Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

There is a lot of stuff that people try to shoehorn into "mental load". The majority is just life. Up thread someone mentioned filling the car with petrol, how is there any deep thinking about that? Doing the shopping? Cleaning the sink?

Apps, lists, calendar reminders are all simple tools that can take away any need for remembering. Ok there is the initial set up, but I get a notification a week before a birthday and sort from there.

It's up there with life admin, and the supposed hours this takes each week. We have it far easier than previous generations in a way as so much stuff is automated - direct debits for example takes away the need to physically pay a bill.

However, I do think everyone has a tipping point, the letter from school asking for x is the thing that just tips everything over the edge, just like can happen in a work situation.

If you're such a super star, and if this is all so easy for you, why on earth were you letting your poor wife struggle with it on her own until she actually left the country?!

With her high standards, and your superhuman levels of organisation and energy, you guys should be living the actual dream these days 🤷‍♀️

the attitude that work is somehow easy street and doesn't come with a huge mental load of its own - my job certainly does and I'm lucky enough to be in a field which is my actual passion. I've seen a lot of posts on here implying that people in full-time jobs are essentially swanning out of the house for a lovely relaxing break all day. Not sure what jobs you've ever had but I've never experienced that!

But when 2 people are working ft it is surely fair that they are sharing all the "bits and pieces" (and house chores) that can easily be overlooked. That's what I'm aggrieved about. If I was at home I wouldn't have the slightest problem with any of the things I listed, it's that the default is that I will remember, sort, plan in advance, adjust my work hours to fit stuff in, on top of working FT. Lots of people will say "just don't do it" but then there is a high risk it doesn't get done at all.
Last year I forgot to do the consent form for vaccinations at school, (DH occassionally reads school emails, I'm not sure he's ever actually replied or taken any action required) so I had to take DS to a catch up clinic at the weekend, at an inconvenient location. My fault because I missed the deadline but ideally as there are 2 parents who received the email there could be 2 chances at remembering!

Well done for doing the bare minimum, for a (relatively short by the sounds of it) period of time.

All the single parents, parents of disabled children and parents who don't find it all such a breeze should bow down to your superiority.

Who is sitting here thinking, this lucky woman, I bet OP's got the kids' Halloween costumes organised for trick-or-treating next week, bought sweets in for trick-or-treaters, ordered the pumpkin and organised pizza and hot dogs for friends coming back afterwards? And he's planning to give the house a freshen-up beforehand 😂?

Dh spends a ridiculous amount of time on his phone. It always amazes me that he never appears to have read any school emails or planned how we're going to go to school events etc. I think part of it is that I work in education, so he subconsciously assumes I will deal with everything school related at home too. Except that's where I need him to pick up the slack, because my head is too full of the school stuff that actually pays the bills.

What I'm gathering from this thread is that 'mental load' is just a new term for 'life'. All of that stuff is just life. Or rather modern life. We all have to do it, single, married, parents or child free. Some of the things people are listing as 'mental load' is laughable. Booking a doctor's appointment, mot or renewing your insurance is not mental load, they're just necessary tasks, everyone has to do these things (well ok booking a dr appointment is an actual endurance test these days, bad example).
Seems like a lot of you have partnered up with people with very different priorities and standards and therein lies the problem. I'm a LP but if I didn't have DC I'd still have a ton of tasks needing done, house still needs cleaned, food still needs bought and cooked, car insurance still needs renewed or whatever. I can see how it must be annoying to have a lazy partner but that is a choice, you can always end a relationship if it's uneven.

If all this stuff is "just life", then how come apparently there are some people who get through life without having to do any of it?

It's not "just life" because, unlike eating, sleeping and shitting, it has to be thought about. Someone has to make sure that there are clean sheets on the beds, food in the cupboard and toilet roll in the loos. Someone has to clean the bathroom, supervise tooth brushing and book dentists' appointments otherwise you get squalor and rotting teeth.

None of this happens automatically, it all requires effort and thoughts. As evidenced by the fact that there are plenty of families living lives where no one thinks about these things. They're the ones with social services involved and having their kids removed.

You are choosing to do all that though, and that's fine. It is also fine for none of that to happen.

There's a difference between stuff that has to be done, and then the nice stuff around the edges.

there is literally no 'right' way of answering this because everyone's line in the sand of what is basic/acceptable/good/high/ideal (or just basic necessities vs nice-to-have) is different.

Some people see ironing as the bog standard basic whereas for others it's a job-interview only thing

Some people would consider sending the kids to school in a jumper with a few small ketchup stains on the sleeves absolutely revolting, whereas others would think it ridiculous to wash an otherwise clean shirt when they will get more stains by lunchtime anyway

Some people think taking the kids to pick up a birthday present for their friend and then getting all the card and glue and glitter and pens out to draw them a personalised card is a lovely creative activity their friend will treasure and friend's mum will appreciate so worth the slight fuss, others will think dragging a whiny kid around the shops and then clearing up all the mess is a complete waste of time when the kid will probably chuck it in the bin the next day and a fiver in a 59p card factory card is the way to go.

None of us know if, were we OP's wife's friend, and she complained to us about OP, we'd say 'Ooh actually Emily, I didn't want to say anything but when I went around to borrow the octopus costume for the school play the house was an absolute tip and the kids were still up and screaming at 10pm and Mrs Smith told me they'd worn the same dirty top to school every day that week, oh and when I went to the loo it was absolutely filthy' or

'Really? When I popped around to get that octopus costume everything looked fine, yeah it took Rob a little while to find it but we had a chat in the meantime, kids were in bed, and tbh the house wasn't as clean as it is today but it was cleaner than mine! The loo? Yeah I did pop in but tbh I didn't notice anything, seemed fine to me, maybe not perfectly tidy but clean enough that I didn't make an excuse and pee at home instead!'

Dunno if anyone has mentioned this already cos it's a long thread but it sounds like you benefited massively from routines and expectations that your wife had already done the work of putting in place. It's like inheriting a business rather than just a premises.

Kids have a miserable childhood if their parents never do any of the "nice around the edges" stuff though. It doesn't have to be a Halloween party, it might be special playdates, birthday parties, Bonfire Night, "elf on the shelf", Christmas stuff... But all kids deserve their parents to put the effort in to do some special things.

That's what I mean about the difference between surviving and thriving. You can do the bare minimum, yes, but it's no fun for the kids.

Don't all parents want their children to look back and have memories of some really, really fun times that they had at home with friends?

@rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo we skew later by choice too but if you have kids who struggle with sleep for whatever reason a routine does make your life easier. (My kids when little have always been more like 10pm- 8am sleepers.) I agree that eating dinner at 5 is barbaric.

You sound like my husband. Doesn't see mess or dirt but kids will be fed and would have done their activities. Laundry may or may not be up to date. May have forgotten some info that came by email but you know as ignorance is bliss, he will still be relaxed.

I have wanted to adopt a more relaxed attitude and chill like he does . Now whilst I still don't understand how the washing basked is full and the clothes won't take themselves in the wasning machine, I try not to have a go. And say that as he is so good at x, y and z, he should continue doing things his way and I enjoy more leisure time

Kids don't have a miserable childhood if their parents don't do elf on the bloody shelf! FFS

Everyone knows the kids at school that won't have a costume on book day, won't be wearing non uniform on non uniform day, won't have party food on party day and it's probably not that nice for them

Mental load is not about "perfection" for me. It's all the general caring responsibilities for someone else other than myself. The having to care about a crusty ear on pet cat, having to care what the child will have for dinner, having to care about brother's wedding... Strangely enough, I don't like my life resembling a to-do list for every minute of my waking hour. I don't stress about "how" I'll execute it - I just hate that the task list is there.

Any partner (hence I intend to stay single) only adds to the mental load. There's yet another person to be "kept on mind" at all times.

This about sums it up.

I’m not sure I’d consider participation in social events ‘stuff around the edges’ in a child’s life, though. I wouldn’t feel great about choosing not to let my child celebrate Halloween or spend time with friends because it wasn’t technically critical to survival, and my priority is protecting my peace or whatever.

I haven’t sorted Halloween costumes yet, and I will certainly half arse it at the last minute, but it still needs doing, if DC are to take part in trick or treating. Which they want to do and are excited about. I’m not going to say, tough shit, I can’t be arsed.

This is just not on DH’s radar at all, and he gets to be super chill and un-stressy about it all and not have our DC miss out on the totally normal holidays and celebrations and social events that all kids take part in, because I do all the tiny little shitty bits of thinking and organising and forward planning that are necessary for even the most last minute and slapdash and non-uptight kids events.

I can also pretty much guarantee that DH would be confused and disappointed if Halloween rolled round and DC didn’t have a costume or any plans, and he’d be embarrassed if trick or treaters knocked at the door and we had no sweets in to give them: He cares enough that things are done, but doesn’t care quite enough to do literally anything to make them happen.

And it is this dynamic that I think causes me the most angst - not doing the stuff itself, but having to carry his dead weight around as well.

I agree with you @Gottastoppostingsomuch ! All of the posters flapping about buying the perfect gifts being the mental load, or sorting car insurance - I mean, some of that is voluntary stress you place on yourself, other stuff is easy to sort! Just lower your standards and chill - no one will die.

So much of this bullshit comes from social media. I wish we could all accept lower standards in ourselves and others, life would be easier. It's is almost wholly a female issue, and on this one I think the answer is not to try and normalise unobtainable levels of stress as some inevitable 'mental load' that all women are doomed to carry. 60% is good enough for me too op!

But apparently this is all "non-essential" 🙄. I wonder whether the kids agree, as they sit there surrounded by their friends who have parents who can be bothered?

You don't have to do everything. You have to do some stuff.

It's ok to drop the ball sometimes. I've occasionally forgotten something (bake sale, own clothes day) and had to apologise to my DC. Or we can't do something (fireworks) and they're disappointed. That's life.

It's not ok to have the child who never gets excited about stuff and bins the school trip form on the way home because they know they're not going and no effort will be made for them.

If we do nothing apart from work/school and make sure the bills are paid and food is bought and eaten that's a miserable existence.

I don't post any photos on SM.
I still want to take my child on occasional holidays, days out etc. it's not vacuous to want enrichment in life and life beyond the functional / being a wage slave

My Great aunts neighbours used to judge each other severely if they didn't scrub their doorstep with a pumice stone every day. The mental load existed before social media, its part of female socialisation; and thats why men are able to crow about how its not a big deal.

I do tons of fun stuff with my kids - we're always out and about. That is not the mental load (for me), that's the good bit.

The mental load is: the toys have not been sorted in years and the clutter grows - must sort it
Haven't invited so and so round for ages, must check on her
Dust is taking over - must deep clean
Am I getting the best deal on holiday insurance - must research

This is the stuff you can choose to ignore without actually getting on social services radar, and have more time and headspace for the fun stuff!