Three's a crowd

[Threesacrowd12]

What would you do.

Free music event in town. Going with another couple. We are all in our 50's.

Mentioned in passing to elderly mother, plans for the weekend. Said she might go with her friend. No problem

Next time we speak, wants to know what time we are going, mentions her friend not available and it suddenly dawns on me she thinks she is meeting us there.

Nearly eighty, no mobility so has a stroller, needs to sit away from music, lots of demands.

Try explaining that we are going with another couple, gets shitty about not supporting her.

Don't feel comfortable about mum tagging along, husband says he isn't going, changes the dynamics of the group (only 4 of us) and I can't see the other couple being too pleased about me bringing my mum (one of them knows her, the partner doesn't)

Apart from not going I see no other option

Say you can't because of other arrangements but offer something for her since we can't bring you to this we thought we would take you out for Sunday lunch next week

You shouldn't have to. I'm amazed that so many posters would apparently be delighted to have their elderly mums tag along to everything - all the time. I wonder if their husbands are so thrilled. Of course you want a social life beyond your mother. Who on god's earth spends their life joined at the hip with their parents? A woman should be able to have a break without being cast as the bitch from hell.

I would take her. Surely the other couple couldn't begrudge an elderly lady wanting a nice day out? It's not just young people that can enjoy themselves at these events. I guess you could ask another of her friends/slightly older family member if they want to come to keep her company?
Or just bring a folding camping chair and picnic blanket and just try and enjoy it.

Absolutely not! I wouldn't take her. You'd already made plans with your friends and she wasn't invited! It will completely change the dynamic and what you can do on the day.

Tell her you aren't taking her to that, but you can make plans to go to something else together. Maybe something more suitable if she needs to be away from loud music!

People here are being so odd, obviously tell her you’re going with other people

You’re the dickhead. Can’t stand people like you. Posting contrary views believing you’re witty and alternative. Pathetic. Fuck off.

I’d try this. Tell her it’s a long awaited date night with DH and your friends but you will gladly arrange to take her somewhere else that week - theatre / cinema wherever she wants. Or is there a day time bit where you could take her for an hour and then drop her home before meeting friends??

You’d have been better saying it was your husband’s mother OP. I suspect the enthusiastic proponents of uninvited elderly female guests to nights out would have been rather fewer in number and less vocal.

Different circumstances in different families.
I would definitely not take mine.
My parents were dickheads, you are just lucky.

This.

Your mum needs to be put on an information diet. If she dosen't know your plans, she can't invite herself along.

Stop telling her where you're going, she doesn't need to know and be involved in everything you do. It's so weird to me that people are telling you you need to take her because one day she'll be dead. What a horrible way to guilt trip someone.

I’d tell her your friends have chosen places / seats/ to stand very near the music , you can’t change that so it’ll be too loud for her. But you’d love to take her to X in a couple of weeks time.

Sorry OP, I have to giggle trying to picture this. It's a Sicknote gig, right?!

I think some of these posts are winding you up Op!!!

Ofc you can’t take your elderly, disabled mother who can’t be near loud music to a gig with your friends - end of! It will ruin your night. Just offer to do something together in a few weeks.

Good lord, just tell her no. She's incredibly rude to gate crash your social time with your friends.

I am disabled and often need help/support to attend events and if the person i'd planned to go with suddenly couldn't, there is absolutely NO WAY i'd crash someone elses party.

Do you think that everyone has a responsibility to be a caretaker first all the time?

we can love and care for people without martyring ourselves to them. It is more loving to kindly say ‘mum, this is an event I’m going to go and enjoy with my friends, I’d love to plan a concert with you soon’ than it is to take her + look after her while feeling cross and resentful about the night you would rather be having.

of course it’s OK for OP to want to enjoy a night in which she is responsible only for her own enjoyment.

Plan a future event with your mum, tell her you can’t be available to look after her but that you’d like to do X (find something specific!) - go and have a great time with your buddies.

You are not being doing anything wrong Op and there is some weird responses on here. You had arranged to go out with friends for a particular night out and your mum has invited herself. I think your mum is being quite selfish as she hadn’t been invited. Tell your mum that another night you will take her out and go and enjoy your night out with your friends

She invited herself. At nearly 80 she’s old enough to know better. It totally changes the mood to have your mother along when you’re meeting up with another couple. It also puts you into carer/fixer mode. You deserve some relaxation. I’m sure you invite her/take her to plenty of other things.

She wasn't invited, one of the friends that is going doesn't know her at all and now OP's DH doesn't want to go.

I would never dream of gatecrashing events or nights out with my adult children.

Next time mum - this time we’ve made specific plans with x and y and it would be discourteous not to give them my full attention.

It’s not ‘people’. It’s OPs Mum. so. Yes

That seems reasonable and your mum should understand that.

I'm not as old as your mum, I'm 55, but I often go out with my adult DC and their friends, so I'm your mum in this situation, and I would completely get it. I go with DC to gigs and on nights out, but crucially, when they ask me. And they ask me when they think I'd enjoy the company and the event and I'd fit with the dynamic. And because there's a generation between us, that's not always going to be the case. I'm surprised that a mum wouldn't understand this and if she gets huffy then she's being unreasonable. You sound like you do a lot to include her OP so feel no guilt that on this occasion its not for her.

Alot of people are saying about how the OP is not being inclusive because her mum is immobile but what about the fact that her mum has been rude and invited herself to an event that was pre planned to be as a group of friends then makes a load of demands about what should happen during the event. Does being disabled give her the right to be rude and entitled? And I say this as someone with multiple people in my family who are disabled! OP go and enjoy your night like you originally planned and tell your mum your sorry but you already made plans on this occasion.