Wibu to pull my daughter from certain classes

[PepaWepa]

My daughter's year 3. I wrote a post recently regarding ADHD.. to cut a long story short, I've been bringing ADHD up to the school since March 2022 but have been dismissed and ignored with it. At parents evening recently, looking through her books, I noticed her English book was simply full of negative, demotivating comments regarding her work. I enter the parents evening meeting, and they start by telling me how good she is at English, with reading level age of 11 and reading comprehension age of 12.
So I asked about the comments in the book, and they go on to list all the signs of ADHD for why she's not finishing her work etc etc and receiving such comments.
I haven't been able to let it go since, I'm absolutely fuming that they've let her struggle and even more so I'm devastated that my daughter is being left to feel shit at recieving such negative comments in a subject she is so highly capable at. She's so sensitive and I have noticed more recently that she gets frustrated and embarrassed now when she's not able to do something right first time. I feel like all of this has to be contributing.

I want to pull her out of her English classes until they accept and support her properly with an ADHD diagnosis.

To add as I think it's relevant, I also have suspected ADHD, and was expelled from a school age 14 following an incident in English class re me not finishing my work on time. I won't let my daughter face what I had to go through.

You want an already stretched education system to bend over backwards for your daughter, who by your own admission is actually doing well academically- because you're unhappy about the feedback in her jotter. That is insane. If you're so unhappy with the standard of education provided by the school then take her out? On what planet is it okay to cause such a fuss over a non issue then demand allowances be made for your child to miss a class because you don't like the feedback she is getting? They're clearly doing a good job at educating her if she's achieving what she should be. You've made this into a huge problem by projecting your own issues. I stand by what I say, if you believe you can do better then educate her at home.

Oh dear lord, what on earth have I come back to 🙄

I get that you are wealthy, and money talks in many different situations, but it isn't going to be of any help with this.

I'm sorry, what? Where on earth have you got that idea? 😂

In fact, I am deeply suspicious of this thread. No-one has ever been expelled from a school for not finishing their English work.

No probably not. I haven't either 🙄

Anyone who wants to silence their victims gets them diagnosed with BPD so they are not believed

That's not really how it works.

"my DD comes before any rules and regulations"

Yes she does, and I feel sorry for any child that has to live with a parent that wouldn't prioritise their wellbeing over meeting government numbers.

Your assertion that she doesn’t ’play fight’ is very disconcerting

My daughter doesn't play fight and has never done, not once in her life.

without you giving more justification.

I've done nothing but justify myself.

It's ironic really as I consistently find myself jumping in on threads to defend other users, who are quite persistently attacked on here by these mumsnet pirhanas who really ought to find better things to do with their time. They seemingly gain pleasure from engaging in jumping on users for no other reason than to go against them.

I've said a number of times that I actually agree my headline was an impulsive move. Some, more helpful, users have acknowledged that, while others are still accusing me of not taking it on board😵‍💫 Unsurprising really considering the general tone of those people saying it.

So I asked about the comments in the book, and they go on to list all the signs of ADHD for why she's not finishing her work etc etc and receiving such comments.

This sounds quite helpful. The school is on board with a referral for ADHD diagnosis and is gathering lots of supporting evidence for the eventual assessment. It's not enough to tell the docs that you have ADHD ergo your child must too. You'll need evidence from at least two settings (eg school and home).

Oh dear lord, what on earth have I come back to 🙄
I get that you are wealthy, and money talks in many different situations, but it isn't going to be of any help with this.
I'm sorry, what? Where on earth have you got that idea? 😂
In fact, I am deeply suspicious of this thread. No-one has ever been expelled from a school for not finishing their English work.
No probably not. I haven't either

1. I got the idea that you are wealthy because you have a pool, a cinema room and gym (most 3 bedroom houses don't come with these).

1. It was you who said you were expelled for not finishing your English work. Other people got that impression too.

Sorry, wrong thread.

No they can't pull her out of anything apart from PSHE up to the term before 16. Just tell the teacher about the impact of the comments and they should reduce or alter them

So two schools, independently of each other, recorded observations that didn't result in an ADHD diagnosis and your conclusion is the schools were at fault? Despite the fact it was the primary school who twice recognised he needed an assessment (something you could have sought independently through the GP at any time)? Perhaps your child didn't meet the diagnostic threshold at the time of the assessments. Schools just fill in a form of statements on a scale of 1 to 5. It's very hard to fill it in 'wrong'.

Teachers spend hours of their time marking, providing feedback, including next steps they expect children to work towards. You are exhausting and you are not going to do your daughter any favours by antagonising her teacher / school. State schools need to adhere to the national curriculum - it's mandatory. You are being utterly, utterly ridiculous to expect her to be removed from English - the core subject that is key to accessing the rest of the curriculum. You are refusing to say what the comments were, which makes you lose credibility. Just stop.

It would appear my daughter has better reading skills than you do.

My above comment also applies to you

I assumed you were wealthy because you contemplated pulling your daughter from a core subject and are not worried about scuppering her future career plans. So I assumed you were so wealthy that this wouldn't be an issue.

And that you can use that wealth not only to support her for the next eight decades but also to expose her to all of the experiences that not learning about English Literature and English language would deprive her of.

They asked to refer twice/3 times and he was referred through the school but then I was told that he hadn’t come up high enough at school- so why did they keep asking to refer? When he didn’t score highly enough at school, he ended up being misdiagnosed for years. He had such an awful time at school and they refused him access to the ed psych. He did eventually get a diagnosis. It was a terrible time and I am so pleased he is out of the school system but as I say my other children have also experienced problems with getting late diagnosis as the school don’t want them to see the ed psych. I was told with one of my dc that there was no point in referring as they had made it this far and probably wouldn’t need medication. As soon as they changed settings, I was told to apply for an EHCP. There is a lot of history and I am not going to go into it further as it’s quite upsetting. Some schools do not have good SEN.

OP, you can't just make claims about BPD weeks undiagnosed adhd as if they are fact without providing some sort of valid source. Saying that this is well known by the people who are affected means nothing...we don't know anything about who those people are, how many of them there are, whether they're actually diagnosed with BPD or adhd at all or just self identifying, whether (if they do genuinely have both) there is any evidence whatsoever to support the hypothesis that one was a causal factor for the other etc.

I struggled with undiagnosed adhd for many years, and know many other people in this situation. I have never heard of this and unless you have some reliable sources to back up your claims, it all sounds a bit desperate.

I think it's important to focus on what your dd needs right now, without projecting too far about what may or may not happen in the future. If she needs more support than she is currently getting, can you articulate exactly what that support might look like? There is no point in saying that you want the school to be more supportive if you can't specify exactly what it is that you want them to do. Have a think about what your dd really needs, and then try to have a constructive conversation with the school about how that can be achieved.

They asked to refer twice/3 times and he was referred through the school but then I was told that he hadn’t come up high enough at school- so why did they keep asking to refer?

Because schools aren't able to diagnose! They refer if a child might have a condition and even then there's nothing that says schools should do so, a parent can equally access a diagnosis pathway. If schools knew every child they referred would result in a diagnosis, you'd just skip the middle man and allow them to diagnose conditions. I don't doubt you've been on a stressful journey with your child but your logic just doesn't follow. Not least because you've criticised schools for knowing there was something up...and indeed there was. Why is Health not facing any of your blame given they are the ones who do or don't diagnose?

I've recently tried to book an ed psych appointment for a child, they are now taking bookings for 2025/26!

Your child sounds like countless children of her age. Support her and celebrate her successes. You can encourage her to improve her handwriting at home if it’s not particularly good. Get a blank handwriting book with lines in it and get her to write her spelling in it every day.
Take some responsibility for your own child’s education because our state system is broken and can’t give you what you’re expecting. The money is not there to support a child who gets slightly distracted at times and goes off on a tangent when writing a story. What difference would a diagnosis make at this moment in time ? Do you want her to be medicated?

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Handwriting School Exercise Books x 5 amzn.eu/d/8zvWKCh

Call a meeting with head, pastoral support and the teacher.
Ask why you haven't been made aware that her work is so bad that she needs such negative comments in her book.
Make sure head reads them.
Ask what support is being put in place to help her reach her potential.
Ask the teacher how she thinks the comments help to motivate your daughter.
Ask what they think the issue is and how you can work together to help her achieve.
That throws the ball neatly back in their court and it's info they should have. Good luck x

Are you honestly saying that abusers do not get their victims labelled so when they speak out they are not believed...that is the history of BPD!! It is the abusers tactic! And as there are no tests for this fabricated illness then everyone meets the criteria for it!

I see you've chosen to ignore all comments on feedback. I'm a year 4 teacher and we are told not to put pointless comments like we'll done in books, as the eef recommend we only use feedback to either help.e.g. remember you need punctuation before closing speech or to deepen learning e.g. can you add an adverb of manner into this sentence. I might put post it notes in saying great work on handwriting if they've shown a great improvement but they is purely for them and not as part of the feedback.

A primary school isn't going to be able to have you pull your daughter from one subject. They won't necessarily even do English at set times in the week. It would be very disrupted for your daughter to be picked up for random hours in the day and it would mean you being on hand 24/7 to pick her up. You either pull her out of school, or you work with the school to get better support for her.

Op I'd look up rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
We are a family of adhders. We all came to recognise we can read negativity into situations we're in that just isn't there.

Agree. Same in this house. Need to recognise your emotional calibration is off-kilter and dial it down 20%. Often means taking time to step back, not react everytime. Letting things go and being conscious of rumination (eg red card incident - a year ago...). Life has got better with this approach.

Just done a deep dive on the internet about this off of the back of your post. It's an absolute game changer. Thank you!