Difficult situation with sister and nephew

[Sunshineandalltherainbows]

I feel really bad even writing this but I am finding my 4 year old nephew absolutely impossible to be around. His behaviour is poor. My sister must be struggling, says she isn't and it's all normal boy behaviour bit it's not. She often will say he's only 4. When he was she used to say he's only 3.

It's having a huge impact on my family's relationship with her.

For example, it was my son's birthday (who has asd) and we were all eating birthday cake round my parents. My nephew grabbed my son's cake of his plate put it in his mouth and then spat it out on my son's plate. I said that's disgusting don't ever do that again. My son was in tears about it as he hates any form of contamination if his stuff. My sister then said I was wrong to say anything to nephew as he's only 4 and it was only a problem because my son's autism. I'm not being funny but anyone regards of needs would have been bothered about that happening to their food.

We've now been asked about Christmas plans and I just don't want to be around my sister and nephew. He constantly breaks things on purpose and laughs, hits everyone, shouts and screams when told no by parents as my sister never says no.

My parents are struggling too as they don't like their things getting broken.

If I ever mention anything to my sister about his behaviour she becomes extremely defensive but I just can't stand their company at the moment and I feel terrible for saying that. Not sure what to do further but limiting contact seems for the best at the moment.

I haven't read the whole thread I'm afraid, but as a teacher, if a young child said this in my hearing it would be a safeguarding red flag. Dad is either a total idiot or there is more going on in that family than you're aware of. Is your sister OK?

Will your mum agree to see your children in your home, or will she totally side with your sister and refuse to visit if your sister and nephew aren't invited, thus sacrificing her relationship with your children?

@Tittat50

stop making things up hun!

@thepariscrimefiles yes I hear you on that. I'll edit the language.

I feel for all the family.

OP, if she won't hear it ref the ASD/ADHD suggestion you can't do any more at all really. She won't listen and you're suffering. She's probably in denial at this stage.

Your DSis needs help. I know a family very like this, only the little boy is older, and his mum has to lock herself in the bathroom whenever he gets angry, because she is in fear for her life (he tells her he will kill her. He's 8). Unfortunately he is fine at school (probably masking like hell) although very manipulative with other children but because his behaviour is fine, his mum is getting no help. Her house is in ruins. her son pees on the furniture in defiance, smashes up the furniture and wrecks all family get togethers. We suspect PDA, but his mum is in denial and we are all on tenterhooks for when he gets taller and stronger than her.

But until she admits that there is a problem and seeks help, there is nothing anyone can do.

Absolutely stay away! Omg I can't believe the punch your lights out comment

OP it's clear in everything that you've written that you still love your sister and that you'd like to find a way through that results in nephew not ruining everything in sight so that you can have good times together as a wider family. Unfortunately when you're banging your head against a brick wall there has to be a point where you recognise that it's time to stop.

Stop giving her so much headspace. Your priority has to be your own children and your husband. They - particularly the DC - are actively suffering at the hands of the nephew and it's not fair to them to keep putting them in that position. Have your quiet calm Christmas, with or without seeing your parents on the day (that it's damaging their relationship isn't your problem to solve either).

So far there have been very few consequences for your sister's lack of parenting. So while you might express frustration and annoyance she has no obvious evidence that it goes as deep as it does so she can happily brush it off. It's time for action, not words. You can't have it all ways, you're going to have to make a choice.

Keep to yourselves for Christmas.
Have a lovely quiet morning and lunch.

Suggest meeting at a park, with robust out door toys, after lunch where the children can run off their Christmas dinner, exchange gifts and see their grandparents..

Probably once DN starts school he will learn more manners and socialisation skills through watching other kids and having clear boundaries set.

Oh that's frustrating that I can't edit. I think if someone quotes you're then unable to edit your original. Apologies to you OP. But you get the drift I hope and it sounds like you've spotted it yourself anyway ref your nephew.

Whoever just called me hun. Aw thankyou, gives me the warm and fluffies. ❤️

I agree you can't really say 100% on anything in fairness.

Up to when they’re 4 literally is the time to teach them. By the time they’re turning 5 they’re at school, the social groups are forming and the window of opportunity to develop a reputation for being a nice kid who you want to hang out with, among their peers and their parents, is starting to close. Even if he turned into the nicest kid in the world of his own accord, that reputation stays with you.

He sounds awful.

Your sister, if she is always at your parents clearly isn't coping.

She wants the parents to 'amuse' their nightmare Grandchild.

Sounds like very weak parenting, especially the nonsense about ''He's only Three'' or ''He's only Four''....

When will that end?

''He's only 36!''

Age being given as an excuse doesn't wash.

It's up to your sister to actively parent her child in age appropriate ways, so her child isn't the kid that others roll their eyes and sigh about, when they hear he is going to be there.

No one will like him at school either, if his anti~social behaviour isn't reined in now.

why is it obvious he has sn? the parent doesnt disipline thats whats wrong not everyone is just undiagnose some are just naughtt

one of my children has started to say oh I'm only 10 in a joking way when told to swap seats or give tv remote to nephew and my sister gets angry.

🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant!

Everyone should take a leaf out of your child’s book and do this.

We have always been round my parents quite a lot and would pop in. They've been retired for 10 years now and so have always been around. When I say my sister is round there all the time I mean all the time. She even asks when my parents are going on holiday and books a holiday for the same time.

My dad comes to our house when he goes for walks. My mum has always liked everyone to go to hers as she loves hosting and they have a big house so It's more comfortable for everyone and just kind of became the thing to do. I will invite my parents round mine more.

We're a really close family so I would never go no contact. I just need a little space and break as the behaviour is full on for us all.

Sadly, the internet is full of parents videos of their kids behaving like this☹️ They teach little ones to full-on swear and be inappropriate and then it’s filmed and out there forever… really depressing.

I would avoid them all like the plague and be thankful that your own DC can see how horrible this behaviour is, and can actually mock it.

Christmas… I’d try and see your Mum and Dad quietly, and just excuse yourselves from anything your DSis tries to push for. I must admit I couldn’t bear this sort of behaviour (both from parents and their child) and would be withdrawing from nephews company. There will be a real change when he gets to school, and if nothing changes soon, he will be known as “that kid” and that’s a real shame at a young age.

He wasn’t born naughty - it’s that his behaviour has never been checked, it’s actually being encouraged and enabled - and frankly, this is disgraceful.

Maybe just present a united front and say ''We are concerned about your son's behaviour, can you please be more proactive around his behaviour?''

Some parents if in the company of other responsible adults leave their child to do what it likes, assuming others will keep the child safe, or keep the child entertained.

Behave!

Nephew will end up a druggy and a criminal in later life.

This is it in a nutshell, in my opinion.

Because whenever dad is around, he thinks it is absolutely hilarious when his son carries on like this, he gets a reaction - doesn't matter what form the reaction is, he gets it. So your nephew continues behaving like this because his mother won't (or isn't firm enough in her delivery and possible consequences of his actions) step in and say no and his dad doesn't seem to mind it.

It is such a pity because if he had firmer and easy boundaries in place, the transition to school would be so much easier. I can see your sister and her husband having to make many journeys to school to sort out issues. The school will have the picture of the situation before too long.

You need to have a chat with your sister, and if she takes it however she takes it, that's up to her, you can't help with that. You can deliver the message gently but you cannot work out how she is going to receive it. She needs to hear it before her son goes to school. She still has time to make changes.

As for Christmas - I'd make whatever arrangements you need to have a quiet peaceful one where your family (you, your DH and your kids) are happy.

You have the right plan

Christmas activities with them should be out of your house, like the light walk you suggested.

Lessen contact with them, see your parents separately

you could easily have your parents over on the 23rd dec or whatever and let your kids open presents from the GPs

i would just say you want to do Christmas Day just your own family in your own house

Good point.

There was a child like this in my child's primary class. Always in trouble, would hurt other children, do and say silly things. The other children didn't like him. I privately thought there might be some additional needs and felt a bit sorry for the parents. One day when my DS was 9, said child got hold of DS's shoe at after-school club and threw it over the fence into neighbouring back gardens. When I arrived to pick up DS the mother of the child said I'm afraid Johnny has been a silly boy and thrown Billy's shoe. Can I give you £50 to replace them? Of course I said I wouldn't take the £50 and that we were going to go and ring on people's doorbells and ask if we could look in the gardens for the shoe. Her response? Oh OK then. No attempt to explain to her son that what he had done was anything other than 'silly'. No attempt to get him to apologise. No insistence that he should help look for the shoe. I was shocked. They moved away soon after, but that year group still talks about 'Johnny Smith'. I really wonder how that turned out - I still think there may have been some ADHD, but her parenting really didn't help. Your sister needs to develop stronger boundaries for her DS for HIS sake as well as everyone else's, otherwise he'll be very unpopular at school.

Maybe she knows her child is possibly also on the spectrum but doesn't want to acknowledge it, so she says "he's only 4"

He sounds developmentally behind other children who have learnt not to spit and hit at that age. How's his speech? Does he go to nursery?

I could be way off the mark but I know from experience parents can be in denial when thier children are not neuro-typical and "he's only 4" is a way to excuse behaviour and not face that it might be ASD.

@Keiththecatwithamagichat this 100%.

You only have a few minutes to edit a post then it times out.