Is the "Mental Load" exaggerated.

[whatnow123]

I know the concept of the "mental load" gets a lot of discussion, so bear with me here. My wife and I have three kids (twins who are 5 and an 8-year-old), and I used to agree that I didn’t carry my share of the mental load. But two years ago, my wife got a big promotion that required her to work away a lot, so I condensed my hours and took over most of the household tasks—cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.

The first couple of months were chaotic, but soon things settled. Life felt more relaxed without the usual structure: bath times and bedtimes slipped a bit, the house wasn’t always tidy, favorite clothes weren’t always washed, I’d order takeout when family visited, and holidays were planned last minute etc etc Yet, there were no real issues.

Now that my wife is home more, she's stressed about how things are organised and once again the "mental load" is bringing her mood down. She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things, but obviously she wasn't home a lot so had to ignore.

Am I being unreasonable to think that much of the stress of the “mental load” comes from pressures we put on ourselves, and that with the right mindset, it doesn’t have to be anywhere near as overwhelming?

The only thing I would mention is that I do a lot of tidying up after my dh that he doesn’t even notice, because I find his standards unacceptably low, but recognise that he would be happy to live like that - eg if he washes up, he doesn’t clean the sink once the washing up water has drained away, so the next morning, you come downstairs to tide marks. Or he will hoover but not dust anything. His father lived in a filthy, dusty mess with mould growing on things when he no longer had a dw living with him. So, to an extent I agree that much of the stress comes from pressure people put on themselves, but some of the stress also comes from others being willing to live in the sort of mess that anyone living with them actually finds somewhat unpleasant and stressful, but they don’t notice…

One thing - it sounds as though the things you were doing were done almost dispassionately - they needed to be done and were achieved to an acceptable level. How much emotional investment was involved? Did you strategise to avoid conflicts for example? Was your approach basically utilitarian or did it include taking into account thoughts, feelings and nuance of other family members.

Personally, a large amount of the mental load includes what some might consider "over-thinking" ie. consideration of how things might be achieved without tantrums or resentment etc. Anticipation of possible outcomes and having back up strategies when things go tits up. Not just planning for a moment, but forward planning too. Because from experience if something goes wrong for any reason, some bright spark will always ask why you're not psychic and didn't plan for the completely unpredictable.....

He hasn't backpedalled - he's clarified a lot of the assumptions made by posters on here wanting him to self flagellate while repeating "shame" at himself for his relaxed approach and less than perfect standards..

Many women struggle with the mental load because their partners don't carry any of it. OP seems to manage just fine, presumably because his wife still carries some of the mental load even while she's away/ abroad and pulls her weight when she's home.

He's allowed to not find it hard. He would do well, however, to acknowledge that his wife is held to a much higher standard in this regards than he is (doesn't make the standard right or necessary), and so her concerns and frustration are partially borne out of the sexism she faces. I think OP and his wife would benefit from couples therapy to deal with this issue as neither of them is necessarily wrong- they just appear to have different standards and expectations for their shared home and family life, and need to come to mutual agreement and compromise.

I've always thought the mental load thing is more to do with inequality. Single parents have roughly the same mental load, but tend to be less ground down by it.

When you have the mental load plus a few extra items for your partner (or a lot of extra, if he's a real prat), yet are supposed to be in a partnership, it really gets on your tits that you're doing all this unseen, unacknowledged work while said partner floats on the cushion of support you provide.

A friend of mine, after yeeeearrs of trying to explain and re-establish equality, asked her husband for a divorce. It was the only thing that was wrong with their marriage, but the cumulative effect was that they seemed to be living different lives (and his was much pleasanter). That finally galvanised him to bloody use the planner on the wall, the family Outlook, and to take part in his children's lives instead of just showing up for parts of them. Lat time I saw him, he was ironing the kids' uniforms 👍🏻

This would be like me and DH , he pays bills by direct debit eg the money passively comes put of his bank account.
I do just about all the mental load, I don't think he understands what it is. Once DS sports team was looking for someone to run the team for that age group. I didn't want to do it as I'd done it before. DH persuaded me we'd do it together.
Basically I created a WhatsApp group and messaged everyone the fixture dates asking who was available. Then emailed other clubs to liase on times/availability etc. Put together a team, arranged lift shares and DH drove DS and possibly some team mates to the matches after I'd told him what time and where it was. Then I had to go on the (stupidly user-unfriendly) league website to enter results. Repeat a few times a month.

My husband is like you OP - he does the majority of housework and "mental load" I'd say because I'm lazy at home. He also loves to cook and cooks me and DC meals and genuinely loves it. But he's never stressed out - and we both work full time too.

I grew up with a mum who was constantly worried about the home being perfect and a dad who did nothing at home. My mum was very stressed out and a perfectionist in all areas of life.

I think the reality is some people are calmer and just get on with housework things/let things slide more. My DH is like that but I also know women like that.

I will say though that my relationship is very unusual - for all of my female friends they do way more at home than their partners. So there does seem to be a very unfair "mental load split" generally for women.

Personally I don't find it stressful though because I don't take it on

Sure, but it applies to many of the rest of us whose problem is not that we’re uptight perfectionists making ourselves and our families pointlessly miserable and squeezing all the joy and spontaneity out of life with our unattainable Instagram aesthetic and masochistic high standards - but that someone else is using all the get out of jail free cards and if some of the important stuff is going to get done it always falls to us, and we end up being ‘bad cop’ while the other parent gets to enjoy being laid back chippy dinner stay up late fun dad.

If your wife likes things at a certain standard OP and you are better at carrying the mental load - why don't you do things to that same standard?
It's not the mental load that you're objecting to, it's your wife's standards.
You've somehow managed to blame her for being stressed about trying to maintain her standards, which you don't respect and try and keep to, even though it's 'easy' for you?
Also a few things - has it defaulted back to her now she's not away so much?
Don't you think other people's judgement is harsher on her than the man 'coping so well' while his wife is away?
Also children's age is a big factor was your wife carrying the mental load when the children were much younger?

Ok we need your wife on here for her side of the story!

Oh for the confidence of a mediocre man

Op, I like your approach more than some of the previous posters, who drives themselves crazy with FOMO and anxiety. Who cares if you spend 3 pounds more on Amazon instead of "doing research" and getting the best deal on Christmas present. Chances are it will end up in the landfill in 3 months anyways. Pareto rule says 20 % of the effort gives 80% of result, and it seems you are on top of the important things.

Hello. I’m glad that you found things ok while your wife was away but I don’t know why that fact leads to the sweeping generalisation that maybe the whole mental load thing is something women self create and it’s just a question about mindset. You understand that others might not experience things the same as you, right? You did what you did against a societal reaction of wow what a hero dad doing all this stuff which is just not how women are judged. What did you do before your wife went away? And presumably you are keeping this all up now your wife has returned? Or does it all get handed back to her after this successful stint, together with helpful comments that she just needs to adjust her mindset….You have clearly found the key to everything. Women just need to calm down and relax. Please go forth and let the world know that you have solved the issue of mental load. Well done.

Inevitably, some things revert back to different standards. I'm more of an under-thinker, while my wife is an over-thinker. She has a specific way of doing things and feels stressed when they aren't done that way, whereas my range of "acceptable" is broader.

I probably handled about a third of what she typically manages, and she's content with that. But truly appreciating what she does is what matters most. Being a perfectionist, she feels the mental load more intensely, so showing her genuine, unabashed appreciation means more than simply stepping into her shoes.

Apart from the thing about different standards, I think some people probably just find it much harder to juggle stuff than others, so what feels like an onerous burden to one person can seem like a complete fuss about nothing to others. I think that's why some people go on about the mental load as if it's a big thing and others think it's trumped up nonsense.

I can kind of see it from both perspectives because, as someone that has adhd, I'm usually turbo-charged to the extent that other people seem to feel exhausted even at the thought of how much I manage to pack into an ordinary day while I think nothing of it, but then there are times when I struggle with such hideous task paralysis that I can't even manage the most basic things on my to-do list. I imagine that most people probably live in the middle of my two extremes but some will be nearer to one end of the continuum than the other.

For me personally, the term "mental load" doesn't actually mean anything much at all. On a good day, I just have a load of stuff that needs doing and I get on with it without overthinking it. On a bad day, just having to get up and clean my teeth or send a simple one-line text can feel like a massive mental burden. So I do understand how easy it is for people to get overwhelmed by really quite small things. I suspect a lot of it is just about perception and how we describe it to ourselves.

Honestly. Now everyone has listed what the actual mental load is. I'm better at it than I previously thought.

This thread has given me more ammunition to show my wife how great I am.

How do you plan in advance for illness needing a doctor’s appointment? You were lucky you could condense your hours I suppose, with an understanding employer.

Honestly, what are you trying to achieve here? Well done, you parented. I’m delighted you didn’t feel the mental load that some people have. Doesn’t mean that they don’t feel it. There's all sorts of contributing factors to the mental load - money worries, children with extra needs, caring for older relatives, a demanding job. Even if someone doesn’t have the above, this sort of ‘what are you worrying about’ thread doesn’t help as much as you think it does.

Is it not part of your wife’s mental load now that she has had to adjust her mindset to things not being as nice as she’d like? I’m really not sure how she is getting a good deal here.

Also, sounds like she had years of carrying this during the hardest years when the children were small. I hope you helped at night with the twins.

🏅 here you go op. you can stop now

I have learnt today that people:
wash their windows frequently ( at all)
still post Christmas cards
remember and acknowledge their in-laws wedding anniversary
clean the sink every night
have stamps in their home

Absolutely astounded.

Well , I am apparently a man ( don't worry I'm actually as female who is as terfy as they come) because I could not give a flying feck about any of that, regularly leave not only a "tideline" in my kitchen sink but a whole stack of dirty dishes.
I have not only forgotten dressup day ( only once tbf) but actually twice sent a child on the wrong day to school - one was first day of pre-school and they rang and said "Erm we were expecting A to be starting today and as it's 10am..."
Me - "holy shite I thought that was tomorrow, I'd bring him in now but we are in our pj's watching Ben and Holly so it will have to be tomorrow"
The other I sent on a "pupil free day". Luckily DH had driven him, noticed the strange lack of kids for a 1000 student school and brought him home again.
My house is a mess but generally clean .
My walk-in pantry is so full I have to play tetris to get the soy sauce to fit.
I currently have 3 baskets full of clean laundry on my lounge room floor.
I have though raised 4 amazing human beings. The youngest lives with us ( and our 9 animals) and one of the adult ones alternates living with us and is here this weekend with his lovely gf.
I warned her the house was a tip before she arrived , but that was it ( disclaimer my parents have been in and out of hospital - alternating , sigh - for the last 6 months and the one not in hospital lives with me or my sibling.
I've also been sick so 2024 can get in the bin) - sorry for random rant.

Anyway OP I agree with you, people need to stop stressing!
I went to a funeral yesterday and it was 2 hours of lovely thoughts and photos about the person. Nobody mentioned their clean house!

Try to work to a compromise OP. Takeaway once a fortnight for example - kids choice.

Well... there is definitely less for you to do when you don't bother doing things.

Takeaways when family visit etc yeah agree. But for me the mental load is actually the needing to be the person who is steering the ship all the time. My husband will do whatever I ask but I have to ask. I have to think about it all and have all the initiative and care about it. And that honestly sucks. It creates an imbalanced power dynamic too. Because if I have to say "can you mow the 6ft high grass" he is doing it because I asked, not because it needs to be done. If I say "can you read with DD" it is a job I have delegated. That makes me the manager. There are no remuneration packages here to compensate me for this extra responsibility, so it isn't fair. It isnt a case of my husband not doing enough - he does easily 50%. It is just a case of him not thinking enough.

So, the whole point is, the mental load isn't doing, it's thinking. Of course it is easier when the mental load isn't yours; it is your wife's.

Since my wife returned to work, due to flexibility in my job I've always done my fair share. Her career has rocketed in last few years and with young kids, a helpful partner, is at least useful in facilitating that. Which I believe I have been.

😄. I've enjoyed this. Now should I show my wife this thread.

I agree with the PP who said feeling the burden of the mental load is actually about resentment and inequality, and the ‘managing’ aspect others have talked about. But some of it does seem to be just noise I have to say. Eg MN collectively seems to spend a lot of time ‘organising birthday cards for extended family’, cleaning sinks, de-fleaing cats and renewing passports. It says a lot about the pressure mothers are under to be ON TOP of everything all the time. This thread seems wild to me but it’s all obviously real and pressing when you’re in it.

The concept of 'mental load' is a bit ridiculous, imo. It's just the relentlessness of life - you just need to get on with it.

Perhaps you would care to be a bit more specific about your wife’s concerns op?

Because if you are that great, this thread wouldn’t exist would it? 😀

Your op said; “She admitted that it seriously annoyed her how lax i was with things,”

The mental load imho is not about the pressures we put on ourselves; it’s about anticipating, being pro-active and taking the initiative, not just reacting to events. So stress does not arise in the first place!

Anyway; if your wife is saying that the mental load is bringing her mood down; surely your focus should be on that, and not trying to prove that her feelings aren’t valid?