To wish we hadn’t bought this house

[wishihadntgottgishouse]

I’ve had this thought for a long time now. 2.5 years ago we bought a detached property in a new build area. Tbh we were desperately looking for a home and at that time a house would come on and be sold within days. It was so hard finding a home. I really never liked it but as DH kept pointing out it’s his money and I don’t contribute (I’m a stay at home mum but have gone to work part time when kids in school recently).

the thing is the elderly neighbour next to us keeps telling me we got scammed as he’s got the exact same house (new builds all the same) and he paid considerably less than us. He bought his 6 months before us. He keeps telling us other neighbours who bought a better home paid less than us. So we’re the second family to live here and we paid £190k more than the first family who bought it 4 years ago before us. I don’t know how to get over this. I feel really embarrassed when neighbour brings it up. My husband has let the house get ruined as the paintwork had chipped of and shower leaking has caused marks in hallway ceiling. I’m embarrassed of having anyone come in. Everytime I try to speak to him he tells me to use my own money to fix the problems. I’ve only just gone to work and I don’t earn much.

The best thing you can do with your neighbour is ignore him. Houses only really have a value when you want to sell them otherwise its your home.

We had similar goading from my Aunty, they bought their ex council house and it was valued around d £100,000 our house was valued £60k at the time but it wasn't relevant. She would go on and on about it, it was annoying at the time. Fast forward to today house is on market and been valued at £145k my aunty's next door neighbours house sold last year for £110k.

Your husband sounds awful.

He's talking bullshit, and as other people have said, house prices increased massively during that time. No house in the UK depreciates in value over a standard mortgage period. In another 20 years it will be worth nearly double what it is now.

Just a few points for you to ponder on.

Your husband has not had to pay for childcare, a PA to deal with life issues, a cleaner or a chef for the 12 years of your marriage because you fulfilled of all those roles saving the communal family wealth fund many many thousands of pounds. This has enabled him to focus on his career at the expense of YOUR career, while he came home to a clean home, clean clothes, happy kids and a hot supper. That has been your financial contribution to the marriage and you need to remind him of it.

You may have separate bank accounts but most of your expenses that are joint need to be covered by both contributing , pro rata to your earnings, to a joint account.

By allowing the house to fall into disrepair he is throwing money down the drain, a silly thing to do with your biggest financial asset.

In the event of his death by defenestration, poisoned mushroom pilaff or damaged car brakes the house will be yours, then you can sell up, and buy somewhere with better neighbours.

He sounds like a bully, and a financially incompetent one at that.

There are two different issues with the OP original message.

The first one is her husband being an arsehole. The second one is her listening to neighbours and what they paid in the past instead of knowing how the housing market keeps increasing, specially since Covid.

Also, OP, if it helps: our place was sold new in Dec 2018 to the first owners for £355k. We bought it from them in Jan 2022 for £475k and considered ourselves fortunate to have got hold of it. Your neighbour is a massive stirrer

Your husband needs a wake up call about what he fondly imagines is “his” money. As others have pointed out, assets are owned jointly in a marriage.

As for him saying you don't contribute, present him with a monthly bill for all the services you provide, including childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, plus loads more, and tell him that this is your contribution that facilitates him working, and it would be counted as such in the divorce court.

Also, tell him that household maintenance and decorating isn't included in your housekeeping contribution, so he'd better start contributing to a decorating fund.

And don't be coerced into working more hours AND still doing all the housework and childcare. Does he do any of this at all?
If you increase your hours, I hope you do it to amass a leaving fund, but in any case, he will need to contribute to a cleaner, childcare and do more around the house.

He sounds bloody horrible and bullying, and I do hope that you will feel empowered enough by this thread to put a stop to it, or else LTB.

You could practice a bit by telling your obnoxious neighbour to fuck off, you've heard it all before.

Forget your neighbour. He is a rather spiteful individual who appears to lack an understanding of house price rises. Its obviously annoying to buy on the upward curve, but if you need to buy at a certain time, there's not much you can do about it. Unless you were FTB you probably made more on your previous house sale than your neighbours. As others have said, your bigger problem here is your marriage. Your husband does not respect you as an equal and sounds resentful if you not earning. Your best bet is to work towards financial independence by increasing your work so you can look after yourself and make your own decisions either with or without him in your life.

Do you know what complacent means?

Never mind the house, it's the husband that's the problem.

It sounds like you’re being bullied by both your husband and your neighbour.

What sort of person discusses the price of their house in this context anyway? My neighbour bought their house (same floor plan than ours) for considerably less than we paid 10 years later. They’ve since put an extension on their house and it’s worth a lot more than ours. Funnily enough we’ve never discussed this and they’ve never acted like arseholes over it. The only reason I know is by looking at Zoopla online.

house prices consistently rise, some more than others, so paying more shouldn't make you feel scammed. Another way to look at it, if you pay say 500k, you sell at 500k you need somewhere to live, which will cost roughly 500k, the point i am trying to make is, the value of the property you live in is mostly an imaginary comfort blanket... Maybe like mentioned above, don't talk to the neighbour!|0|

Your husband and neighbour are both assholes who aren’t respectful of you. Your neighbour is getting joy out of taunting you. Your husband enjoys lording it over you.

You're DH is a shit. He might have paid for the house but you're the one who has made it into a home. The time you spend taking care of your DCs and your home has a definite monetary value. If you died, your DH would have to outsource your role to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds per year!

From a financial perspective, it's lucky you're married because 50% of everything he has is yours, in the eyes of the law.

From an emotional perspective, it's awful that you're married to such a nasty, mean spirited bastard.

In my experience, if someone is mean with money then they're always mean in many other ways, too. I bet your DH makes you suffer a hundred tiny acts of meaness every week, and your DC too?

You 100% do not have to live like this. Don't live half a life.

This isn’t about the house or your neighbour.

Sadly OP you won’t accept or listen to everyone on here about what the real problem is.

If you divorced both your perceived problems and your actual one would disappear.

Stop talking to the neighbour. He sounds a bore and you are far too sensitive to his commentary.

Houses are worth what someone is willing to pay for it. You seemingly bought in a 'hot' market so you paid a premium. But you needed a house and you got one. So long as you can afford the mortgage and you are happy to stay in the house for a few more years I wouldn't be too concerned. Long term it will likely balance out.

All houses, even the ones you love with body and soul are shit when you first move in and need work to maintain them. If worst issues you have are a bit of cosmetic paint work then these are easily resolved.

Anyone who is genuinely your friend will not give a shit about your paint work. Likely they won't even notice especially if you pour them a very large glass of wine. I recommend you spend more time doing this btw, you sound like you need some support/perspective other than Mr Neighbour.

How well do you understand your family finances? How much disposable income do you have for fixing the paint work? If money is tight and your husband is concerned about budgeting then maybe there isn't the funds for it at the moment. But he could communicate that rather than snip at you to pay for it. If you're rolling in it and money no object then yes he's an arse.

Ultimately your marriage is inequitable and you have no power because you're not earning. I'd focus on trying to improve your income and then you have more scope to make decisions.

Stop fretting about the opinion of someone irrelevant, and start planning how to take control of your financial situation.

If you divorced your husband your settlement would be from the starting point of 50% of the equity value of your home, and 50% of other monies and assets, because you are married. Your contribution of child raising is valued as equal to his work. Then your children would receive maintenance from him too.

He is being abusive by not freely sharing the family money pot now and in the past. I doubt he has been paying contributions into your private pension whilst you were not working / part-time, has he?

You are not Cinderella. What can you do to take back control?

It’s none of his business.

You probably have not overpaid. New build companies always sell the first release of properties cheaper…think of it like tickets on a ship..then later properties are all dearer. Then house prices rise sometimes a lot and sometimes less.You can only buy when you want a house at the prevailing market rate.

You are focusing on your house when your real problem is your husband. A house is worth what people are willing to pay for it at the time, and that's what you were willing to pay. It will go up eventually. The problem is that your husband seems to be financially abusing you. You look after his children which is work. How much would he be paying in childcare if you weren't around? Do you know that other couples who have children pool their money and work to pay for things together?

Maybe you are disappointed because you wanted the house to feel like a happy family home, but no house you ever live in will feel like that because your husband is a shit head.

Honestly if I was you I would consider leaving him and then you will get half the money from the house, buy yourself a new house, and you can get the maintenance money you deserve from your cheap arse husband. Contact women's aid and ask them for advice.

Nailed answer immediately

You have a husband problem not a house problem.

He does realise that half of it is yours, though? In the event of a divorce and financial settlement?

Starting point on negotiation is 50/50, and assumes you enter the marriage in the 'spirit' of this at the very least. Not to mention his pension, which you are also entitled to a percentage of, given that you're stay at home to raise his family and facilitate his career, at the expense of your career and future financial wellbeing. Because you did that in the 'spirirt' of marriage too.

Where do they get the fucking audacity, that's what I wonder.

Sorry.

House prices go up. Especially with the demand you described. Politely ask the neighbour to stop this now. It's not helpful. Maybe point out you'll sell it for another 100k more.

Ignore the neighbour. He’s clearly obsessed and anxious about house prices. And he’s transferring his anxiety to you. I had a neighbour like this only he was obsessed with his roof. My house wasn’t even attached to his but had the same roof and he went on and on about it every time he saw me, frequently had a roofer round to fix things at his house, advising me about what needed doing to my roof, was searching reclamation yards for spare tiles etc.

if he starts on change the subject to the weather or say you are in a rush due to an appointment

How much would your husband have to pay for a full-time nanny and housekeeper for "his" children/home?
THAT'S your monetary worth, if it's that important for him to know.
And yes, he's a dick. It's not "his" house, it's equally yours because you're married. He would find this out pretty sharpish if you were to divorce.