Three's a crowd

[Threesacrowd12]

What would you do.

Free music event in town. Going with another couple. We are all in our 50's.

Mentioned in passing to elderly mother, plans for the weekend. Said she might go with her friend. No problem

Next time we speak, wants to know what time we are going, mentions her friend not available and it suddenly dawns on me she thinks she is meeting us there.

Nearly eighty, no mobility so has a stroller, needs to sit away from music, lots of demands.

Try explaining that we are going with another couple, gets shitty about not supporting her.

Don't feel comfortable about mum tagging along, husband says he isn't going, changes the dynamics of the group (only 4 of us) and I can't see the other couple being too pleased about me bringing my mum (one of them knows her, the partner doesn't)

Apart from not going I see no other option

I do feel sorry that she can’t go because her friend has had to drop out, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have made your own arrangements for the night. If she has to sit away from the loud music and that’s what you wanted to go to enjoy, then your intentions/needs are too at odds, I think.

Exactly what @Larrythebloodycat said, information diet. I’m not surprised your Dh is pouting about her going and says he won’t. If the situation was reversed, everyone would be saying’You have a DH problem, either it’s you or his mum’. She doesn’t get to come everywhere, it just isn’t appropriate for her to gatecrash an evening out you’re having with your mates.

Your mother is being unreasonable. She didn’t ask you to go to an event she got tickets for, she is trying to gatecrash something you’d planned for yourself and your friends.

Even if she was physically able, I’d be annoyed as a friend if someone turned up with their elderly mother. Totally changes the dynamic.

My MIL is annoyed I didn’t buy her tickets to go to the panto and Santa with us. Problem is she complains incessantly, is fussy about what/where she will eat, does nothing to help with our children and never puts her hand in her pocket… so I have no inclination to invite her on our outings!!

Op the evening will dictate around her needs.. mine same age. So no.

She's old enough to know to not gatecrash someone else's night out!

I go out regularly with my mum, mil and my 90 yo gran.

No way would I let them crash a night planned with pals. Nor would they try.

I'd be raging if a planned night ended up with someone's immobile mother.

What?! People are allowed to have a social life away from their parents. Good grief.

I’d take her, set her up to enjoy the music and then do my own thing and just pop back now and then. That’s what I do with my dad who isn’t mobile but likes going to events.

But of course you don’t have to. Just go and don’t make plans to meet her or share any info about your plans.

Say it's not goign to work and offer an alternative.

I think it's nice so many people would take her.

Maybe one of the people responding can pick her up and go with her?

Your DH and you need a night with friends. She's old enough to know better.

@IlooklikeNigella oh get lost and I bet you dont look like Nigella !

😂

I'd love to still have my mam here and take her and all her frailties to a concert she wanted to go to- even if it meant I missed out with friends.

🙄

That’s you, but maintaining friendships is really important. They will be the same friends there for op when her mother is no longer here.

I'd just say that you're going with friends for this one, but will take her another time.

It would never occur to my mum to expect to be included when DH and I meet friends and vice versa.

You're just trying to make OP feel guilty. Maybe you had a closer relationship with your mother and would always put her above things that you had arranged with friends.

I don't believe that elderly people should always get their own way, irrespective of how unreasonable they are being, on the basis that they might die soon. It's just emotional blackmail.

If your mum is so frail this may be one of her last chances to go to something like this.
You will have other gigs, she may not

Laying on the emotional blackmail several inches thick!
DM can’t be that close to the stairwell of heaven if she is considering a rock band for a night out - just saying!

GOOD parents encourage their children to have strong relationships beyond the parental bond to ensure they have a solid and healthy support structure after their departure. They cheer on good friends and want their children to enjoy their lives, knowing their social life is their responsibility and not coercing others to manage it for them.

No, I'm not trying to make OP feel guilty. I am saying how I feel. I wish I had that opportunity to still do things like that with my mam. She never blackmailed me, emotionally or otherwise. I still miss her every day.

Ugh, one of these posts 🤨

We can all be wise after an event.

Sorry, OP I’ve nothing useful to say but I feel for you. 😬

What the emotional blackmail posters are failing to realise is that tomorrow isn’t promised for any one of us, unfortunately. The unpleasant fact is, anything anyone does could be the last time we do that thing. That doesn’t just apply to the elderly.

Nobody needs to live their life for someone else, just in case they die tomorrow.

My mum ended up at the event with a friend, which started at lunch, stayed for a couple of artists, we overlapped for a couple of songs, she was sat on the outskirts, bought her a couple of lemonades but she said it was far too loud for them and they left soon after.

What an odd remark. I simply meant I wish my mam was still alive to be able to do things with as we used to. I miss everything about having my relationship with her.