I don't get why people present it as a choice between ghosting or giving an exhaustive list of the other person's faults.

Just say you choose not to be friends anymore because [you can't get over X, you feel like you've changed too much, whatever - or dont give a reason], wish them well, thank them for their friendship in the past and say goodbye.

You wouldn't ghost a romantic relationship of five, ten, twenty years. Be a grown up and tell the other person it's over.

I'd argue ghosting is rarely done without warning and anyone blindsided by it might want to think about what signs they missed. Sometimes people are so self-involved they don't recognise that their friend is pulling away because the friendship has because they're not happy. Two easy examples people turn to ghosting - the friend isn't actually a good friend and it's not a nice experience being in their company, or the ghoster is overwhelmed/stressed/depressed and the friend is too emotionally needy and doesn't acknowledge the ghoster's need for space.

I find it too complicated to keep up with the sheer number of friends that you make through different jobs, courses, neighbours, school. I try to be friendly with everyone but it’s just not possible for me to give that much. So if someone becomes too demanding it’s easier to just let it fade away. I have a friend I was really close too when we worked together, she’s ghosted me since we left, that’s fine, it’s just different now. I agree with a PP that would people don’t take no easily and that a need for constant communication by text etc is overwhelming.

I'd rather have been ghosted, then to have received a message in the middle of the night, telling me my faults, why she was going to step back from the friendship, and that she wasn't prepared to discuss it.

If I'm honest, I've never really got over it. The reasons were incredibly unfair and not being able to defend myself was awful.

Ghosting would have been perfectly possible, as this person wasn't someone I saw often (due to our different locations) and would have been far less hurtful.

They were bitching about everyone and would cut people off for the smallest of things. They didn't want to find common ground between people.

It was exhausting and I couldn't cope with being on egg shells around them.

I knew they wouldn't change or take it well if I explained.

No, this is incorrect.
Ghosting a person does not automatically make someone a coward.

@wrongthinker , my partner was ghosted by his ex after a four year relationship, so it does happen, he struggled dreadfully afterwards.

Maybe she hoped you had more than just your faith in common?

This is exactly me. I ghosted a friend who would constantly demand my time despite me constantly saying I was busy or tired or had other plans. It was non stop and every message from her made my stomach sink because I knew I'd have to politely find a way to say 'leave me alone for god's sake!'.

I tend to agree with this. Its not either - ghost, or list 20 things in graphic detail that you hate about them.

Its interesting that noone would think ghosting a decade long relationship would be acceptable and yet for friendships its ok?

I wonder why that is? when ending a romantic relationship most people dont list out 50 reasons why they find the person annoying or whatever, they simply say "I dont think we're compatible" or "this isnt working for me any more"- I wonder why thats not acceptable for friendships?

I wonder if people are talking about close friends you've known a long time and are in each other's lives a lot and friends where you aren't overly close etc. The former I'd definitely judge someone for being weak and ghosting them, the latter it's usually that things tail off by themselves with less responses etc.

I agree.

I had one of those too.
She had good qualities but her increasing and overwhelming demands on my time made our friendship impossible. I also had a youngish child at the time and she was childless, and, without sounding horrible, I don't think she quite realised how tiring parenting of even a fairly 'easy' child can be at times and how I just couldn't devote the energy to her that she wanted. She lives nearby and we have mutual friends, and I also hope she's doing ok, but cannot have a close relationship with her.

I did this, I sent them a text that said I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done that’s upset you and I hope you have a lovely life and hopefully see you around.

This was after they started to ghost me for not looking after their vomiting child when they both were vomiting. At night time with a 45 min round trip on a weekday and expected me to drop their child at nursery the next day.

My friend changed once she got into this relationship…I miss the old her

I’ve never just stopped talking to anyone but have let friendships fade where we just have nothing in common anymore or where they became increasingly difficult.
I had one friend that would message asking to meet up, I’d reply with days I was around and then I’d not hear from her again for ages. It just became exhausting, with me doing all the running around arranging everything. Our DDs were friends but her DD was a bit older and was a bit mean to mine. My DD is autistic and doesn’t always pick up on things so I wasn’t overly happy about their friendship anyway. I didn’t respond to her last message and haven’t heard from her since, so probably won’t now.

I actually think it’s kinder to ghost someone. I’ve done it a couple of times because I was exhausted by the one sidedness of the relationship, being a sounding board for an endless monologue about themselves, being ordered about like an employee.

The people I stopped talking to could work out why if they really thought about it. They could also reach out to try and get an explanation if they cared enough but, I suspect they don’t want to hear the painful truth.

You don’t owe anyone your time.

Why are you curious OP? Has this happened to you? Sorry if so. It’s painful.

your wording though sounds a bit like a research project / gathering data.