Wibu to pull my daughter from certain classes

[PepaWepa]

My daughter's year 3. I wrote a post recently regarding ADHD.. to cut a long story short, I've been bringing ADHD up to the school since March 2022 but have been dismissed and ignored with it. At parents evening recently, looking through her books, I noticed her English book was simply full of negative, demotivating comments regarding her work. I enter the parents evening meeting, and they start by telling me how good she is at English, with reading level age of 11 and reading comprehension age of 12.
So I asked about the comments in the book, and they go on to list all the signs of ADHD for why she's not finishing her work etc etc and receiving such comments.
I haven't been able to let it go since, I'm absolutely fuming that they've let her struggle and even more so I'm devastated that my daughter is being left to feel shit at recieving such negative comments in a subject she is so highly capable at. She's so sensitive and I have noticed more recently that she gets frustrated and embarrassed now when she's not able to do something right first time. I feel like all of this has to be contributing.

I want to pull her out of her English classes until they accept and support her properly with an ADHD diagnosis.

To add as I think it's relevant, I also have suspected ADHD, and was expelled from a school age 14 following an incident in English class re me not finishing my work on time. I won't let my daughter face what I had to go through.

In education there is a real push to always look for what’s wrong, some old school marking policies seem to want a lot of green pen in books telling children what they should ‘do next’ but it can come across very negatively and have a negative impact on children with low self-esteem or who find it difficult to take criticism (children with ADHD can find this more difficult) I work in an SEMH school and am often picked up for the lack of such comments in my marking - I still don’t do it though as I agree with you OP, it isn’t helpful. If she is consistently not completing work than the method of teaching isn’t working and they need to look at that, not just continue to write negative comments in green pen in her book. It serves no purpose and (from what I see from students who have come from main stream) ends up doing more harm than good.

I have a family member going through this so I sympathise. The school actually referred the child to an education psychologist who reported that they display all the signs of ADHD and it was very likely that they have it, but they were unwilling to commit to a diagnosis because they were only 5 upon assessment.

The school find the child's behaviour difficult to manage because they don't have the resources to support them. They can't get the SEN support until there's a diagnosis but even then they don't sound hopeful that it will cover what they need.

If you can I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss how you feel they could be supporting your child better, while recognising that they have a whole class to manage. Keep advocating for your child!

Reinforce handwriting skills at home as my grandsons parents did if there's no time in class.

I don't put any school pressure on her.

My daughter also doesn't play fight.

If they don't have time for handwriting then:
1 - work is a bit slow in class, which should worry you
2 - it sounds like something you could help her with at home.

Ask school to recommend some resources she can work with at home. There are different types of handwriting styles - it's really important she is learning the one that school expect her to learn and not a different one.

Have you checked her pen grip? A good pen grip helps with speed of writing

What outcome are you hoping for with your own ADHD assessment? You may/may not get the diagnosis- but how would that change your life as an adult?

Written feedback is very old hat. Ofsted didn't look at it at all when they were in our school recently. Y3s don't read most of it so it's pointless. Crucially though, I don't mark for other people to make judgements from it; it is for the child and child only. Parents and anyone else reading it are only getting half the story because it's in conjunction with far more verbal feedback. I'm not wasting time writing what has already been said in person - that time is much better spent helping children's education in other ways.

does she write the spellings out as part of the homework? Often that is expected - they write them out 3 times to help them learn then. Some schools would expect them handed in

You're complaining to the school constantly IS pressure. Children are very perceptive to these things. How do you not see that?

You don't know what she does or doesn't do at school - you are not there. Your daughter doesn't play fight at home. That's as far as you know. Your attitude well and truly sucks OP. Take the feedback before it's too late for your daughter and you have already caused the relationship with the school to breakdown.

Your daughter may well play fight at school. Just because she doesn’t at home or in front of you doesn’t mean she doesn’t at school.

So many parents insist “my child doesn’t do x / y / z” - believe me when I say they often do at school.

They're not asked to write them out at home or hand them in, just to learn them, (they're put on the school app each week), although I do get her to write them out as we're learning them.

She's not aware of my complaints.

I can categorically tell you that my daughter doesn't play fight.

From what you’ve said, the marking sounds pretty standard for Y3. In lower primary most feedback is given during the lesson anyway.
You’re clearly unhappy with the school and your own experiences are clouding your judgement. I think the marking scenario is just something you are able to actually use as an example.
I doubt the relationship you have with the school will improve unless you back off even if they do change the way they mark your DDs book.
You either need to change your mindset and trust the school or you leave - which you’ve said you won’t do.

Where do you find the time to micromanage every aspect of your daughter's day in school? It all sounds very unhealthy for you and her and a very unproductive and anxiety-inducing way to spend your day.

Maybe consider finding other things to do when she's at school, instead of brooding at home, about perceived injustices.

Good that she's writing them out at home then. You can check her pen grip. Does she write the words easily and smoothly? Or does she seem to struggle with the basic task of writing out spellings?

Crickey calm the fuck down

Where do you find the time to micromanage every aspect of your daughter's day in school?

Can I ask what's given you this idea based on what I've said. Re a red card she came home with a year ago and a parents evening recently.

If you want to and can home educate I really wouldn't worry about the social side of things. I pulled my daughter out of school because she has adhd and school did nothing to support. There are so many amazing groups she has a much fuller social life now than she eve did at school. No negative comments from school or teachers that she isn't learning in their exact way and has so much more time to learn in ways that work for her.

Oh she is. I always knew when my parents had complained to the school because of the shift in treatment from the teachers, comments made etc. They were complaining about serious things (mainly racist incidents), but I always knew. As I got older I stopped telling them about school incidents because I didn't want them to complain. Not saying my parents were wrong to complain in those situations, but I knew without them telling me and took the decision to stop communicating on some important social issues with them because of that.

So a positive thing that you can do is be really proactive in her learning at home.

Most schools have weekly spellings to learn. They won't necessarily spoon feed the parents to say write them out and practice them, but is what they are expecting you to do.

So get her to write out each work in a sentence at home. That way you are also tackling handwriting.

The school day is really crammed and schools don't have time to do everything. Parents evening is to tell you things that you focus on helping her with at home. They've said handwriting so spend time on the handwriting.

If you need help and guidance on what sort of things to do at home, then ask the school how you can best support her at home, and they can suggest activities etc.

You need to take responsibility for her learning and supporting her

I agree but will point out that the handwriting etc wasn't mentioned to me. I asked them about it based on the comments in her book. If I hadn't, it wouldn't have been brought to my attention, likewise with the way she behaves in English (and why I can't say for sure if it applies to all other lessons). They were very positive to me about her abilities, which is why I asked why the comments in her book don't match up to that. They then listed the signs I've mentioned. Otherwise, it would not have been brought to my attention.

how does she behave in English? I'm not sure that you've said in your posts - although I'm guessing it's that she's a slow writer and appears unfocussed on getting the work complete?

If you live next door to a school and the school is a new one, built for the children who live on the estate, I can see how that is going to make them a close knit and supportive small community.

If a teacher uses a phrase like ‘good try’, I can’t see how that is negative. It’s acknowledging the effort put into the work. Other comments may well be pointers to improve in future writing, given the requirements of the curriculum. If she keeps on making the same mistakes, doesn’t extend her writing and nothing is mentioned, how will she know what and how to improve her work. Making mistakes and learning from them is how we get better at doing things.

Handwriting is something she can practise at any time, not just in a specific lesson.

I think a reasoned conversation with the school about what works to refocus your daughter, whether movement breaks will help, what works at home that they could usefully do there and what interventions would be helpful to her, is your best bet.

You need to work with the school and that’s the message your daughter needs too. Not the impression that you’re fighting them. A diagnosis won’t change anything. What will effect change, is to develop strategies that will help her to focus and progress. If she meets the criteria for additional support in the form of an EHCP or being on the SEN register in school, evidence of need is what’s required and evidence of what makes things better and what doesn’t.

If you don’t want to do that, your alternatives are to find another school and start the process again, or to home educate. It’s important to think about what is best for your child and what will be of most benefit to her.

But parents evening is a conversation. For you to raise things and then discuss them. So exactly the right thing happened?

Getting distracted often
Getting up and going off to do something else
Not following her story map and 'going off on a tangent'