Three's a crowd

[Threesacrowd12]

What would you do.

Free music event in town. Going with another couple. We are all in our 50's.

Mentioned in passing to elderly mother, plans for the weekend. Said she might go with her friend. No problem

Next time we speak, wants to know what time we are going, mentions her friend not available and it suddenly dawns on me she thinks she is meeting us there.

Nearly eighty, no mobility so has a stroller, needs to sit away from music, lots of demands.

Try explaining that we are going with another couple, gets shitty about not supporting her.

Don't feel comfortable about mum tagging along, husband says he isn't going, changes the dynamics of the group (only 4 of us) and I can't see the other couple being too pleased about me bringing my mum (one of them knows her, the partner doesn't)

Apart from not going I see no other option

I'd take her along. Why would other people be unhappy that she's there? I don't think it would bother me if a friend's mum came. I'd feel mean if I didn't (even if I really didn't want to) you don't know how many of these things she has left.

Just say that you're going with others and want to spend time with them enjoying the music, could you offer to take her another time?

I would just say she can't come because you already have arrangements.

Because she has no mobility, needs to be away from the music, OP won't be able to enjoy herself whilst being a carer for her mum...who wasn't invited

Take her along and don't be such a dickhead.

My mum is involved with a lots of things me ans my husband do. He tolerates his MIL being involved but on this occasion I want to go out with my friends and had arranged to. It doesn't happen very often.
I don't want to feel on egg shells looking after my mum who has invited herself and no matter how much I love her, is a serial complainer.

Just say your friends have plans to sit in the noisey area with you so it won't be her type of night..
Can't imagine you or your friends would enjoy the night the way dm wants it to be...

I can't imagine not taking my mum on that situation. I'd have invited her and her friend to join us as soon as I heard they were interested, and if my friends had an problem with it, I'd be having second thoughts about the friends, but they wouldn't.

Do you not include disabled peole your own agbecuaause it takes a bit of effort to accommodate their needs too?

Are you joking?! I’d be so pissed off if I planned to go to a gig with another couple and one of their elderly mothers with no mobility came along!

The friend can’t come. So it would be OP’s DH out for a nice night out with his wife and friends. Oh, and his elderly and immobile MIL.

would we really all be ok with that?!

You could say that you want to spend some time with these friends and they like to be near the band so not this time.

Your dm is a grown up. You aren't responsible for her social life surely?

OP you planned a night out with a particular group of people. You mum was not invited on this occasion. You can plan something else with her.

'Next time mum, we've made arrangements already for this one'.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

oh god no idea - just take her along bless

Your mum is not part of your party. Remind her.

It's not about her being older or disabled, it's about her not being invited.

I wouldn't exclude anyone for being immobile no, and what does elderly have to do with anything except that it's brought the immobility?

It’s ok to say No .. it does not make you a bad person. You are an adult, and you are allowed to make decisions on how you spend your time, and who with.

Don’t let guilt rule your life.

I'm really shocked at the responses. In my friendship group we bring along all sorts of misfits, it's what makes the group so vibrant.

I'd be horrified if someone wasn't invited because their disabilities might make things tricky.

And yes one of my friends quite often brings his mother, in her late 70s. She's a blast.

Because it changes the dynamic. My mum is in her 60s and my DGM (who I love very much) is in her 80s and essentially unable to walk or hear.

going out with my DGM is a totally different experience than going out with anyone else. It needs careful planning and it needs to be tailored to her. I’d also not be able to chat to anyone else as I’d spend the whole evening having to shout loudly at her so she could hear. I’d not take my DGM on a night out with my mates. I just wouldn’t 🤷‍♀️

Maybe changing the dynamic would be fun?

But either way, it's OK to exclude disabled people to protect your dynamic?

I actually have a severely disabled younger sibling who nows lives in care which my mum was sole carer for. But for her to experience anything like holidays, trips to shops, eating out it was down to me and my husband to take them both. We are absolutely more than experienced at inclusively but you don't invite yourself out on soneones prearranged plans, then make demands as to how the day will pan out.

I’d add an apostrophe.

I'm not excluding on disability. I don't want to go out with another couple with my mum tagging along.

Bless her, of course you should take her.