Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Complete honesty. When I look at that list..everything on their gets done with little fuss. Stuff like banking and insurance is annual. MOT/ service annual. Family visits are sorted easily by a few texts. Meal Planning and batch cooking now and again; but have stuff in. Do shop online every 10 days with basically the same stuff, all saved on website. Recycling is just putting stuff in bin etc etc

I looked a mental load as stuff that needs doing everyday. If it once a year, or once every 3 or 6 months I'm not really worried about it on a daily basis.

You’re on Mumsnet and you’re asking who is doing the judging??

You really don’t need to travel far to find the answer.

Op I doubt you even know what you don't know.
Mental load isn't just physical work and half arsed day to day surviving.

You think because your wife was working oversees that's proof you must have done it all, says everything about what you know!

But eventually someone has to think to dust the mantlepiece surely?! It can't all slide forever.

When do the children break up from school? When do they go back?
Does uniform and shoes fit?
Do they need new pants or socks?
What homework needs doing?
Do coats fit?
Does bag/coat/uniform need washing?
Does any of it need mending?
Are there any school notices?

What's the plans for half term?
Are they in clubs?
Do they have the clothes they need for clubs?
Do you have the money set aside?
Is there any play dates?
They might like swimming?
Do they swim stuff?
Goggles?
How much does it cost?
When arebthe family sessions?
Park would be good, what's the weather?
If its wet they'll need wellies.
Have they had baths?
Brushed teeth?
Actually properly?
Is bedding clean?
Are pj's clean?
What jobs need doing?
Housework?
Grocery shop?
Laundry?
When's your mum, dad's, mils, pils, wife's and kids birthdays?
Are there any birthdays coming up like the kids friends?
Are you decorating for Halloween?
Have you got carving stuff?
How many sweets will you need?
Are the kids costumes ready or do you need to buy them?
How much are pumpkins?
Do you need anything special for Halloween dinner?

That is literally 1% of the mental load for most mums at the moment

Exactly.
I mean, of course there's a limit. Mess and dirt everywhere, children in dirty clothes, constantly forgetting things needed for school are unacceptable.

But things like a 'tidy house' for example.
My version of untidy is piles of things everywhere and can't find anything.
A lot of other womens' version is 'not looking like a show home/things out of place/what will other people say'.

Not the same.

In our household we are pretty relaxed about tidiness, home cooked meals, consistent bath times and bedtimes etc. We do consciously prioritise keeping everyone’s stress levels as low as possible.

And there is still a ton of mental load - booking dentists, doctors, OT & physio appointments, eye tests, vaccinations & boosters, haircuts, chasing repeat prescriptions, MOT and general maintenance for 2 cars, weekly online shopping for elderly parents, annual jabs for pets, 3-monthly flea treatments, cards & presents for family, organising play dates, planning birthday parties, scheduling parent teacher conferences, researching and booking holiday clubs and wrap around care, replacing clothes & shoes when they’re outgrown, donating all the outgrown toys & clothes so there’s room for the new stuff, renewing passports, researching & choosing car seats & baby gear (buggies, pushchairs, cots etc), keeping on top of parental controls on devices, doing daily reading / homework, household budgeting, costumes for Halloween / world fucking book day, buying presents and cards for endless kids’ birthday parties, keeping on top of all the messages and notifications in different school apps and the class WhatsApp, etc etc

The fact that OP thinks ‘mental load’ = cleaning and laundry and dinner / bath / bed + booking the odd holiday says a lot.

Remember that houses should be a little bit dirty and untidy for a few reasons: It exposes the immune system to germs and stops it being weakened, reduces the susceptibility to allergies asthma (don't allow mould to develop though), prevents the house becoming too sterile for comfort - trying to keep it perfect can be exhausting physically and mentally, and that time could be spent playing with the kids etc, also prevents the belief that any mess is unacceptable - could lead to OCD issues, it can reduce comfort for your children and yourselves (space that feels too sterile or immaculate can be uninviting. It might lack the warmth and comfort you'd expect in a lived-in home), a very clean environment might discourage spontaneous activities, play, or creativity, especially for children, who naturally create messes as part of exploration and play. I think a lot of people want to live in a show-home that they see in Hello magazine or Instagram. I say everything in moderation. An acceptably tidy and clean house which remains welcoming, relaxing and liveable, and which doesn't detract from hobbies, relationships and other fulfilling activities (a balanced life).

This exactly

You weren't stressed because you did a shoddy job.

I remember a thread where the OP’s DH wanted to go camping. I can’t recall what the conflict was, but the OP (not unreasonably) did a “mums on strike”.

The camping happened, everyone was fed and nobody died.

The thing I really took away from the thread was the OP being surprised (pleasantly) that instead of having everything done for them, her DH had the DCs involved and working. And the DCs did it. And it was fine.

I'm not sure. Like anything some people at work go over and above. I'd say that's my wife. I'd say I'm the employee that's gets everything done. There may have been a hidden s* getting it there but the boss just knows it was done.

Of course but maybe not on a rigid schedule. Go to the park or dust? All I'm saying is that I think some people do set themselves extremely high standards that are really hard work to maintain.

Man who stressed out entire family by refusing to carry mental load and repeatedly dropping the ball asks if mental load is a myth. You couldn't make it up.

I don't get why you're getting such a hard time. Part of it might because you are a man.

As a mum with ADHD this thread is a little upsetting to read. I wish I could have your attitude to not caring - at least me and the kids would be happier instead of me being stressed about everything I'm not doing despite my best efforts to balance it all.

To read this thread and see all the posters telling you what a shit job you're doing despite you keeping your kids fed, clean, taking them on child centric holidays and ensuring homework done for the most part makes me feel worse given you sound pretty organised to me! Unfortunately in this culture the expectation put on women and judgment we face about managing home and family life is severe - and we are our own worst critics sometimes. I grew up in family where our home was an open door to all friends, neighbours and family regardless of the messiness and chaos inside. I wanted the same for my children but haven't arranged a playdate in over a year because I got weary of the judgmental looks and snide comments by some school mums (and my MIL) about our house. Sadly I often overhear my children's friends asking them if our house is tidy yet so they can come round for a playdate (as my kids know they can't have a playdate until the house is spotless and must tell their friends this). I'm constantly striving and failing to get it spotless while keeping them alive and maintaining a full time job!

Sorry that you are getting so much abuse on here but in real life I imagine you get praised for what a woman would get judged for. For what it's worth it sounds like you are doing a perfectly adequate job and the children are safe and happy. Surely that's what matters!

Or perhaps he did a 'good enough' job. This thread is pretty condemnatory.

Example?
Most women who work complain that they're drowning in it. How are they in a position to judge?
Of course you get extreme people (like the ones who wash towels every week or won't open the door to anybody) but growing up with a working mum, and my years of work/mixing with the same... Nobody cares.

Of course if your area is full of stepford wives/PT/SAHM/rich people with domestic staff you might struggle.

But everyone thinks everyone else is judging. They really aren't.

Also a load of people here listing all these things
. Hrm... Would the answers be the same if OP was a man?

Did you ACTIALLY take on any of the MENTAL load though? Or was it still her? Do you even know what that means?
Kids appointments (hair, dentist, doctors), buying kids uniforms ans school materials, tracking school dates/info (projects, homework, trips, emails from school for any changes/special days and requests, "dress-down" days for this or that charity, school fairs, paying and booking for such, booking school clubs), friends managing (bday parties, knowing the dates, buying gifts, organizing your kids' ones, booking a place or buying decorations/party bags/food), house admin (insurances renewals - all the types-, utilities, car MOT, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoes shopping - the last 2 being constant when kids are small..). Or do I guess it right that you did the bare minimum ti keep the house running on a daily basis but was not involved in most of the above?

I agree with PPs that you’re not really grasping what the mental load is. It’s not the actual doing stuff. It’s the knowing what needs to be done and when and being responsible for it all. It’s remembering the cat needs a flea treatment, one of the kids is going to a birthday party this weekend so you need to buy a gift and a card and wrap it, make sure school uniform is in the wash ready for next week and not lying on the floor somewhere, making sure there is loo paper and milk and bin bags, remember the bins need to go out on Thursday and it’s recycling week, remind person X to do Y, remember to phone your mum, get the ingredients for dinner on Saturday because these people are coming over and this one is allergic to nuts so needs an alternative, remember child A has after school club tomorrow, child B needs PE kit and child C needs their permission slip signed and sent back, work out when you are free to collect that parcel, book your smear test/dentist appointment, take out travel insurance for the summer holiday, make a doctors appointment for one of the kids, check if the passports need renewing, remember that form needs to be posted for the council tax discount etc.

The mental load is having to mentally juggle all this stuff because nobody else is going to remember it or do it if you don’t. It isn’t the doing stuff - that’s the easy bit - it’s the remembering all the stuff that needs to be done and when it needs to be done by and what else needs to be organised before it can happen.

you get extreme people (like the ones who wash towels every week

I wash towels every week and I’m a slattern. 😂

I can honestly say I dust the mantelpiece once a year when the Christmas decorations go up! Luckily no one has died yet from this infrequency.

Well you aren't alone in finding it easy. Many women do to.

Until something, not always home related, tips them into stress levels. Then that thing sort of dominates your mental capacity and all this remembering and deciding and thinking what people will need, becomes too much.

When my DH had a nervous breakdown he couldn't work out how to construct a sandwich. The thought processes were too much for him. Obviously that's an extreme example. Most of us arent walking around on the edge of breakdown. It's about to be movember and it's important to think on men's mental health. THe 40s is a big age for men having mental health issues from professional and familiy responsibilities. I dont think you should be so dismissive of thier mental load op just cos you find it easy.

You obviously have a gift for this kind of thing. Why don't you suggest to your wife that you keep doing it and she just relaxes/plays with the kids when she at home.

The bullshit lists have started again, honestly they read in such a ridiculous way! 90% pointless filler!

I agree with you! We do put pressure on ourselves to do more, do better, be over the top - for what?

I no longer have matching cups for example - nobody died! I put an odd £££ of petrol in the car (gasp) - yet I still cook, clean wash iron, shop book holidays sort insurance arrange dental appointments, and work full time with 3 kids.

And yes going to the park is much more fun than aloud of washing and so what if it beans in toast for tea!