Muddy walk: who IBU

[Ezekiela]

Background: I enjoy walking; DH not so much, he does other sports but not much since an injury some months ago.

TLDR: I think he ruined my day out by delaying our departure, wearing unsuitable shoes and cutting the walk short. He thinks I'm unreasonable for not staying on the broad smooth path that we started on and expecting him to walk on a rocky, muddy path where he might fall and aggravate his injury.

Earlier this week, we had a good weather forecast so I planned to visit a beauty spot an hour's drive away; let's say a woodland with colourful autumn leaves. Asked DH if he wanted to come on a scenic walk (answer is normally no, but I always ask.) He said yes. He asked, is there a path? I said yes, it's a popular place so there will be, but I've never been there before so can't say what it's like and given recent rain, it might be muddy.

He didn't want to set off for two hours because of something time-critical he was doing at home. Then when he was ready, I expressed my surprise that he was wearing trainers, not hiking boots. I again said it might be muddy but he replied "These are the most comfortable" so I left it.

The first part of the walk, from the car park to the woodland was on a wide, mostly flat track (suitable for wheelchairs and buggies.) At the wood itself, the path was narrower and strewn with rocks and boulders. No scrambling needed, just stepping over / around the rocks but, as expected, some areas were a bit muddy so you had to pick your way.

He was clearly unhappy, started dragging behind, said he didn't want to continue. I said "this part is the whole reason I've come here so I'm not turning back now."

At one point the path came close to a road so he said he would walk back on the road round the wood instead of through it. I knew if I stayed in the wood I wouldn't enjoy it because of worrying about him, so I also walked back on the road. Admittedly this was my choice. Then he wanted to go straight back to the car the way we had come, instead of completing the circular walk.

AIBU to feel resentful?

you are not unreasonable to be niggled by this. You are unreasonable to let it fester so just learn from it.

You go on walks alone and go where you want, or you take DH and you both compromise a bit.

I was thinking the same thing. If I slipped and made my back injury worse I would be gutted

@Ezekiela - apologies I meant not walking where it was muddy or afraid of falling when I said not wanting to do something.

Just go on your own from now on unless it a 'proper' path

Relationship is generally OK. I wasn't worried about his safety nor that he would "take it out on me" per se. He was unhappy, grumpy and a bit sulky, so I wanted to keep him as happy as possible, bearing in mind that I had already refused to turn back when the path turned from a smooth path to a track, because we had just reached the part which was the whole point of going there.

I think I do need to give more thought in future to the impact the injury had on him psychologically, not just physically.

Thank you everybody: all the comments are helpful and appreciated.

The main message I'm taking from this is to be more understanding of the fear he has regarding the injury. I thought that as it has healed, he could carry on as before, but clearly not.

I will try to find some easier, wheelchair-friendly routes to do with him until he gets his confidence back. There are a couple locally. I won't invite him to join me unless I know it's suitable terrain for him.

My dilemma now is, I am planning a holiday to Northumberland next year, but is there any point if he won't walk Hadrian's Wall or a bit of the coastal path?

@MereDintofPandiculation Yeah it's particularly dreary when the red squirrels are playing in the trees alongside, and when you get right to the end and are confronted with this view well you might as well just chuck yourself under the nearest bus instead

Can't you do the walks while he does something else?

That does look like a proper path, albeit somewhat damp underfoot in places.

I can't think of anything he would want to do that I wouldn't. I guess it's a conversation we need to have before booking.

@Ezekiela It is, I was just demonstrating what your DH might have had in his head when he asked about a path. I can confirm it gets damp and muddy in places in wet weather but nothing that couldn't be picked around in trainers if you're careful.

OP how serious was your DH injury? Is he elderly or otherwise frail?

You'll both have to compromise, or go on your own if you want a walking holiday, and then he gets a week (or whatever) to holiday wherever he likes too.

@Ezekiela I would have thought holidays should be discussed between you both? Not just planned by you? If you desperately want to go to Northumberland and he doesn't then go by yourself for a long weekend and let him do whatever he wants to do that you find boring for a long weekend. Holidays together should be something you will both enjoy - it may not be easy to find something you can both agree on but there must be something. Maybe going somewhere that will allow you to hike off the beaten track but that also offers things he likes. Obviously I don't know what he likes otherwise maybe I/we could make some suggestions.

I do holiday on my own when I want to go somewhere he doesn't; he says he doesn't mind. I've suggested that he could go somewhere without me, but he doesn't want to.

We do compromise quite well on joint holidays but they are usually city breaks.

It required surgery and physio for a while but that ended ages ago.

Middle aged and not frail.

I used to be on the other side of this.

My family, especially df liked walks. I do not. Apparently not going was missing out on wonderful family time. So I'd be "jollied" into going. I did not appreciate this.

A typical walk with my df leading would be:

1. 2-3 times as long as he'd given the impression it would be (I remember one "quick stroll for a couple of hours", asking him how much further when we'd been out for 3 hours, and he pointed to a hill in the distance. "See that hill. We're aiming for the one just beyond that." It wasn't a circular route either)
2. Include at least one pathway that was either muddy over the top of shoes level, steep, or both, and maybe overgrown with brambles too. No I didn't wear trousers, but tbf to df, he was probably wearing shorts.
3. Through a farm. Dogs love df. He'd walk through with them wagging their tails. Then they'd turn on us out of frustration that he'd gone. Or something like that.
4. Through a cow field. See above.
5. Dm's special pack lunch. That included a still-frozen drink and soggy sandwiches. My superpower includes being able to dispose of entire pack lunch sitting next to my family without them noticing. Lack of food/drink gives me migraines. Not good.
6. A very long wait while he gets the binoculars out to identify the speck in the distance which might, but probably isn't, the lesser spotted grey neck beasty. This will be in a very windy exposed place where there's nowhere to sit down. This will be repeated a few times.
7. Getting lost. Normally meaning either walking round in a circle, or him deciding there's a short cut. See point number 2.
8. Another long wait while he discusses with the local farmer the merits of the particular brand of sheep/cows/wheat they stock. Even the farmer is bored of the conversation long before df is. Repeat for unusual breeds of dog.
9. Stopping as the sun goes down so he can get a sunset photo. He has some lovely ones. Wish I'd only seen the photo.
10. Coming back after dark with no torches etc. Anyone that thinks climbing up Pendle Hill on Halloween, don't. You meet some very weirdly dressed people going up. The only advantage in this is that when you're as hopelessly lost as we were, at least there were some people to ask directions of.
11. And the hunt for the car. The car isn't where it was left. Or at any rate where he thought it was left. So a hunt in the darkness until we found it. Occasionally dm used to find a phone box first and we'd have a debate about at what point calling the police and reporting it stolen was a good idea.
12. At this point, never before, df would suddenly realise how muddy we were. Not a speck of mud should be going in the car. So we'd be brushing us off etc until we were allowed in. And then he'll moan when it's light about the mud in the car.

So when we got home, then dbr as the youngest would be sent for a bath, while the rest of us stood on newspapers so not to get mud anywhere. Dbr, as the irritating younger brother, would naturally make sure his bath went to Guinness Record Book attempts for longest bath.
Then it would be a quick baked beans on toast meal, followed by having to scrub our trainers (we only had 2 pairs of shoes normally) in order for them to be acceptable enough for PE the next day.

Tell him to stay at home and enjoy the peace.

I personally do not enjoy walking- just don't find it fun. My DH is from a family who love a walk.

On occasions where I've gone with them I am often long done before they are, so I'll go back at a point it makes sense and then I'll go and sit in the car (or the cafe if one of available), they don't come with me they continue the walk until they are ready.

You should have continued the walk and just let him go back and wait in the car. You didn't need to end your walk too..

You find some accommodation with options so you can have a couple of good walks on your own while he potters round the wheelchair friendly stuff. And a bit of Hadrians Wall with a museum so you can walk and he can mooch

Apart from the time critical task DP had to complete which delayed them 2 years. Thats a secret.

Well, I'm sure you can figure out a compromise for Northumberland too.

Honestly, I have to say it sounds like a lot of drama over very little.

Also just to add as someone who doesn't like walks who has now seen what you define as a path - that is not a path to me. I would see a path as something flat with some sort of surfacing. These can sometimes get a little
muddy but I'd expect to be fine in my trainers if someone said path.

I totally get that someone who did like walking - and who was possibly used to scrambling - might see that as a path though.

It is just a difference in understanding.

It required surgery and physio for a while but that ended ages ago.
Middle aged and not frail.

I see. I am genuinely amazed at him, and so many posters, describing that path as rough or difficult.

Me too, but it has given me an insight into his mind. It's not as if I'm asking him to do Striding Edge.

But if you asked him to so Striding Edge, he'd know to say "Fuck no, are you out of your tiny mind?!?!" But if you say there's a footpath he can visualise something that isn't treacherous, and be misled into saying yes.