Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

So as woman let's not let them do it to us anymore! Let's just say fuck it! Don't care, don't wanna, not doing it

Funny how you seem to think "under-thinker" is a great trait to have.

Never would have thought under achievement would be something Simeon would want you to proudly celebrate.

You do you, but if you care about staying married then it's a good idea to consider your spouses values.

Many a good woman has dumped a 'good' husband because the husband just ain't all that and the wife would prefer to be solo or find a man more aligned for the next marriage.

@Bunnyhair nails it: He cares enough that things are done, but doesn’t care quite enough to do literally anything to make them happen.

😄 perfect example. A nightmare. My wife baked, purchase extras and came up with very elaborate ideas. When she was away I would get messages asking what I've done. Sending me links and showing places I could buy stuff.

In the end the elf was sleeping in sink or sitting on tree. Not really Instagram suitable.

I just can't imagine worrying the elf was doing when I wasn't even there. It's the unnecessary pressure that she puts on herself.

Yes, I put myself in this category.

I could ask DH to do more around the house, but he works full time so it wouldn't get done till the evenings or the weekend. Plus he doesn't do it the way I like it. I WFH flexible hours, so I can get a lot of stuff done during the day, the way I like it.

Really, I should let him do it and suck it up that its not done in a way or I time that I want. But that causes me more stress than just doing it.

I create my own mental load.

But OP just didn't step up at all.

Funnily enough I don’t think you can ignore the things in your list if you want life to run easily. Often those jobs actually make it easier to enjoy life.
I live in chaos (adhd) and often fail at admin/mental load/organisation and it makes my life so hard because things build up and get out of control or things get more expensive to fix/resolve.
it’s not SS level, but still impacts mine and therefore my DC quality of life.
but that’s just my point of view, just to explain how different people may have different standards because of different reasons

I'm incredibly laid back and don't nag / moan about DH's lack of standards.
But a good example is that if I'm away, he let's DC sleep in their clothes and wear them again the next day. If he was always responsible for bedtime it wouldn't be OK.
He will feed them biscuits breakfast lunch and dinner, and the front room is littered in wrappers when I return.

Honestly I value my annual mini-break and don't care much apart from the wrappers so he's lucky. But obviously those standards are too low to be sustainable.

I do take issue with not stepping up. I was doing solo parenting of three kids 2 years.

School pick ups and drop offs went from 50/50 to 80/20...same with clubs...same with birthday parties...even the time consuming dentist appointments fell to me etc etc

Stuff was not done how she did it. Things changed. The kids still developed in sport, still got good grades, still saw their friends

Yes it was more chaotic at times but there are trade offs whatever the regime.

amp.theguardian.com/books/2018/nov/02/drawn-from-experience-meet-the-feminist-author-whose-comic-strips-hit-home

But you agree that you let things slip from the way your wife did it and said it was chaotic at times.

You were the one who started the thread to basically have a dig at women.

You did it your way, she does it her way. Maybe she does over complicate matters, but you can't say you don't think the mental load that she complains about when she does it doesn't really exist, then freely admit it was chaotic at times when you did it.

The mental effort hopefully avoids chaos occurring. Chaos takes up more time in the end.

And the OP isn't even doing the basics.

Bed times and bath times are slipping and take aways are replacing dinners.

What the fuck are you expecting from this thread?

Hundreds of posters fawning over you?

Why do men like you start posts like this and think they should be worshiped and praised, as though they are some sort of deighty? You're criticising all women and criticising your own wife too.

How desperate for praise and attention are you?

Your doing the bare minimum and not doing it very well either, by your own admission.

I have not read the whole long thread, but I agree with the OP. Mental load is a joke, it's called dealing with life, and the world won't end because something gets forgotten once in a while. People on here use it as if it's an all consuming, life altering thing and just stress themselves out with it all.

Won't be a popular opinion on here but oh well.

Just to add, I have 3 DC and a full time job

I wouldn't really count doing housework as mental load. I think what a lot of women with young children get fed up of is feeling that the responsibility ultimately all stops with them. That isn't really something you're experiencing as clearly your wife is still involved with organising in general even if she wasn't for a couple of months.

Now my children have left home I'm finding organising really easy as I only have to sort things out for myself. DH on the other hand is finding life much more difficult because he really didn't have to think about anything when the children were at home and now he does. I only cared when he missed appointments for this or that because it affected the children so I reminded him of things such as when the car needed to be MOT etc but now he's just inconveniencing himself if he forgets so I leave it to him.

Am i criticising all women. Most disagree, some agree so maybe there is a point here.

Regardless this has been an interesting thread. Some good points that have made me think and others not so much.

Anyway the rest of the day will be spent organising those dentist appointments for next March. It never ends.

Yes, that is how I used to feel. If I went away for the week, most of the jobs would be waiting for me when I got back. That is probably how OPs wife is feeling.

@whatnow123 given the state of dental care provision, you probably should have just booked their next appointments at the last one they had.

Eh, I just had a row with my DH today over this issue. I just retired at the end of July, he still works (doesn’t have to…we don’t need the money…he likes work and does not want to retire). All the domestics and mental load has fallen on me most of our marriage.

As his mum recently passed away (I spent a lot of time/money on her care including me cleaning her house and then a housekeeper to keep things sanitary), we’ve been cleaning up her house on weekends so we can sell it. She was all right but a slob (unkind but true) and a bit of a hoarder with a big house. This clear out has been going on for some time (a couple months). So, I clean all week, do the garden, pay bills, etc, etc, plus am writing a book on deadline and editing a journal, and then clean another house on the weekend. I’m knackered. you can see the interior walls of her house now and the back staircase is clear, but there is still a lot to do, as valuables are mixed in with junk. There are five dead vacuums to give an indication of the mountain of stuff. A friend offered a large trailer to take to the tip just for the electrical goods. There will be another load for the books, another load for knackered furniture, and we had to value the antiques for probate which was time consuming. I did most of the latter because of subject expertise.

This morning, DH went on his morning walk, and I did housework as I knew after lunch we were going to be at his mum’s house cleaning and sorting in the afternoon. I was running around doing laundry, getting the lunch sorted, sweeping, taking out the compost bin, all the usuals. He comes home and I’m rushing to get showered and dressed and then set the table for lunch. After MIL died, DH had promised me we would get help with the house clearance, and it never has happened. when I asked about it, he said why didn’t I remind him?

Gentle reader, I exploded. He then with big sad eyes that he would go to his mum’s by himself so as not to hear complaints. I said, off you go, I really need a break. He looked surprised.

It has been such a lovely peaceful afternoon. This game men play about being deliberately incompetent about housework, etc. and then expecting vast realms of praise for turning a tap is misogynistic as hell. Thanks to all on this thread for showing me this.

Why put up with it for so long? I don't get it. Why do it all?

All I would have done is pay bills and remind him to sort out the clearance and cleaner. Why do anything else?

Because she knows the house would remain filthy and unsold for decades if that’s all she did?

One way or another, we all have some sort of mental load going on. Most of us just battle through it. That’s life.🤷‍♀️

That’s not her problem though is it?

Exactly - there is no such thing as the mental load as everyone has completely different circumstances and things going on. The mental load for one household will be totally different to another.

Not if he organised a clearance and cleaner.