Three's a crowd

[Threesacrowd12]

What would you do.

Free music event in town. Going with another couple. We are all in our 50's.

Mentioned in passing to elderly mother, plans for the weekend. Said she might go with her friend. No problem

Next time we speak, wants to know what time we are going, mentions her friend not available and it suddenly dawns on me she thinks she is meeting us there.

Nearly eighty, no mobility so has a stroller, needs to sit away from music, lots of demands.

Try explaining that we are going with another couple, gets shitty about not supporting her.

Don't feel comfortable about mum tagging along, husband says he isn't going, changes the dynamics of the group (only 4 of us) and I can't see the other couple being too pleased about me bringing my mum (one of them knows her, the partner doesn't)

Apart from not going I see no other option

😂 I lost my beloved grandad and was devastated. One of the reasons was not that I didn’t invite him to my VI form prom

This. What do you mean there’s no alternative. Of course there is, you say no, you can come next time but you have plans with friends for this one. She can’t just invite herself along, I’d be pissed off too if I was the husband or other couple.

And if op’s husband died suddenly? (sorry op- sure he won’t, just making a point!)

We cannot stop doing things we want to do with people we want to do them with in favour of someone who might die soon. Thats absurd. And I’m sure most normal parents would not expect their children to stop living their lives in the way they want to - just in case they feel guilty when you die.

I never said her mother might dies soon. 😂
I didn't read it as her DH wasn't going because her mum was, just that he had decided not to go.
Anyway, she's got three choices but she only wants to make one so she should make it.

Tell her it’s a date night and she’d be their wheel.

I wouldn’t tag along with my children however old they are, and especially not when they hve a date night planned.

I know, another poster did - that’s why it was in a separate paragraph to my address to you.

I thought it read perfectly clearly that op’s husband had refused to go if his mil went.

I wouldn’t take her. I think anyone saying they would in the circs you’ve described is lying.

I wish I had a parent still ☹️

Practically, what is the set up at the music event likely to be? Will there be plenty of readily available seating? Sufficient toilets/portaloos that are easily accessible? What if the weather is bad - is it indoors or are there places providing cover if it starts to pour down?

Those would be the factors I would be considering here as I suspect these things could well impact how much she will actually enjoy the event, regardless of you agreeing to chaperone her or not.

My DM is 71 and a pretty young 71 at that. DH and I regularly socialise with her and my Dad; holidays and trips away, nights out for meals including NYE etc, and I do genuinely enjoy her company as does my DH. She also knows loads of my friends and has been out with us in the past and we’ve all had great times.

But she suffers with her feet and knees if she has to stand up too long or walk around too much and (from hard earned experience from a very soggy Manchester Christmas Markets trip some years back), she does not enjoy being out and about in rubbish weather. She also wouldn’t demand/guilt me into spending the day/night looking after her rather than me doing what I had already planned - having a good time drinking, dancing and socialising with friends and DH.

Take her. I’ve realised how short life can be recently and you really need to appreciate your parents and enjoy them while you can. Go, have fun and make some memories. Don’t grudge her a night out cos it’s a bit of a faff.

Not sure why someone suggested changing the dynamic might be fun. A music event in the quiet area doesn't sound fun at all.

So we have to put up with inconsiderate behaviour from people because one day they may die?

Honestly OP, just say you have plans with your friends. As some one else said - on here it is accepted that the dynamic changed when teens/kids are invited to adult events - the same would be true of your mother.

My mum is involved with a lots of things me ans my husband do He tolerates his MIL being involved but on this occasion I want to go out with my friends and had arranged to. It doesn't happen very often

IMO the bolded bit makes all the difference OP; if you never included her in anything she might have something to complain about, but since you do it seems unfair for her to tag along to something where you'd rather not have her

If it's becoming an expectation maybe it's time to start attending more things as just you two? Not to exclude her completely of course, but to avoid what you're facing now

There is a world of difference in accomodating a disabled friend/relatives needs that are known in advance...

For example, we're going to a gig, advance book accessible seating... plan on going to a bar before/after for drinks so make sure its one that is actually accessible..

To suddenly changing plans last minute that dramatically change the evening - split the group up so someone can sit in the accessible spot with Mum (will there even be one? has Mum pre-booked it?) and no bar before or after because it will be too loud/too late for Mum/she doesn't like drinking and doesn't want to do that.

Adding folk to an event last minute is fine and lovely to do IF that persons needs fit with the rest of the group. If they don't, it is unreasonable of them to expect the whole group to alter their plans.

She needs to sit away from the music so how would a music event be fun for her?

Rightfully so! This is a planned outing between friends and nothing to do with exclusion. You have the right to have a social life without your mum and you seem to include her alot anyway so please do not feel guilty. She was actually quite cheeky to invite herself! If my Mil (in her eighties) had an outing with friends I wouldn't dream of inviting myself! This has nothing to do with discrimination, get a grip some of you.

I've just found life is better when you say yes, rather than seeing the down side of everything. Throw yourself into everything and it almost always turns out good.

I hate the emotional blackmail that elderly people could die soon so you must give into every demand or feel guilty forever.

Also, it may be the case for you and maybe the OP, but not everyone would give anything just to have a deceased relative back for 5 minutes.

I'd just say no it's a day out with friends.

I would be pissed off to be honest. Long hard week at work, want to let my hair down, few drinks, live music, chat with friends and your mate brings her immobile 80 year old Mother? WTF?!

I would act completely different around my friends parents. I wouldn’t swear, I would talk about the same things, I’d feel obliged to make pleasant chit-chat.

Op, you sound like a really lovely person. Of course you're allowed to live your own life, you don't have to take your mum everywhere.

Ignore all those bullshit posts saying you're disablist etc.... You've dealt with accommodating others plenty, look after yourself too!

She must lack self awareness to invite herself like that and emotionally blackmail you when she doesn't get her own way. She is elderly but that doesn't mean she can invite herself to your social events and be shitty when you politely refuse. Bringing your mum along who doesn't know everyone in the group massively changes the dynamic, it wasn't in the plan to be her carer for the evening.

So, just to recap, demanding serial complainer with limited mobility who needs to sit away from music wants to tag along with her daughter’s foursome to a music event, and has a strop at the possibility of refusal? WHY? None of this sounds reasonable.

Ofgs. I don’t tag along with my daughter and her mates. I like them very much and we have a great relationship-but I definitely don’t want to cramp their style. I want my dd to enjoy herself. The OP clearly cares for her mother and is happy to be her companion-just not on the night when she’s arranged something else. Tbh, I’m surprised the mother is even making it a thing.

Being disabled is not a reason to gatecrash a party you were not invited to.