Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

OP has done a a great job of phrasing the initial post so there's a pile on about the mental load being a load of hysterical mums stressing over bedtimes. Bravo.

Who judges them? Other women more often than most. I agree mothers disproportionately get the blame for other stuff, but I've only ever heard other women snipe about someone's home, or about how many clubs or sports another child does.

The in-laws, usually!

What I’m hearing is that your wife previously carried the mental load, you’ve decided to let standards drop instead, now your wife is irritated? Correct assessment? How’s your sex life going? One giant fuck-off pool of resentment? Why don’t you hire a cleaner, or a babysitter so you can clean. Your wife isn’t stupid, she knew letting everything slide was an option, but didn’t pick that from the options.

Is there any evidence he didn't?

We are going away for ht so DH has been really busy at work (he's SE). I also work ft.
Within the last 2 weeks I've been to 2 school meetings with DS, taken him to a physio apt, collected him from all after school activities, filled in the form for his flu vaccine, ordered certain books, paid for a school trip and for non uniform day, get his pE kit laundered for required days, I also need to help him do emails for Duke of Edinburgh, and work experience. Not only would DH not even consider any of these things, half of them he doesn't even know about. (He would struggle to even tell you what year DS was in at school )

Most of those tasks are pretty quick, maybe seconds, but it's having all of that info and remembering to do it.(sometimes at 4am)DH works long hours but has the bonus of not thinking about anything outside of work

I’m a little surprised at how strong a reaction the OP has got here.
I’m female and I operate more like the OP. Kids eat healthily, progress and learn. The house is ok, I don’t care what others think. It’s safe and clean.
I simply don’t spend my life on the ‘mental load’ and I get mildly irritated by friends who cite it often as an excuse to either dump responsibility on me or mess me about with plans. Most tasks people are always citing aren’t time consuming, and the kids can be taught to do a lot independently with mild supervision at a young age - like track clubs, make packed lunches

So my husband is out on his Saturday morning walk. When he is gone, I’ve:
fed cat/cleaned out bowl/mat
put on a load of laundry
swept kitchen floor, swept lounge floor, swept laundry room and porch floors
cleaned downstairs loo
taken out compost bin and cleaned it
unloaded dishwasher and put away dirty dishes
gotten in wood load and kindling for tonight’s fire in the woodstove
answered some emails concerning a journal I edit/book I’m writing
checked to make sure we have enough Christmas cards and stamps, because he asked me to do so.
put the bottle of wine in fridge and chicken breasts to defrost for tonight’s meal
Paid some bills
filled the coffee machine with the beans he likes…big kerfuffle over wrong beans in the machine…too high a roast. Had to make tea every night after dinner when I had my coffee because he wouldn’t drink coffee.

Now, I have to make the beds, and then I can shower/dress so I’m ready to go for another Saturday of cleaning his mum’s house out. This may be unkind, but she was a slob and hoarded things, so this is weekend 7 of clearing out her place. I think we have thrown out at least 150-200 bin bags of junk, and there is probably 5x that to go. We are shortly going to have to borrow a friend’s trailer…we could fill it with just broken electrical appliances that she was still paying maintenance insurance on…the last year before she passed I was sorted all that out. There are nice antiques and valuables mixed it with it all, so we have to go through it to sell, etc.

I am retired now, but when I was working full time I still did all this stuff, but instead of clearing his mum’s house, I was trying to make it semi liveable over there for her, and finally just employed a 2x a week cleaner to keep it sanitary because I just didn’t have the hours in the day. She never cleaned…hired it out or didn’t do it.

I was doing housework last night (cleaning out the fridge and mopping floors) when he was looking at a new car for himself. It never ends. I’ve never had a cleaner or any help for my own house, and as we can easily afford it, I’m starting to wonder why not. This thread has really made me think about all this stuff I’ve done for years without question. I cleaned up after my brother and dad and cooked from the age of 10 because my mum was too ill to do so, cleaned up after boyfriends, cleaned up after my husband, cleaned up after his mum, and I also did scut service work when I worked and sorted out other’s mistakes, and I’m slowly realising I’ve been a mug. I still get requests from ex colleagues to do things for them who are so affronted when I say no because I say I’m retired and I’m not paid to do free work for you. I’m just not answering the emails anymore.

This. Sounds like a very half job so no wonder it was easy.

I have to agree with you. Where I live (in Europe) people:

• Don't decorate their homes for christmas, much less for halloween. I do it because it genuinely brings me joy but I keep it simple, I don't buy extra decoration each year and don't complain about mental load if I choose to do it. (in Scandinavian countries, creating christmas decorations is an activity that the kids get involved in, not a chore for parents to do)
• Nobody sends christmas cards (do people really keep all of them anyway?)
• people turn up to kids birthday parties with orange juice and a cake and that's it. No present or card. Children don't really need 20 presents in addition to the ones they will get from their family. Keeping in mind that most cheap crap people buy are manufactured by enslaved uyghurs and will end uo in landfill, it might be a good idea to rethink the social conventions that make us buy tons of useless stuff).
• The general consensus is that until kids are old enough to wash themselves without assistance, they don't need to be bathed everyday. 2/3 times a week is fine
• It's also ok to let go of routine during the weekend

DH works long hours but has the bonus of not thinking about anything outside of work

Why not? Another one with a super super important job?

You show clearly you don't understand what the mental load actually is.

60% is rarely good enough simply because you felt it was doesn't mean. It is so.

You say you go on amazon and get what they want. That suggests your children are still quite young?

What about the teenager that is into specific Japanese fashion that takes 2-3 months to arrive?

The teenager who wishes tickets for a show/match that goes in sale in September?

The kid that doesnt want anything much as they are going throufh a bad mental stage?

The parent you love dearly that has everything?
The family member that lives abroad so you need to order 2 months before their significant day (tnx Brexit)

None of those can be done on Amazon... most take more than 5 mins too. They require thought and planning.

What about the teenager that is going through their first heartbreak and needs supporting?

The 3 teens whom all has a rugby match in 3 different places on the same day?

The child that's being bullied at school and isn't coping needs additional support?

The dyslexic child that's not being supported at school?

The autistic child who you can't get a EHC plan for?

The child who is suicidal so needs 24 hours watching but you can't get outside support in.

The child with a kidney issue where school keeps calling you as their attendance is low while they are under GOSH for their kidney issue (that was my son btw and school was the one who regular sent him home as he was very sick)

The child whose parent died suddenly who needs more support than before the person was your x and you parted on negative terms.

The parent that starts to suffer from dementia and you need to source support for meanwhile
You pick up the slack.

To me a takeaway a week is not "the occasional" its a regular thing. Also your original post suggested it was more than once a week.

In-between wife coming home from abroad what happened? Did you do a huge clean up before she arrived back? Did she do loads of cleaning while she was home?

While I agree the house doesn't have to be 99% clean and washing doesn't have to be done the same day. To me the house needs to be more than 60% clean and to me the washing needs to be done over the week.

The suggestions above have all been experienced by myself or close friends as we brought our children up btw. I also will bet as your children get older this will all be stuff happening in your children's close circle.

I think it is a throwback to me being a SAHM when DC were young so automatically took on the lions share of school/child admin. We've had multiple conversations about the imbalance now I'm working, but I think he honestly feels that cooking meals at weekends and taking DS to weekend hobbies is sharing the load!

Did you make sure your family were eating healthily and in a balanced way, not running out of anything and not throwing any food away? Did you keep on top of the social calendar and make sure cards or presents were sent out in advance of people's birthdays (and have a system to remember them)? Half arsing everything is fine for a man, but women try to ensure that things run smoothly and life is pleasant/enjoyable/comfortable for everyone.

Of course the pressure isn't present for Dads, why would it be?

This is you benefitting again from the ancient patriarchal systems put in ace and enforced by society to protect men and disadvantage women.

You don't experience it, you don't see it as a problem. The bar is set so much lower for men by men and society and much higher for women by men and society.

Woman are constantly told on here, on life and since time began that they ar home makers and family raisers and that the "hardworking" husband is entitled to come home to a spotless house, a freshly cooked meal, and freshly bathed children asleep in bed. Anything less is unacceptable. That standard is also expected when a Mom goes back to work.

You aren't coping with the mental load because you just aren't doing it. You've let it slip and everything could be better and despite claiming you enjoy cooking, you're ordering more takeaways.

You're just a typical male. You've got low standards for yourself and other males and high standards for women and the brass balls to actually come on and tell women how they are parenting and running a home wrong and mansplain why, and you can't even do it properly yourself.

It's embarrassing at best.

You sound like you're an absolute martyr and yes you have been and still are, a mug.

Sorry.
I hope you manage to change (if you want to)......

Literally every other thread! Women are telling women they are too much or not enough constantly!

Have you ever been on Mumsnet before? It’s BUILT on judgement.

And martyrdom

Child-free so not going to comment on the goady OP or what it's like for parents but one thing that always annoys me is

DH works long hours but has the bonus of not thinking about anything outside of work

the attitude that work is somehow easy street and doesn't come with a huge mental load of its own - my job certainly does and I'm lucky enough to be in a field which is my actual passion. I've seen a lot of posts on here implying that people in full-time jobs are essentially swanning out of the house for a lovely relaxing break all day. Not sure what jobs you've ever had but I've never experienced that!

And the one thing that most mystifies me is the emphasis on remembering birthdays. Particularly your husband's family's birthdays. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. Why would you start. Why would you ever consider that something on your plate. "If I didn't then he wouldn't" well they're his family so that's OK!

I'm sorry, I don't really understand your post OP.

Cooking, cleaning, washing, bath-times, bedtimes for the kids - none of those are the 'mental load'. They're just things that have to be done on a day-to-day basis. Basic household labour, if you like.

Why were you slipping with these? Did you not help with them before your wife got the promotion? Did you literally just sit there and say 'Oh, my big important man-job means I can't put the kids to bed' until there was no other option? You should have already been doing your fair share of these so keeping them going to a good standard shouldn't really have been a big challenge.

The 'mental load' imo relates more to the organising stuff - making sure school and nursery bags are packed, kids have the right kit for the right days, activities are booked, meals are planned and shopping ordered so everyone is eating healthily, lunch box stuff is sorted, parties are rsvp'd to and playdates organised, presents are bought and wrapped, the kids' school schedule is sorted, time off is booked for the nativity plan....and so on, and so on. It's about thinking ahead so everything runs according to plan. And everyone isn't just surviving, they're also thriving.

However you slice it, your OP was criticism of your wife. Putting her down and lauding your relaxed ‘let it slide’ approach. Indirectly you’re also denigrating most women who do carry the majority of a households’ mental load (which is a catch all phrase that doesn’t wholly reflect what’s happening) in having to think about and act on the minutiae of a family. That’s a shitty thing to do IMO.

Again - well done. You’re lucky you get flexible hours. Aren’t you just being a normal helpful person rather than helping? Anyway, thanks for letting us all know.

You do you, babe. I see you didn’t address my other post - what do you want to achieve here? I’m not sure if the is a brag or you explaining to women that they are making too much of a big deal of the work that goes into running a household to try and be helpful. Or do you just get a kick out of goading people to post multiple messages here.

If people feel they are carrying extra mental load, why do you need to diminish how they feel? You’ve found a way to make your life, and that of your family’s, work. You could just leave it there and not have started this at all.

People like to say they are busy. It's a tricky topic because for some of us, organising is easier than it is for others. I remember people being supposedly amazed by a kids party we had. Arrange venue with child, arrange cake with child, arrange decorations with child, agree party list with child, design invitations with child, pick gift bags and toys with child... when the entire thing was turned into a child activity, it was just a nice way of occupying him over a few Saturday mornings, with the added bonus that the party was sorted. It wasn't my mental load, it wasn't even a chore, and it didn't need to be done as an alternative to working.

Homework is written into the weekly routine. Next dentist appointment gets booked when we are there, emails about doctor appointments or club and camp bookings get done during his clubs. Buying clothes or shoes isn't that often etc. Admittedly DH does a bunch of stuff too, but I genuinely get confused about why some find it stressful. I get hundreds of messages at work every day, the level of admin for the household pales into nothing in comparison.

I agree with what previous posters have said, it's not about housework etc, that's just something that gets done I wouldn't put it under mental load.
Mental load is things that need to be planned and thought about, forms filled in etc. This increases significantly with children. This half term for example we have already had : yellow day, parents evening for both, meeting about residential, harvest festival donations request for both, Christmas box donation request for both, school photos, flu jab consent forms for both, school disco. Also managed to source a new NHS dentist as we haven't had one for a time so forms for all of us to complete there.
This is the stuff for me that I feel is mental load, sometimes it is constant emails from the school, making sure to keep on top of dates and remembering what to take in etc. I even set alarms for booking parents evening as obvs only certain times suit so need to book them in early.
I am glad it is half term as it's a breather from all these emails and also thinking about lunch boxes, school uniform etc.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Yes YABU. Without wanting to be goady, just honest, from my experience in the context of family life, most of the "mental load" that women talk about comes from having to remember 100s of exhausting but necessary tiny little things and forward planning that men never notice and don't care about unless they aren't done. Could give a thousand examples but I'm sure others have already.