Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

I mean, i can't look into the future.

So much stuff could happen but I'm not going to lie awake worrying about my childs first heartbreak or some unique present they want when they are 15.

OP is a super dad with extraordinary mental capacity.

You should apply that big brain to something more taxing.

The stuff I find hardest are the unexpected things. The letters that come home - please bring in a certain fruit, a bottle, please wear a certain colour top that you inevitably don’t have, so you need to go shopping. Please wear a costume.

Children getting sick, you need to be up all night, rearrange work, call the school, try and get a doctor’s appt, get the prescription, take temperature, get someone to pick up other kids.

Kids get bullied out of nowhere or are struggling with school work so you need to see the teacher. Teacher shrugs shoulder so you want to see the head. Etc, etc.

Also with older kids, who sweat more etc, you do need to wash to clothes a lot more, if you’re currently getting more than one day’s wear out of some school uniform.

I’m delighted OP didn’t find it all hard; some people do. Even your own wife did and you’re incredulous. A bit of thinking about other people and a smidge of self-awareness goes a long way.

They thought you were super dad for just being a parent 🤣 Also I can’t imagine that your wife was just earning more money but even more stressed as she was still having to pick up after you. Much like when my husband has been ‘cleaning’ the bathroom for the last 6 months but now we need to regrout because of mould. Had he kept to higher cleaning standards we wouldn’t need to do this.

Of course you didn't find the mental load hard when you did a lazy, relaxed, half hearted job with it and probably wasted thousands of the household budget.

OP sounds like he's aiming quite far below perfect.

This. I simply…don’t do presents and cards for anyone. Problem solved. And as I said in my previous post so what if “society” thinks women should have everything spotless and hyper organised (that isn’t an expectation I’ve ever encountered though). Just because some societal expectation exists doesn’t mean you have to acknowledge it or acquiesce to it.

Yet uses it to goad people, hmmm

By my own admission, I'm far from perfect—sort of the point of this thread. The local dads basically laugh at me, knowing I've mostly winged it. I'll admit, it's been organized chaos at times! Yet their partners think I'm great; I should probably show them this thread.

On a similar note, when my partner came to me about this promotion and new role, it wasn't even a question. I fully supported it and changed my own role at work to help.

So, there are definitely some upsides to this relaxed approach to life.

Naturally, being a man, he inevitably has masses of (almost certainly misplaced) "self esteem" aka arrogance, certainty that all he does is right and good, and knows that his opinions should be voiced and attended to - that he knows and IS best.

That aside, he doesn't sound like a particularly bad example of what is such a low standard.

I work with several women and one man all with primary achool aged children. I asked them when their kids broke up - all the women knew but the man didn’t. He didn’t have to as he didn’t have to plan ahead for childcare or holiday clubs or activities - he left that to his wife.

on School WhatsApp groups the vast majority of parents are women.

So you basically had no standards but didn't feel the pressure of the mental load? Yeah, that's why you didn't!

Those aren't all happening to the same family at the same time. Trying to dress up a load of different family situations as normal mental load that one family unit has to handle is disingenuous.

This.
Add in:
Noticing when DC are growing out of clothes, planning a trip to shops to buy more, or getting online and buying more.
Arranging for passing on clothes that are too small, either to friends/relatives or taking to charity shop.
Noticing when coat or PE kit has gone missing, tracking it down.
Remembering to book MOT for car.
Reading email from house insurance company, remembering to renew, or compare prices.
Knowing about your DC friends - have they fallen out with best friend? Does this happen often? Do they have a few best friends? Is there an issue? Are they lonely? Are they being bullied? Are they a bully?
Noticing if the carpet needs a proper clean, not just vacuuming, sourcing this if you don't own a wet cleaner.
Knowing about children's food preferences and intolerances, health issues, minor illnesses, so when the GP asks you about their history you know the answers.

And dozens of other little things that you have to know about, remember, hold in mind - usually on an annual cycle.

If I had a £1 for every man who told me was a great baker, chef, Dad etc whilst being subpar I’d be a much wealthier woman.

If all those men could just realise I smile and nod rather than pull them up on their silliness, the world would be a better place.

I’m sure some of those men think I was impressed as well!

I don't even understand wth this fabled 'mental load' is. Is it basic everyday shit, booking tickets, calling the dentist, paying bills, xmas presents, booking travel, online shopping for things? Clacking keyboards, in other words? Ha, if that's so, I do it every day, for myself too, it's called 'life' in my house. Takes almost no time and you have to be brain dead to call it difficult.

I'm a single parent, I work, earn money, my house is tidy, never any piles of crap just lying around. Because we put stuff in its place straight after use. DD cleans her own room, I do the rest. I do not allow her to live in a hovel, her room's tidy. I cook from scratch, parent and work. Work is by far most difficult, home stuff isn't, it's just boring. I find the whining annoying, it's just basic housework stuff, not rocket science, what's so complicated.

YANU. 2 full time working parents and tired but no double standards for mum or dad. Childless people have chores too. You choose your poison.

If one parent chooses higher standards for joint showhome, showkids, showlife, etc, other partner either supports or renegotiate terms. Or make peace with the higher chore "load".

This brings in mind the following quote up thread

Literally every other thread! Women are telling women they are too much or not enough constantly!
Have you ever been on Mumsnet before? It’s BUILT on judgement.

The point is that some parents don't do this stuff - they leave it to the other parent.
They never ever think about the dentist for their children.
They never think about what Xmas present to buy for which person, or who should be on the list for a present and who just gets a card.
They never organise holidays, never think about what needs to be packed, or what clothes need to be laundered in advance ready to pack.
They don't know what tickets need booking for what and how far in advance.
They just never think, plan, anticipate, or remember.

Mental load is not necessarily difficult, yes it is just 'life' or 'getting on with stuff'.
But in the context of an argument between two parents about the balance of housework and other responsibilities, the mental load is a significant factor and should be taken into account.

I agree with the OP that the mental load is heavy because of the pressures society puts on women and we put on ourselves.

It's also instructive that many people on this thread to outdo themselves with imaginary tales of how grim the OP's life was, when he says it was fine.

I don’t think it matters what people call it, whether it’s mental load or life admin or whatever. You’re allowed to feel weighed down by it if you’re also eg working, you’re allowed to hate it and you’re allowed to be resentful if you live with someone who doesn’t pull their weight or does a subpar performance.

If only life was doing an online shop
once a week and pre-planned dentist appointments. I’m sure those of us with children who need regular specialist appointments that need to be chased up constantly, for example, would love that. Just because you’re not feeling it, doesn’t mean others aren’t. But again, well done you as you’ve clearly cracked it.

As a prime example I can't think of many blokes who deliberate whether having a loo brush is a 'no no' or whether feeding a kid fish fingers invokes too many UPFs - it's mainly other women i feel put the pressures on other women to be perfect in every aspect of life. - although there are a few obsessional Nellie neat men out there who put pressure on too - ones who often come from backgrounds where they feel the need to impress others with 'look what I've got'

The mental load is not a single day. It's the build up of all of it.

Now your wife is home I'm sure that it'll be easy to do half each and keep the house to a high standard. After all you are superman and a shining example to us mere mortals.

Also 12 of those 15 points was my reality in the teenage years so I would disagree. That this is disingenuous.

Both dh and I held down a full time job during this period. Mine was shift patterns.

I will also state I don't think my experience is unusual.