Wibu to pull my daughter from certain classes

[PepaWepa]

My daughter's year 3. I wrote a post recently regarding ADHD.. to cut a long story short, I've been bringing ADHD up to the school since March 2022 but have been dismissed and ignored with it. At parents evening recently, looking through her books, I noticed her English book was simply full of negative, demotivating comments regarding her work. I enter the parents evening meeting, and they start by telling me how good she is at English, with reading level age of 11 and reading comprehension age of 12.
So I asked about the comments in the book, and they go on to list all the signs of ADHD for why she's not finishing her work etc etc and receiving such comments.
I haven't been able to let it go since, I'm absolutely fuming that they've let her struggle and even more so I'm devastated that my daughter is being left to feel shit at recieving such negative comments in a subject she is so highly capable at. She's so sensitive and I have noticed more recently that she gets frustrated and embarrassed now when she's not able to do something right first time. I feel like all of this has to be contributing.

I want to pull her out of her English classes until they accept and support her properly with an ADHD diagnosis.

To add as I think it's relevant, I also have suspected ADHD, and was expelled from a school age 14 following an incident in English class re me not finishing my work on time. I won't let my daughter face what I had to go through.

You don't like the school. You dont think its the right environment for your child. You don't like the ethos. You definitely dont feel like there is a partnership between you as the parents and the school to best support the child.

But you won't move her to another school.

If you aren't going to move here then you are going to have to come up with another strategy and work with the school rather than against it.

If she's at the school then you are going to have to try and work with their way of doing things. Eg supporting her to not get distracted in her writing by practising focused writing following a plan at home etc.

There’s often quite a large chasm between reading and writing ability. Being good at one does not mean being good at the other!

Because I've taken on board that the comments may be seen as normal by other teachers after reading their comments, in the sense of pointing out where she's going wrong. It's lots of 'good try' and 'don't do this' etc but a complete lack of anything positive or balanced.

Does your daughter have siblings? How do you know what she does and doesn't do in a school environment?

From your posts it seems you have a tendency to catastrophise every incident - you need to decide what's most important and work with the school to improve those. Not make things a battleground (your posts come across as though you are fighting them all the time). Also recognise that they have many children and they can't prioritise your daughter all the time.

Is she happy at school generally? Not sure I understand where your concerns lie. You say she excels at both English and maths (the core primary school subjects). She's had the school referral for ADHD. What's your concern then? Is she being bullied? Is she anxious and refusing to go to school in the mornings? From everything you've said she sounds well adjusted and although she presents signs of ADHD it's not having any major impact on her outcomes at this stage.

You're one of those parents whose child can never do anything wrong.... Right.

Suddenly I see where the issue lies, and it's not with the school.

No. My daughter just doesn't play fight. End of story.

It’s amazing how many parents say “not my child” even when adults have witnessed things. Sometimes children do daft things, sometimes children do things that are out of character. It happens! Especially in people with ADHD!

This isn’t workable-do you want her withdrawn from any written lesson? There’s plenty of writing in history/geography/science! What if they finish off literacy at another time? Swap timetables?

I can’t imagine any school allowing this-it’s all or nothing.

If the school is ‘genuinely awful’, take her out.

Most progress ismade during lessons by teacher's verbal comments and interactions.
Do you know how these are?

@PepaWepa changing direction slightly - does she get written homework? Does she get it finished and hand it in on time?

Shocking! Ask for a refund.

LOL how is “good try” demotivating? They are totally normal comments and she’d receive the same at whatever school she went to. The problem here is YOU. Your DD hasn’t even complained, not that you have mentioned anyway. I feel sorry for her. She is an only child who has a highly strung mum with “social problems” who is threatening to pull her out of her class several times a week because she doesn’t like what the teachers wrote in her book. If she isn’t already, she will be absolutely mortified by you. Seriously, get help for your issues or whatever you need but please do not continue projecting it onto your poor daughter.

There's no written homework. It's spellings and timetables to learn for a test each week.

you feel

Not your daughter. You haven't actually asked her.

If you are dissatisfied with the education that your child is being provided then I would de register her from the school.

Whilst applying for alternative schools I would send her to home-ed forest groups and tutoring where she can enjoy making friends and learning.

And has your daughter ever mentioned the comments in her book, and that she's upset by them?

Or is the first time you thought there was an issue when you saw the books?

She may well not be bothered by the comments because that is what everyone gets in their books, ways to improve.

Often the positive feedback is given verbally and the comments in books are things to work on to improve next time.

This is very much a you problem. It would seem that the comments are not in fact negative and you believe your daughter is an angel. I suspect any school she goes to will not be good enough

My grandson was like this in English as were three others in his year. The school promptly referred to Senco who duly did their job. Their conclusion was that it's an age thing not ADHD.

His parents have given him extra work at home to improve his concentration which has worked.

He's much better than he was which is partly parental effort, partly his level of maturity increasing.

Did you want to see Excellent work written in her book? It seems after seeing some of your responses it is definitely you projecting on your child. I mean this kindly work on yourself first.

Those aren't negative comments, they are completely normal.

You don't like the school. That's OK. But if you are going to continue to send your child there for the next almost four years then you need to support their approach.

It's the fact that every single comment was good try. Or pointing out the negatives. There was no positive reinforcement in there. They commented on her handwriting, yet her handwriting book was next to empty. I asked about this and they said they don't have enough time for handwriting. It doesn't make sense why they'd be pulling her up on something yet not working with her on that in that subject/area.

Good Try is a positive comment? What is it you want, exactly?

Not necessarily but I would expect it to be more balanced and motivating considering what they've told me in person.

As someone who was diagnosed with ADHD I am warning you, it's YOU that will do damage to your daughter and make history repeat itself. My doctor told me that the reason I was able to succeed in life in certain aspects (i.e. excellent results in school, just about survived uni and professional training), where many with undiagnosed ADHD would have struggled is because my parents created a relaxed home environment and put no school pressure on me. Parents are often the ones that tip the iceberg and cause put stress on their ADHD children.

Your constant moaning and complaining and excuses for your daughter will damage her relationship with the school and teachers (who appear to be doing a great job), and will make her feel under pressure from you.

Also you have no idea what your daughter does and doesn't do at school - you're not there! How dismissive is your attitude?! The teachers must be so sick of your constant moaning. You have a daughter with undiagnosed ADHD who is excelling at both English and maths (that's incredible!) and yet all you do is complain about her teachers. Not once have you given the teachers any credit for the fact they have managed to keep your daughter sufficiently interested in school for her to be doing so well academically. Ungrateful and rude - if you carry on you will pass that attitude on to your daughter.