Muddy walk: who IBU

[Ezekiela]

Background: I enjoy walking; DH not so much, he does other sports but not much since an injury some months ago.

TLDR: I think he ruined my day out by delaying our departure, wearing unsuitable shoes and cutting the walk short. He thinks I'm unreasonable for not staying on the broad smooth path that we started on and expecting him to walk on a rocky, muddy path where he might fall and aggravate his injury.

Earlier this week, we had a good weather forecast so I planned to visit a beauty spot an hour's drive away; let's say a woodland with colourful autumn leaves. Asked DH if he wanted to come on a scenic walk (answer is normally no, but I always ask.) He said yes. He asked, is there a path? I said yes, it's a popular place so there will be, but I've never been there before so can't say what it's like and given recent rain, it might be muddy.

He didn't want to set off for two hours because of something time-critical he was doing at home. Then when he was ready, I expressed my surprise that he was wearing trainers, not hiking boots. I again said it might be muddy but he replied "These are the most comfortable" so I left it.

The first part of the walk, from the car park to the woodland was on a wide, mostly flat track (suitable for wheelchairs and buggies.) At the wood itself, the path was narrower and strewn with rocks and boulders. No scrambling needed, just stepping over / around the rocks but, as expected, some areas were a bit muddy so you had to pick your way.

He was clearly unhappy, started dragging behind, said he didn't want to continue. I said "this part is the whole reason I've come here so I'm not turning back now."

At one point the path came close to a road so he said he would walk back on the road round the wood instead of through it. I knew if I stayed in the wood I wouldn't enjoy it because of worrying about him, so I also walked back on the road. Admittedly this was my choice. Then he wanted to go straight back to the car the way we had come, instead of completing the circular walk.

AIBU to feel resentful?

all this effort and detail Op

so what are you planning to do with this thread? if people say yep you’re right to feel resentful… you’ll carry on feeling resentful

and if they don’t, you won’t?

Ill wager this is the tip of the iceberg anyway in other marital issues

He have the walk a go
it didn’t work out

and you sound very peculiar to feel resentful and still navel gazing about it

Poor DH

He tried, he didn't like it. It's that simple isn't it? I think you are trying to get him to enjoy a hobby that you do and he doesn't.

Why would you have ‘worried’ about him walking back to the car on the road?

I think YABU. He's injured, and you described it as a scenic walk along a path (albeit a muddy one) not a forest hike on an uneven trail.

Absent any other issues, it's just one of those things where your wires got crossed and doesn't need to be a big deal, but you're BU for resenting or blaming him imo.

Next time just go without him

All this pussyfooting around before you left, him wearing trainers etc etc are just delaying tactics.

You are not on the same page when it comes to walks. You like a muddy ramble he likes a nice flat walk because of a recent injury.

Neither of you were being unreasonable.

Go on your own to unknown places and go with him to ones that are suitable for him.

He sounds like a selfish man child to me. He ruined your walk by whinging and whining like a spoilt child.

Funny replies!

I would say of course yanbu

He basically made himself a complete drag - delaying the time of departure, wearing unsuitable shoes, dragging behind when it got ever so slightly less even. Who goes for a walk to stay on a path? Unless you are physically unable to go off the path the whole point is to walk on the natural ground.

So he doesn't like walking but accompanied you on a walk despite being injured as you said there would be a path. There wasn't actually a path and therefore he didn't enjoy the walk and you're cross with him because basically he didn't enjoy it. He didn't spoil your walk and you didn't have to worry about him walking back alone. It's all very melodramatic to be honest.

Agree with the above. Neither of you are unreasonable, you just enjoy different things. Yes, he was probably being a bit stroppy and he may have worn the wrong clothes deliberately, but is it worth all this hassle? Just carry on enjoying your separate things.

At one point the path came close to a road so he said he would walk back on the road round the wood instead of through it. I knew if I stayed in the wood I wouldn't enjoy it because of worrying about him, so I also walked back on the road.

Why are you worried about a grown man walking on a road? The rest of your post was just general compromise but this part is weird.

Yabu. I love hiking, dh is more fairweather so I only ask him if I know he'll enjoy the walk and when he joins me he picks the route and distance because it matters to me that he enjoys it too. If I suspect he won't, I go alone or with friends.

Also confused why you would be worried about him walking back to the car alone? All sounds a bit pathetic.
He shouldn't have come with you if he was going to be miserable but also you could have just gone alone in the first place

I'd go by myself in future, leave him in the house!

i suspect that will suit him perfectly

Eh? I mean surely you can understand that that might not be the "whole point" for everyone?

To me, the whole point of going for a walk is exercise and fresh air (and to stop the kids murdering each other). I couldn't give a stuff what the ground is like tbh!

He did give it ago.

He asked at the outset if there was a path, and you said "yes" so it is reasonable for him to have expected a path, even if it was muddy in places. And that's what he got, in the first part. He wasn't up for the second part, because the terrain was too much for him.

You have divergent ideas about what constitutes a path. And much as I sympathise with you (based on when my DH has marred various runs because they've been too much for him, despite him appearing to know what he's let himself in for, compounded in his case by a dogged determination to keep going when really he should have drooped and circled back), I think in this specific instance his expectations on what a "path" is were the reasonable ones. 'Not involving scrambling' really isn't enough. There is lots of demanding technical terrain that is well short of scrambling.

In future, either describe the path in greater detail.

Or - and my preferred option - go alone or with others whose enjoyment and capabilities is a much closer match to yours. Only suggest he comes when the paths are buggy-friendly ones throughout

You sound uncompromising OP. Do you not actually like him or want to spend time with him? You told him there was a path and it sounds like he was fine until the path stopped. Plus he has an (unspecified) injury. Couldn't you have compromised on the route so it suited him? Or don't invite him if you want to walk a route that he'll hate / is too much for his injury.

I'd love to hear his POV on this

I bloody hate it when people go on a countryside walk and start whinging like they didn't expect to be in the countryside or have to walk! We are there to walk and see nature and you should be prepared for there to be weather, mud and "outdoor things". After I went on a winter walk with a whinging man who turned up in expensive white trainers I just gave up and now walk alone

I can't think of anything worse than going for a walk, muddy or otherwise.

#teamDH

I would simply ask if he wants to come, give as much detail as you can about the walk, make sure he’s happy about coping, and then either, go it alone and enjoy things yourself but not stress about the fact that he hasn’t come, or, let him come with you, if if moans and groans or cannot cope, suggest he goes back alone to wherever you started, and you complete your well researched, enjoyable walk. You might want to let him know that it’s better for you to go alone and enjoy it, rather than him coming along and not enjoying it. You can always do something he can cope with, another time.
It’s not a problem not to share every activity. My OH used to be into strenuous hill/mountain walking, but I couldn’t do or enjoy it at his level, so suggested he go with his work mates, we could share something else together. Which we did….horse riding. He was hugely out of his comfort zone initially, but then it took over our lives and we ended up buying a horse😁

Who goes for a walk to stay on a path?

Me! And probably loads of people! If I’m going on a walk it’s for fresh air, exercise and to see some nice views! I’d rather walk on paths and avoid mud and risk of falling / ankle injuries as much as possible.

Sounds like OP and her DP don’t agree on what is a “path” although I think DPs footwear should have been taken as a clear indicator of what route / paths he was prepared to go on really.

Feel a bit sorry for DP really, he was trying to spend some time with OP but she decided that going on a very specific walking route was more important / interesting.

I only walk for exercise when necessary due to injury / recovery because it’s so boring unless it’s also for a chat or social. I can’t imagine driving an hour to go for a walk on my own.

And the OP, she said at the outset that she always asks out of politeness and he normally says no, implying that's fine