Wibu to pull my daughter from certain classes

[PepaWepa]

My daughter's year 3. I wrote a post recently regarding ADHD.. to cut a long story short, I've been bringing ADHD up to the school since March 2022 but have been dismissed and ignored with it. At parents evening recently, looking through her books, I noticed her English book was simply full of negative, demotivating comments regarding her work. I enter the parents evening meeting, and they start by telling me how good she is at English, with reading level age of 11 and reading comprehension age of 12.
So I asked about the comments in the book, and they go on to list all the signs of ADHD for why she's not finishing her work etc etc and receiving such comments.
I haven't been able to let it go since, I'm absolutely fuming that they've let her struggle and even more so I'm devastated that my daughter is being left to feel shit at recieving such negative comments in a subject she is so highly capable at. She's so sensitive and I have noticed more recently that she gets frustrated and embarrassed now when she's not able to do something right first time. I feel like all of this has to be contributing.

I want to pull her out of her English classes until they accept and support her properly with an ADHD diagnosis.

To add as I think it's relevant, I also have suspected ADHD, and was expelled from a school age 14 following an incident in English class re me not finishing my work on time. I won't let my daughter face what I had to go through.

You are paying zero attention to what people (many of them teachers) are telling you on here. Do you also refuse to listen to your DD's school and teacher?

No I'm not, as I said in my previous comment, I've taken these on board.
And no, if I refused to listen to them, I would have continued to pursue the diagnosis long ago. As it happens, I did listen to them and didn't pursue it (which ironically I've now been attacked for on here).

Are you projecting OP? Was there an issue for you around English and negative comments when you were at school?

Okay so you’re going to remove her from one subject based on comments in a book but you don’t actually know how she’s performing across the board.

Have you observed an English lesson? How do you know those are the only feedback comments she gets?? If she gets up and wanders around, should the teacher not encourage her to finish her work?

what do you actually want for your DD growing up? Do you want her to pass exams and have good career options. Because for that, she will need to do well at school and although she might need adjustments for SEN, she still needs to do her work and pass exams and focus. That’s what her teachers are trying to do too and it might involve picking up on errors in the book (because then parents can see where things are going wrong too, as can TAs).

If you don’t like the school, change it.

It sounds like she's doing really well at school and has some good friends.

Is the issue the comments written in her English book? And the lack of support with the ADHD diagnosis?

Overall I think this can all be resolved. I think there's some harsh comments in here but like you said, you do feel sensitive on these topics probably because of your own experiences, which is understandable. I find myself feeling a similar way about my own experiences and having to talk myself down.

Sorry OP I didn't read the whole thread and seems like I'm not the only one who says you're projecting. What were your experiences at school? Did you get negative comments on your work and it demotivated you? At what age?

I see you've cherry picked from my post. Try and read the rest of it.

Your past experiences are your own to live with, or to process and let go. Don't make your DD keep hold of them too. These are not her burdens to carry.

Go and find a professional counsellor to speak to. There are counsellors who specialise in issues around ASD. You'll find a listening ear and a space where you can detangle what happened to you from your DDs life.

Have you thought about supporting the school and telling your daughter to try and focus a bit harder and get on with her writing??

💯 agree with this!

This.
I'm not, however, disputing that your daughter has ADHD. Diagnosis for girls is much harder to come by, due to their struggles presenting differently from boys. Less disruptive to others for example.

The school can't diagnose ADHD. If it's just presenting in English lessons, it's unlikely to be ADHD. If you're really worried, book a meeting with the SENCO and discuss your concerns.
The school will have a marking policy and they will be marking according to this.
You still haven't given an example of these "demoralising" comments.
You can't pull her from a subject. All you're going to do is ruin your relationship with her teachers.

Is the ADHD only presenting in english lessons?

What are the negative comments? I've never seen any negative comments in my dd's books, it's always framed in a positive way. So if they are demotivating I'd be making a formal complaint to the school.

Across the board she's doing well. What I meant by that, was that I didn't see the comment specifically in her History book. That's my overall point though, she is doing well. She is a bright student and has the potential to do very well in her education. I don't want her demotivated because her struggles are misunderstood.

what do you actually want for your DD growing up? Do you want her to pass exams and have good career options.

Well that would be ideal, but honestly, all I want is to make sure she's happy in life. I would rather she's happy and supported even if she wasn't a bright student who didn't do well, than the alternative.

It's not that it's only presenting in English, I think it's the level of focus in writing that English requires. Some here have suggested having breaks may be a good idea which I would definitely support.

Senco have now referred her so that's a non-issue now. It's the fact they've brought all of this up whilst knowing my concerns but have not supported her in that area.

You can't remove her from English because there's no provision in England for children to be withdrawn from specific subjects. And it's impossible practically. What would she do when everyone else was doing English? Who would supervise her. I think you said you would, but again how would that work practically. You won't get anywhere with school if you suggest it. Also how would she feel, if that happened. She would immediately be different everyone else and children really don't like that. I think you need to go back to school and talk more about what's going on. Ask to speak to the SENCO. You could think about moving schools. You could think about getting a tutor.

She hits greater depth but she could be extending things more. Her writing could be even better, she could write longer pieces with more detail rather than procrastinate starting, rushing and writing half of what she could do. She could get 100% on maths questions rather than always forgetting to complete a question or two or skimming the question etc.

I appreciate with 30 children in a class she's not a priority but it is frustrating when you can see she could be so much better if she could just focus. And I suspect it'll catch up with her in secondary when procrastination and bad organisation won't fly.

Well could you answer what the comments were and why they were so demotivating?

And it’s all well and good to say “I just want my child to be happy” but if you don’t have the requisite grades, including in English, the job market is largely closed off and many people in minimum wage jobs are not happy or fulfilled. She sounds very bright with her reading so it would be awful to deprive her of the opportunity to do well at school and the undeniable benefits that will bring for her in life.

If she is only in year 3 it would have been highly unlikely for school to have highlighted ADHD concerns before then unless they were really serious. When children are younger lots of them show ADHD traits so it’s only really age 6 or 7 onwards that things may start to really show and then it needs to be observed and recorded before school will raise alarm bells.

My thoughts exactly... and also maybe using this as a lesson for you DD in resilience?
She will probably come across much harsher comments in her life than what you might have seen in her book...

Tbh, I think you’re projecting some of your unresolved issues on your daughter, is it you who wishes that you had been removed from English lessons? My first point would be for you to seek councilling for yourself a round this. I get it, I really do. I have late diagnosed adhd and it’s very easy to have anger snd frustration over what might have been if you had been diagnosed and treated appropriately.

The next step is to discuss this with the senco and your daughters GP. Can you afford a private referral? If so speak with your GP over what would be recognised in your local area. What outcome do you want? Do you want medication or just recognition for educational purposes?

You can’t “remove her” from English. Imagine the chaos if every parent did this. What do you envision? Telling your daughter to just not go to her English lesson? And go where exactly? You’re being ridiculous and the school won’t tolerate it for 5 seconds. If you don’t like the school, find another school. Not to mention that drawing attention to her by ‘removing’ her from a class will likely single her out for bullying.

What you see as negative comments could, in fact, provide a trail of evidence that point to ADHD. Before anything happens regarding a diagnosis the teacher will be asked what they have done already and they can say they have repeatedly asked her to sit and finish her work or whatever the comments are. Everything in school needs 'evidence' these days. Regardless of this, the school marking policy probably requires a comment as to how the child's work can be improved, there will be a similar, targetted comment in every child's book.

1 you have no right to withdrawn her from anything other than RE & sex ed

2 how do you think it would work? In primary school English is taught daily- are you going in to withdraw her & and supervise her?

3 have you thought about the impact on her psychologically from being the only child in the school withdrawn from this subject

I think there is a degree to which you are projecting your experience of school onto your daughter which is not helpful to either of you - you need to sort that out.

Make an appointment with the senco & class teacher to discuss your child & their needs & how you can support the school & her.

It won't even be a question of 'not going' to the English lesson as, in year 3, it will be in the same room and the same teacher.

I wonder if parents think about what this results in in 20 years time. As a former manager I saw this time and time again - demand from employees for special arrangements, special treatment, lack of resilience. Imagine not being able to provide feedback on what someone did wrong. These were not the people who progressed in their career and they were never happy.

Its not the top 5%. Around 20% of kids get greater depth and in some schools over 50% of kids get greater depth in their yr6 sats.