Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

Sorry to have to say this, but he sounds like a selfish asshole. Your life is going to be miserable if you stay with him. You deserve better.

My DH has no mental load, just like you. Because oh, everythings "fine." It's a broad category fine, essentially fine means you can see the floor, the fridge is full of wine and pot noodles cost £1 at the co-op. It's nothing more than complete laziness. Earlier this week DH got up early and then came back to bed. I asked him why, oh he said there's nothing for me to do. I immediately thought, put away last night's washing up, take clothes out if the dryer, put washing in, take chilli out if the freezer because I'm going to be late home, ask mum what she wants for Christmas, remember to fill up car with petrol. That's mental load.
OP why don't you, instead of expecting your wife to be happy with your shit standards, try to meet hers. Don't be pot noodle man.

FWIW, I'm divorced with no kids, and I feel I have a large mental load. I've just finished a dozen years caring for my parents, so maybe it will feel different down the road, but I feel I've always had a large mental load. Perhaps it's because I've always had demanding jobs, and there is always just SO much other stuff to do.

Everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, remembering the significant things going on in the lives of people I care about and asking them about it, endless bills to pay, so many preventative tests and scans to schedule (smears, mammograms, MRIs - it's complicated), regular medications to fill, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, fix broken lamp, fix the blind that fell down, gift for the ward that cared for my mum, start complaint with hospital about some of her care, call Amazon over a 120-pound gift card that disappeared from my account, fix Netflix, call Apple because they've locked my password, same with a Samsung electronic I own, arrange some returns and take them to the post office.

And that's just me, folks!!!!

My ex-H has never suffered from mental load in his life.

Maybe us women are just generally more detailed.

You say that birthday presents takes 5 mins if you know what they want. But we're also talking about everyone else's Xmas and birthday presents. There's the extended family and little birthday presents for their little friends when they're invited to parties, and knowing when those parties are and taking your kid - and replying to birthday party invitations in the first place. And then there's making sure that your kid writes thank-you notes for their gifts. (Not the small ones from their little schoolfriends, but to the family and any family friends who sent birthday and Christmas gifts.)

These are all the things we think of because guys don't!

Christ and I'm not even a mum. 😂

ETA: I forgot about the birthday cards! Lord, the cards. So many cards.

Well, OP, the women on here have given dozens and dozens of examples of ALL the work that goes into running a home and raising children well, and you don't seem to have taken any of it onboard. (I'm feeling triggered, remembering my own experiences of living with my undomesticated ex-H, who had to ask me where the towels were kept, because he didn't know, even though we had a small 2-bed house.)

Anyway, you're not receptive to the idea that your wife might be right to do more than your 60% and that therefore she has a greater mental load than you, no matter how many examples you're given, so I guess you and your wife will just have to go on being at odds over this stuff.

I mean, if you’ve got 5 dual citizens in the house, with 10 different passport expiry dates between them, and you need to take each kid to the Embassy in person during office hours and fill in a bunch of forms and bring several documents and officially notarised statements to get the passport renewed, and you’re trying to visit family in both countries of origin on a regular basis which requires everyone travelling on both passports that are not too close to expiry, it does become a total ball ache. It’s not just a trip to Snappy Snaps every 5 years.

Some people’s lives are more complex than others, with more intrinsic red tape. It doesn’t mean they’re all just shitter at life, or making a meal of it. The stuff they need to do is actually different from the stuff you need to do.

Totally agree re: cleaning sinks though.

100% agree!

I live abroad and people are very relaxed here re kids. The strict British “routine” that must be enforced at the expense of everything else just isn’t a thing here. People are much more chilled about their kids and as a result, much happier. For example, kids of any age go to bed at about 9 (at the earliest) and at weekends or holidays they go to bed whenever - often taken out to family events, dinners, parties, and so on. No thought to the “routine” being messed up. So both parents and children have a much better and social lifestyle and children are very much involved in everything and very happy as a result!

My UK friends race home trying to cook dinner absurdly early - around 5, to feed the kids half an hour later and then struggle to get them to sleep when it’s still super early and often broad daylight outside in summer! Then stress all evening as the kids won’t sleep. They then get woken up crazy early in the morning and that makes them stressed too. Just not a thing I’ve heard of here, but seems to be a huge issue for my British friends.

Takeout is a very affordable and acceptable thing here. Often costs the same or less to order than to buy cooking ingredients! So no shame about ordering takeout and the takeout meals will be the same sort of thing you’d cook at home anyway (local food), so just as healthy as cooking. Takes off another stress.

People also don’t bathe their kids every day as the National health recommendations here are that it’s terrible for a child’s skin (which I agree with), so maybe a bath twice/three times a week unless kids are visibly dirty. Whereas my British friends will bathe their kids literally every single night. It’s just such a rush and stress for them, but I think all of it is totally unnecessary!

Do you love and respect your wife? If so, stop looking for things to gripe about. This doesn't make a happy marriage.

Dh is better than me at some things, worse at others but we both value each other's contributions. We thank each other. You seem to have got into a negative spiral about who does what and how.

The only person you can change is yourself so stop with the competitive bullshit and start appreciating what your wife does. How you're both currently behaving, arguing about whose standards 'win' is a miserable way to live. It'll make you bitter. Approach things with love and grace and your marriage will be better for it. Alternatively build your fortress to snipe from and be unhappy in your marriage or get divorced. What's better for you and your kids?

And of course I’m not saying that things don’t come up which are stressful. Appointments, exams, things to remember, etc. it’s just that it’s much easier to manage when you’re not massively stressing about the small stuff.

The OP has had a hard time as actually if you read the posts, he’s been doing the important stuff without making a fuss.

I think some people do over egg the mental load a bit but I think often it’s the last straw when something isn’t working in a family set-up. We both had stressful jobs last year and the mental load stuff felt real- since I’ve changed jobs to relieve a bit of pressure it isn’t really a problem- some of it just is about being organised and some is chilling a bit about the small stuff.

How's the working culture there? Because I need to fit in 50-80 hours a week around the dc's schedule. I NEED the DC in bed or at least quiet in bedrooms by 7:30/8 so I can work for a few hours.

Takeaways aren't healthy or affordable here so they shouldn't be considered a viable regular alternative to home cooked meals.

My 10yo stinks if theyre not showered at least every other day and I don't think it's fair to let them smell.

It's a different cultural set up in the UK for sure but that doesn't make it less valid.

I don’t always order takeaways, but just have a nice Sunday afternoon batch cooking because I enjoy it! Get kids set up with an activity and get on with it with a podcast on. It’s very relaxing and makes the whole week easier.

Surely children, by the age they’re sweating and starting to smell, can have a shower without parent help?

The working culture is actually a lot more intense here (than if I were doing the same job in the UK). I do 9 hours a day work, not including studying for professional development course! So it’s not just that everyone has less responsibilities. They just don’t stress about the small stuff. Like a kid breaking their routine - the obsessive routines are, I think, the cause of most British people finding the child years challenging.

It’s like ‘life admin’ - when posters make a big deal about that on MN. I’m always like - what IS that? Is it just like, pay a bill, arrange an appointment, get a new visa or passport or whatever? Of course sometimes stuff comes up, and it can be vaguely irritating to sort it. But MN posters make out like it’s relentless and constant and they’re so exhausted by it. I don’t get it.

I found the mental load ok until my kids went to school, then it seemed to suddenly get a lot more to keep on top of. Homework, uniform, sorting out before and after school club and holiday club, booking lunches or making lunches, trips, non uniform days. The list goes on! I think it pushed me over from tolerable to hard !

I'd be interested to know what your wife's actual complaints are

I actually agree with you OP. Last year I went to a full time after (I now realise ) bliss of part time. My standards have lowered, I make decisions more quickly and things can be a little last minute. It was definitely better the previous way but I've also learnt to be more efficient.

I think you've named a lot of household jobs, but not 'mental load'. DH does more household jobs than me too (he works less) but does almost no mental load. And I am not a very routineised person who stresses if the sheets aren't changed or we have random dinners. And I refuse to do wifework like remembering his family's birthdays. I don't have 'standards' really.

It's a lot - we have one kid with SN and absolutely loads of appointments and paperwork (SEN is a feminist issue); two different primary schools. E.g. as an example one child has to go to school in full victorian dress in a couple of weeks. Someone has to remember that, organise the costume, pay the money to school for the day. None of those things are huge on their own but it lives in my head, not his, along with loads of tiny things. He's never organised a holiday club (had to remind him this week he'd need to arrange his work schedule around drop off and pick up for holiday club) etc etc. That's mental load- the advance planning. Not sticking a wash on.

It seems to me it isn't the mental load itself that pisses people off, it's the fact that it isn't shared fairly, and so it breeds resentment.

I found that the mental load became a non-issue once I was divorced. Maybe your wife will feel the same, OP?

My thoughts exactly. Perfect demonstration of not understanding the mental load from another lazy prick.

I personally don't suffer with mental load, I like being the organiser, ensuring things are done in my own ways. If I relied on someone else as organised as they maybe, it would stress me out wondering if they had done it and to my satisfaction. Both my partner and I are happy with this way, some however may not be and mental load is real.

Such as, my brother in law, he suffered with it and it caused many arguments in his relationship because his partner was just so not bothered about what she considered the minimal things in life and a few of them were not actually minimal.

It put a toll on his mental health because when he was not around, things just didn't get done because she simply did not care about the same things. They obviously were not compatible and ended up breaking up, he does not feel the mental load anymore, however, I still see her and she now does because she only has herself to rely on.

60% is not a performance target to shout about. It's C-grade parenting at best. As people tend to over-estimate their own competence at things like this, the reality is probably substantially below 60%.

Nobody can get everything perfect all the time, but we should probably aim to do better than that. If most people went into a workplace performance review and were proud of 60%, they'd find themselves on a performance management pathway.

I'd also suggest working on communication, empathy and attitude/respect towards women, as these seem to be additional areas in which a performance need has emerged.

In terms of differences in standards, women are judged much more harshly on the state of their homes and their kids welfare. So if she's more stressed than you that will be a big part of why. Any efforts you go to in those areas get a big pat on the back from society as a whole (and from yourself too it seems) as you aren't expected to ultimately responsible for any of it and she is expected to be ultimately responsible for all of it.

I agree with this. We're an international couple and I just don't get the obsession with routine here. It seems so counterproductive.
There's a difference between a life with no structure and getting stressed because teeth brushing and book reading have happened the wrong way round or because children are not asleep by 8 when their natural bedtime is 9.
And my pet peeves, like you raise, wanting social events to be orchestrated around said routine rather than just enjoying life and letting kids adapt - they do.

OP, it sounds like you are doing just fine but regardless of whether the kids were happy, I personally would not have been happy with butlins. It's not about getting by, it's about putting your heart into giving your spouse and kids a good experience.
Your spouse is not getting as good an experience as she gave you, and you're prioritising your stress levels over her wellbeing even in important instances (holidays). That's pretty selfish.

I don’t consider mental load the actual doing of things but the planning of things.
Planning and doing the shopping.
Knowing what needs paying.
Organising for trips and school events (ie getting tickets, paying on time).
Booking in the MOT and sorting insurance.
Sorting bdays and Xmas ahead of time so there is no last min worry.
Taking children to health appointments like dentist and eye tests.

What you’ve said is just the day to day running and if the rest is being done behind the scenes it doesn’t matter if it’s messy so long as things are prepared. For example, if you haven’t washed bedding but a child is sick on their bed tonight is there clean spares somewhere? If there is you’ve preempted the problem by anticipating this could happen at any time. That’s mental load.

I am a mum who doesn’t find there is any mental load to life admin. I have the kids three days this half term and I haven’t planned anything, other than booked a hair cut. I’m just going to wing it. I know other mums plan every day with activities in and out of home.