Muddy walk: who IBU

[Ezekiela]

Background: I enjoy walking; DH not so much, he does other sports but not much since an injury some months ago.

TLDR: I think he ruined my day out by delaying our departure, wearing unsuitable shoes and cutting the walk short. He thinks I'm unreasonable for not staying on the broad smooth path that we started on and expecting him to walk on a rocky, muddy path where he might fall and aggravate his injury.

Earlier this week, we had a good weather forecast so I planned to visit a beauty spot an hour's drive away; let's say a woodland with colourful autumn leaves. Asked DH if he wanted to come on a scenic walk (answer is normally no, but I always ask.) He said yes. He asked, is there a path? I said yes, it's a popular place so there will be, but I've never been there before so can't say what it's like and given recent rain, it might be muddy.

He didn't want to set off for two hours because of something time-critical he was doing at home. Then when he was ready, I expressed my surprise that he was wearing trainers, not hiking boots. I again said it might be muddy but he replied "These are the most comfortable" so I left it.

The first part of the walk, from the car park to the woodland was on a wide, mostly flat track (suitable for wheelchairs and buggies.) At the wood itself, the path was narrower and strewn with rocks and boulders. No scrambling needed, just stepping over / around the rocks but, as expected, some areas were a bit muddy so you had to pick your way.

He was clearly unhappy, started dragging behind, said he didn't want to continue. I said "this part is the whole reason I've come here so I'm not turning back now."

At one point the path came close to a road so he said he would walk back on the road round the wood instead of through it. I knew if I stayed in the wood I wouldn't enjoy it because of worrying about him, so I also walked back on the road. Admittedly this was my choice. Then he wanted to go straight back to the car the way we had come, instead of completing the circular walk.

AIBU to feel resentful?

Yanbu

But I would have carried on in the woods. Why were you worried about a grown adult walking on a road??

What is his injury? Some injuries it would be insane to proceed with poor footing and risk a fall, others less so.

I think you ABVU to expect DH to want to do what you want to do. He tried, but decided that he couldn't continue so wanted to take the easier route back. He didn't expect you to do that - you could have continued on the circular route.

I went to Lundy Island many many years ago with a boyfriend. There is a route straight down the middle of the island, and also paths along the top of the cliffs. He decided that he wanted to go back via the cliff path. I am terrified of heights. I tried - but couldn't continue so went back on the easier route. I didn't expect him to. He didnt. We met up later in the pub. ( I will say - he was a bit of an arse. He knew I was scared of heights but still wanted to go back on the cliff path. You knew your DH did not want to walk on a difficult muddy path - but you decided that was what you wanted to do.... read into that what you will)

I'm a bit more nervous on a mountain bike than DH. So when we do cycle rides together he is really careful to plan the journey in detail (using satellite maps) to make sure I won't be presented with any terrain that might be too difficult for me. I really appreciate this consideration. I'm surprised you are angry with your DH for feeling unable to perform as you expected him to.

I think you’ve set him up to fail tbh.
You asked him to come, suggested there would be a suitable path, albeit a bit muddy and then have got the arse with him when it’s obviously the kind of path that he would risk further injury on and doesn’t want to carry on.
You are not being clear with him and expecting him to understand what you want when you tell him something else.
I’d be annoyed at you too.

Why couldn't you have just walked separately when you realised this was an issue?
You could've just gone on the more difficult path yourself and he could've walked on the flat path.
Next time just go alone and don't bother asking him because clearly he doesn't like hiking. And that's fine. It'd fine to enjoy seperate things you don't need to force him to do anything.

He tried it, despite having an injury. Could he have made it easier on himself by wearing better shoes? Sure. It sounds like he didn't want to go, but he did.

My DH has an injury that requires a walking cane. Most of the time he'll be up for anything hiking wise, but if it's playing up then he won't and I wouldn't ask him to, either, or complain if he was in discomfort and an activity wasn't going how I'd have liked.

Unsuitable shoes makes him sound like he’s wearing crocs… Trainers are fine for a woodland walk that you think will be mostly on a path

By contrast to @Sia8899 's white trainer man experience, I have a very good male friend who only owns white trainers (and work shoes - he's a barrister) as he's a city dweller through and through. I grew up in the countryside despite also appearing as a city dweller (to people who didn't know the much younger me). 😏During the tail end of lockdown (when you could mix with up to 6 people outside), I drove my friend and I to Hampstead Heath for a change of scene as we'd both been going pretty much insane exploring more locally together. It was winter and it was VERY VERY muddy. We were both inappropriately dressed (although in my defence, I keep wellies and a waterproof coat in the boot of my car at all times, I was just too stupid to realise I'd need them).

We had a great time even though both of us were ankle deep in mud. His white trainers were now invisible. When we got back to my (immaculate) car, he offered up his (unread) Sunday Times to cover both footwells so our muddy footwear didn't trash my car. Now that's a gentleman for you. 😀 I never asked if the white trainers survived but we're still good friends. I have subsequently suggested he buys wellies but he says he just won't get out of the car next time. 😂

On a side note, I don't recommend driving through central London wearing mud-soaked trainers wrapped with sheets of newspaper. Changing gears is a bitch. 😜

I think you've nailed it.

Thank you for this, it helps me to understand his viewpoint. Just for clarity, he has recovered from the injury but is afraid it could recur.

I'm on your side OP...I find some people pathetic in the outdoors, whinging and being irritable, totally out of their comfort zone. It does spoil the experience.

I'm never critical in this situation, I lower my expectations and cheerfully accept their limitations.

I do a lot of outdoor activities alone.

Worried that I would take too long going through the woods and he would end up fed up of waiting for me. I wouldn't be able to stop to look at the birds or enjoy the views knowing he was waiting impatiently for me. So not worried that anything would happen to him, more that he was already unhappy and I didn't want to make him more unhappy.

It seems that you consider his feelings and comfort more than he does yours OP. It’s not like you pressurised him into coming on the walk with you but he didn’t seem to care that he ruined the walk for you with his whinging and whining.

I often go without him and don't mind if he stays home. Just that if he chooses to come along (and delays my departure for two hours) he should make an effort to enjoy it.

Nah... fuck that! I love hiking - it's my one and only real exercise that I do religiously, all weather's, all terrains.

Your OP made me so angry - delaying you even setting out, falling back (I know I walk fast but will slow down a bit if I have company but when you're basically having to stop for others to catch up - infuriating), deciding on your route although you acknowledge your being a but unreasonable on this point. Just UGH!

Hope you're feeling ok, OP - and planning a nice solo hike for tomorrow!

I couldn't describe the path in greater detail as it was my first visit.

Photo shows the path. It did get a bit narrower in places but it's definitely a very well-defined path.

My husband is the same. He likes defined routes and needs a map.

I'm quite happy to put long wellies in and go off the path into a forest.

He's from a city and has always had nicely laid out paths around parks or tamed woodland.

I'm from a very rural area and we always went off the path as children. It wasn't an adventure if we didn't.

Our compromise is to find a path on the ordinance survey maps and try and tie a pub into the mix.

If I need to go wild walking I do this with my rural friends.

He has recovered from the injury, I just didn't realise how fearful he is of repeating it. It wasn't a sprained ankle which he could do twisting his foot in the rocks, it is not something you would reasonably expect to aggravate by walking on rough terrain.

I can't imagine driving an hour to go for a walk on my own.

You and I can agree to differ on that. And to answer some other comments, I do like DH and enjoy his company, and we spend lots of time together. This was always a case of, I'm going to X place to do a scenic walk; do you want to come?

I wasn't critical; I tried to be sympathetic and didn't tell him that he ruined my day. Even managed not to snap "This is why you should have worn hiking boots!" when he complained about the mud. Can't say I was cheerful about it, though.

I think part of the problem is that he hasn't always been this bad; I remember us tramping all over Ilkley Moor in years gone by and I'm sure those paths were rougher and tougher.

Miserable whinge bags who complain about stuff like mud are the worst

YABU. He’s not pissing on your parade he has an injury that he needs to be mindful of. You said there was a path but forgot to mention the rough terrain after the path and then acted like it’s some personal insult to you that his injury prevented him from doing it when you knew about it from the get go. He even offered to go on the road by himself while you did the bit he could not do, but oh no it was much more important to go with him so you could be the hard done by martyr whose day was “ruined.”

Photo shows the path. It did get a bit narrower in places but it's definitely a very well-defined path.

That's definitely a very very good path. Can't believe that's what caused the whingeing, I was picturing something faint and boggy and even then I'd have agreed with you.

Yeah hiking boots cure all sorts of injuries, got some torn cartilage in the knee, just wear hiking boots and you are back to being a mountain goat. 🫤