Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

And I just realised I missed MANY other tasks I bet the OP wasn't in charge of either, but can no longer add to my post!

You're 60% and she's 99% and you're really wondering why she has more mental load?

Maybe use your other 39% to figure that out.

When i say buy it off amazon, I'm buying what they want. Nintendo Switch, Laptop, Lego etc. Knowing what kids want for Christmas is quite easy. I know what they want this Christmas and will order it online closer to time. I do care but its not causing me stress for months, how could it?

I once forgot what mu dog was called. And that he was a dog. And that he was mine. I got so frustrated, started crying, pointed at the poor dog and yelled 'what is that!'as soon as my partner said the dogs name I had to ask what he was. A dog. It then clicked but it was really scary

But are you in CHARGE of doing these 10 or 20 things that ONLY need doing once a year (each at a different time)?
And how about school things for the kids, that are pretty much daily/weekly?

Are you saying everything gets done, as in YOU did this all yourself for a couple of years?

You're asking if the mental load is exaggerated, without even bothering to understand what the mental load is. That sums it up for me.
Its definitely not the stuff that has to get done every day to survive. That's the bare minimum. You can do that (maybe not so well) without having to think too much. That's the point.

The mental load is making sure you don't book a shit last minute holiday that your partner isn't happy about. Making sure you know what needs washing in advance. Spending more than 5 mins on amazon to buy the kids presents.
And every other thought you have to keep the house and family organised.
You were doing bare minimum, you weren't taking on the mental load. You stressed your wife out because she was still thinking about these things, but unable to do the day to day as she wasn't physically present.

Did she never remind you of a birthday, or make sure you'd booked father Christmas visit? Did she order anything online? Did you receive a thoughtful Christmas/birthday present?

If your question is do we put too much pressure on ourselves, the answer is yes - but mostly because society demands it. If I was away and my husband threw the unwashed kids through the gate last minute he'd be congratulated for getting them to school. The same would not be true for me.

Why are you stressed about it if it's so easy?

I also have ADHD and I'm doing an adequate job and I think it's hard.

Having a man who describes himself as doing a very much inadequate job and upsetting his wife a lot about that, then say it's all in my head is invalidating and rude to me, I'm not sure how you think it's somehow uplifting.

I do think think the things in your OP are mental load. It's just routine housework

I do think different people find mental load different levels of 'difficult', and it can also chamge over time. For example if I've had a really busy period at work I'm more likely to forget things. I am also more likely to forget things that aren't very regular (monthly / weekly) and where I'm not sent a formal reminder (insurance/ vat). For example I struggle with -

• finding time to go through kids clothes and get rid of old clothes / sort for donation etc. and sort replacements for kids who change their favourite colour every few weeks
• one off 'days' for school- remembering which bloody communication system it was sent on (class WhatsApp, email, school app etc), sourcing costumes, remembering not to throw away the toilet rolls that they need for craft that week and finding time between the million after school activities to do some 'creative' homework
• organising weekends to make sure we get some rest, spend some time as a family, see friends and wider family, get house stuff done, and the kids get to do some playdates

I'm sure if I worked part time or had a job that wasn't mentally taxing I'd manage those things fine. But when I'm finishing from an intense technical job at 6, there is little room in my brain for rooting through the recycling to try and find the cardboard box they need to make a castle

• I work away sometimes and so does my husband. Both our work schedules change quite frequently. It's really hard to keep track of who is doing pick or or drop off on certain days even though we write if down, because of the volume of atufd changing in our diaries daily

But ultimately...just because you find something easy, can you really not see that this doesn't mean that everyone else finds it as easy and 'must be exagerating' when they say they find it hard? I find algebra easy but can see why others might not

You've got good kids then mine don't have a clue what they want and never have. I find getting then presents really stressful

@whatnow123 I agree with you in many ways -I lived with a guy who grew up in quite a poor household and the minute we got a nice home expected it to be constantly like a Barratt show home- and had some very rigid ideas around cleaning rotas etc- I do like a decently ordered home and good food and fun , but think some people's stress related to mental load is self inflicted-often spread themselves too thinly, book their kids into too many activities , don't seem happy unless they can declare on here that we are a working family with a very busy schedule etc

I'm going to put myself in the middle when it comes to the mental load in the sense that I am the one who organises, plans ahead, knows all of the small details, worries about appointments and making sure there's always enough/the right food in the house etc.. but I'm also that person who doesn't clean up every hour of the day or worry if we order a takeaway because we are tired (our dd doesn't eat the takeaways she has separate food) or bedtimes may be a little later or earlier than normal depending on how the day has gone, and if I am feeling overwhelmed I do let housework slip for a day if I need too. So far nothing has gone wrong by me being a bit more relaxed about these things and I think that it's a bit harsh of people to say your basically doing a shit job OP because I can understand what you mean about the internal pressures we can put on ourselves and sometimes it's actually OK to put our foot on the brakes and let things go for a day or two to catch our breath! But I also think that saying the mental load is exaggerated is wrong because there is unfortunately so much to think about that goes well beyond bedtimes, bathtimes and takeaways.

I know you said you condensed hours etc when she got the promotion but why hadn't you been sharing the load beforehand and why have you now stepped back?

What is amazon costs 10-20% more for each gift? Don't you have a budget and shop around for the best deals?
How do you know what your extended family would like for Christmas/birthdays?
Do you buy the kids what they ask for or do you also buy them surprise gifts you know they'd like because you like to see the look on their faces when they open them? Do you wrap the santa ones in different paper so they're not suspicious that your paper is the same? Do you arrange the deliveries so they're not likely to turn up when the kids can see them?

Mental load includes:
Having food for packed lunches
Clean uniform
Clothes ready for next season
Sorting uniform for scouts/cubs
Paying club fees
Arranging play dates
Signing on-line consent forms for school
Paying for school trips
Buying birthday presents for friends
Ensuring homework is done
Having food in the house
Making sure shoes/boots are dried.
Arranging car service
Ensuring fuel in car
Arranging doctors app
Signing kids up for flu jab
Sending something in for harvest
Money for mufti day
Paying credit card bill
Sending thank you cards
Taking clothes to charity shop
Clean bedding
Putting clean clothes away
Picking up prescription
Arranging childcare
Clean, dry towels
Ensuring kids hair is detangled

How much of the above did you do??

Agree with the general consensus that mental load is a real thing and can get overwhelming.

Of course it's going to vary from person to person depending on circumstance, and I think it's true that women tend to be held to higher standards than men and are by default expected to be the oil and glue that keeps things running smoothly and family units cohesive.

I'm past the child rearing phase now, but I vividly remember the point where I was supporting four teenagers ("blended family")through their GCSE years, pandering to my now ExH, having to make four different packed lunches, and iron 12 -16 shirts every Sunday. That was also the year my Dad had a massive heart attack and my SMs mental health nosedived. ExDH wasn't well himself so was limited to school runs at opposite ends of town (long story, complicated). How the fuck I'm still sane I don't know.

These days while I'm alone and only have what I choose to deal with, I now have a serious case of geriatric roulette going on so I'm kind of in Groundhog Day at the other end of the age spectrum and it's almost twice as hard as one can't even lay down the law with elderly parents with (mostly) capacity who are allowed to make their own decisions - I am cultivating the diplomatic skills of a UN envoy and dare not have alcohol in the house as if I start drinking I won't stop.

One final point while I'm ranting - often the advice to stressed women is to take time out for themselves, practise self care, get a hobby - you know like men do, holding their sport or pub time as sacrosanct. I'd say that in those very few precious minutes to themselves that many women may have, that concept leaves you like a rabbit in the headlights while you try and remember what gives you, personally, joy and satisfaction, and by the time those memories surface, you're back firefighting another domestic crisis, and the window of opportunity has slammed shut again.

Oh, I could go on for hours about all this - the pressures of modern life and societal expectations etc etc but I'm brewing a migraine as it is and trying to focus on unclenching my jaw. So I'll step away and hope that before I'm too old to have a last hurrah of some sort, the pressure to be all things to all people will ease.....

Knowing what kids want for Christmas is quite easy?

One of my children wants 'nothing' or a dog (we are not getting a dog)

The other wants me to block off the bathroom, knock through from their bedroom, add a hidden doorway, and create a secret den.

Neither want anything else / anything normal.

OP, now that your DW is no longer working abroad is the mental load now 50/50? Do you cook dinners 3 nights a week? Or have you allowed her to take it all back on and are now eye rolling at her stressing out? If the latter, you need to sit down and discuss with her what you can do to share the burden. Not come on Mumsnet to look for back up about why you are right.

you’re dead right, op. We women have self created a ridiculous level of pressure on ourselves

Interesting. I think it’s unfair to say the mental load is imaginary. Of course it would be less stressful if we had less pressure. But as you said yourself, men are super-fathers when they do the bare minimum. Women don’t have that luxury - we are worried about the neighbours popping round to use the loo because we’ve been conditioned to run everything to the highest of standards or be judged forevermore. So yes I think you’re right that there’s a sexism element to it. But instead of trying to convince your wife that she should just not feel the pressure and let things slip, why don’t you show appreciation for all she does, you said yourself she does it better! A lot of the pressure involved with the mental load could be alleviated if she knows she’s appreciated for everything she does. Even if you think 100% is unnecessary when you got by just fine on 60%.

Omg yes it's this. Never ending

The last paragraph pretty much nails it.

I carry about 90% of mental load in our home, but (unlike your examples):

• the bins go out the morning of bin day, when I remember to remind my husband

-cards and presents for birthday parties get bought on the way to the party -if people are coming round for dinner on Saturday and have allergies, I order a takeaway rather than stress myself about learning a new recipe/getting new ingredients in -passports get renewed after they expire and only when I've checked the dates a week before they're needed for a last minute holiday. I have never not had to get an emergency appointment for a passport renewal -half the time uniform gets washed and dried early Monday morning -occasionally the kids (shock horror) are inadvertently sent to school in uniform on a PE day. -suitcases get packed for holidays the night before (but I do all the packing for myself and the kids) - often means the washing machine and laundry is on through the night, and some last minute trips to the shops for supplies

I have many more examples of the above, but just because I don't do stuff well in advance of it needing to be done doesn't mean I don't carry the mental load for remembering the stuff and doing it/ arranging for it to be done. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

OP's issue isn't one of mental load but his wife's dislike of his way of getting those tasks done. The additional mental load that she carries is only the difference between the standard in his way of doing things and hers.

What I find unpleasant is that the OP is having a dig at his wife. Implying that being in charge of the family is easy peasy. It was her fault for being stressed because her standards were too high. Let it slide and life is so much more pleasant for all. Chill.

No acknowledging the very real double standards that exist. I have friends whose husbands come home from work and criticise them for not getting enough done. Despite having young families, being responsible for running the house, dinners, homework, school runs et etc

Many women would be slated by their spouses for letting things go because their husbands would be pissed if they are ‘working hard all day’, then they expect their wives to be working equally or more hard.

punishment for her complaining about his lax attitude and children missing things because he relaxed the standards?

The entire time we have been married, I don’t think DH has cleaned the loo once, or replaced toilet roll, or bought stamps, or bought cleaning supplies, or dusted a piece of furniture. I send all the Christmas cards. It does not enter his head to do anything like this…he only notices it when what is needed is absent, or if he cannot find something straight away. He isn’t bothered if the house is dirty, and it takes a lot of effort from me to stop him scattering things everywhere. I declutter constantly, clean everyday, and chuck things, but this does not occur to him. Cupboard doors are opened and not shut etc. I love him but yeah, it gets on my nerves sometimes. I’m made for more in life than making sure there is enough loo roll! 😩And now I am staring at his trainers chucked in the middle of the floor. We have a boot box for these that I paid for…crickey.