Three's a crowd

[Threesacrowd12]

What would you do.

Free music event in town. Going with another couple. We are all in our 50's.

Mentioned in passing to elderly mother, plans for the weekend. Said she might go with her friend. No problem

Next time we speak, wants to know what time we are going, mentions her friend not available and it suddenly dawns on me she thinks she is meeting us there.

Nearly eighty, no mobility so has a stroller, needs to sit away from music, lots of demands.

Try explaining that we are going with another couple, gets shitty about not supporting her.

Don't feel comfortable about mum tagging along, husband says he isn't going, changes the dynamics of the group (only 4 of us) and I can't see the other couple being too pleased about me bringing my mum (one of them knows her, the partner doesn't)

Apart from not going I see no other option

I think we are descending into unreality a bit here, surely? I cannot be the only one who would plan a night out to a gig with their mates and a separate activity (possibly less rowdy) with their elderly (mid 80s) DGM? I thought that was pretty normal? Am I being unspeakably ageist and ableist?!

It's not a "gig", it's a free music event that's obviously intended for all ages. DM had planned to go anyway.

So surely she should go as planned? That doesn’t involve tagging along with her DD who has made specific plans with a different group of people.

You have options other than not going.

1. You take your mum along with you all.
2. You take your mum and don't meet up with your friends (DH makes his own choice - friends, you & mum, alone, stay home).
3. Explain to mum that you can't look after her at this event. Is there anyone else who could help out if another ticket was available?

Not going at all is the worst choice, you would still feel angry and guilty. If your mum is upset because you decide not to take her maybe you can plan something else together.

So she goes as planned, which is now alone as her friend can't make it, and you and your friends watch her spend the evening alone?

It’s interesting. Because when the same question is asked on here about bringing along a child or even a teenager, the answer is always a resounding no. Because it will change the dynamic/not what people signed up for/cant talk how you usually do etc. This brings up all the same things but there are a lot more people saying it would be unreasonable and discriminatory to leave the Mum out. Something that no one seems to care about with kids. They really are the only group left where no one cares if they stereotype and discriminate against.

Just explain to mum that you are out with friends and you'll catch her another day.

Stick to your guns. Your are entitled to some time with friends/DP and you DP is entitled not to have your mum along.

I’m with you op. It would change the whole dynamic of the evening. Besides you hadn’t actually arranged to go with your mum!

This!
Keep it short and sweet and then move the conversation on quickly.

Probably not, it would feel callous wouldn’t it?

so in actual fact by insisting on still going OP’s DM is putting OP in a really tricky position, and actually the kind thing for her to do would be to sit this one out and let her DD and her SIL enjoy a night out with their friends. Instead she is making them feel bad.

Not particularly nice behaviour really and sounds like it is really stressing poor OP out.

Just explain you're going with friends. It changes the dynamic and you want to sit near the stage/music. You are entitled to go without her and don't have to be her social life.

😆 It's kinder for and elderly (presumably) widow to stay home alone on the day of a free music event in her town, than inflict her presence on her daughter and her friends? Wow.

She can make plans with other people, the important thing is not inviting herself along to a couples' night out where she doesn't even know one person in the other couple.

I bet there’s loads of lonely people where you live. Why haven’t you invited them to spend this evening with you?

Tell your friends you'll do something with them another time and just go with your mum. They'll probably appreciate a night out just them without you tagging along.

Some ridiculous comments. Inviting yourself along to someone else’s social plans when your presence will change the way people are able to access the social event is completely out of order. Even if it didn’t change the dynamic, you don’t invite yourself to things!
I’d never invite myself to my teenagers social plans, why would op’s mother think this was acceptable?

I think it’s really sweet, but I’m clearly in the minority.
Too many of us take our parents for granted, they won’t always be here, do you really want to look back on this and remember it as the time you upset her by saying you didn’t want her there?
Sorry to be that person, genuinely. But it’s the sort of thing I’d think about 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm part of a lovely group that quite often adopts odd balls actually. We met the last one at the airport, invited him to dinner on our first night and he slept on our sofa for the rest of the weekend. He's become an important part of the group. Hell I'm part of the group because one of them took me under their wing when I was widowed, and thank God for it.

Tagging along? Op arranged this evening with her friends. She wasn’t ’tagging along’.

I really really would not want/expect my adult children to take me to an event where they were going with friends. Your mother really does need some boundaries and she doesn’t even like music.

Now her DH isn't going, they might prefer to go just them and without her mum as an add-on. Then she and her mum can be together and everyone's happy (ish).

Her husband would go if her mother wasn’t there. The simple solution is that the mother doesn’t go and op gets to stick to the original plans she made and was looking forward to.

This whole ‘they might die soon’ thing is such bollocks. Any one of us could die at any time. Why does an elderly person’s mortality trump anyone else’s?

The only person who would be happy in this scenario is OP’s mum.

OP wanted to go with DH and friends
DH wanted to go with OP and friends
Friends wanted to go with OP and DH

this is utterly ridiculous. OP’s DM needs to accept that she’s not invited to this one.

There is going to be plenty of opportunities to go out with your “group”.
Sadly when you lose your mother you would give anything to just have her back for 5 minutes.
We don’t realise how selfish we’ve been in the past until our hearts are broken with grief.

And actually the one we should all be cross with is OP’s mum’s friend who let her down.