Negative DIL

[Dinkiedoo]

Our DIL is so negative about everything.
We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.
What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.
I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

Does your son not thank you?

Well what is she contradicting you on?
Maybe she wants you to back off.

Why is it down to your DILA to thank you? And what views is it that that she doesn't like? People won't always agree on issues but if you know she doesn't like the views you're expressing then it's probably best not to express them in front of her.

Need more examples.

Are you sure she isn't just busy and stressed. I have young kids and honestly am just surviving half the time.

I think you could maybe exercise more grace. And also put some of the expectations on your son rather than purely blame DIL.

Is this the reverse of another OP on here today (from DILs point of view)?

But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.

Why do you blame your DIL for this, instead of your son?

Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.

More info, please? If you mean you’re expressing views and she’s disagreeing with them, that’s her right, is it not?

When we look after the kids we are told what to do.

Yes? Of course you are? What’s your complaint? They’re not your kids, why wouldn’t their parent(s) tell you how to look after them?

Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.

Such as? And are you aware that they’re not what the kids like prior to offering them? Would you prefer they accept gifts the kids disliked, as opposed to giving you the opportunity to get something they’d enjoy?

When you say ‘little snipes’ are they in response to ‘helpful’ suggestions?

My MIL constantly gave advice on cot bumpers, water for new born, weaning from 3 months etc… I had to constantly remind her that times have moved on, then all I’d hear is ‘I don’t know how you all survived’!

my oh my, sense a bit of projection going on here @ThatTealViewer , you sound angry. How about saying thanks to anyone who babysits your kids, regardless of what husband does. How about not telling anyone what to do when they are doing you the favour (sounds like micromanaging) and certainly how about not being rude enough to give gifts back to the giver with a negative comment. Lots of DILs who'll be shocked when they become MILS, shocked I tell you. 😂

The examples don’t exactly back up your idea that your DIL is so negative and such a problem.

When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
As they are her kids this seems fair and reasonable.
Small gifts often rejected as it’s not what kids would like.
Are you buying things the kids have no interests in? Do you take an interest in their likes?

Does your son say thank you? That should be enough surely.

Re the gifts, context is needed. If they are trying to raise their kids without an huge excess of toys/plastic tat, and you bring a present twice a month, then you are unreasonable. But if you buy thoughtful gifts twice a year, then your son is being unreasonable not to accept them gladly (assuming they are age appropriate and not enormous size-wise).

Re the negativity, can you give a couple of examples?

OP it’s impossible to know from your post whether you’re BU or not. Different generation things could be dangerous eg not using a proper car seat or smoking round the kids. So fair enough if she called you out on those. Gifts for the kids could be junk she doesn’t want cluttering up her house. Etc.

My MIL and I aren’t the best of friends but she’s a brilliant MIL from a grandparenting point of view.
Never buys the kids things that aren’t either useful (eg jammies) or she’s checked with us first. If she offers advice she does it in a really kind way - she’ll often say things like ‘I’m sure it’s all changed now but when you and DH were kids…’ or ‘I don’t know if people still do this but DFIL and I used to…’ She loves having the kids alone but never pressures us to leave them with her. Boundaries wise she’s amazing. So you could take a leaf out of her book and see if your DIL becomes less negative?!

Hard to comment without examples
Guidelines and parenting styles do change. My Mum has given me a fair bit of outdated advice and I haven't followed it. She did bottle feeding, dummies, baby porridge and rusks and I did none of that. I hopefully didn't offend her by not taking on her suggestions, but maybe I did! I've probably unclenched a bit now my PFB is older and I've had another one since.

Refusing gifts for the kids does sound a bit ungrateful and hurtful. When I lived in a small house I did dread people giving me more stuff to try and fit in it. With my Mum it was clothes rather than toys and eventually I had to just stop accepting things as she wouldn't stop when I asked her to stop.

What are you buying them and why do you need to buy them gifts?

I’m willing to bet your daughter in law and son have a house filled with toys. Do you think you’re the only ones caring for these kids and they aren’t getting from elsewhere? I say no to gifts from my parents and my in-laws for numerous reasons - we have so many toys already. My in laws or parents aren’t the ones tidying them away or finding somewhere to put them. We do a reward chart and a gift of DC’s choice when full, getting little gifts here, there and everywhere undermines the reward chart. Even when parents and in-laws do buy along the lines of DC’s interests we end up with duplicates because everyone sees the same toy they would like in Tesco. It’s fine to have 3 dinosaur colouring books as they’ll get used but we don’t need 3 Blueys. Birthday and Christmas are close together so rather than just piles and piles of tat very close together and nothing else throughout the year, I would rather one small gift and then money with which I can buy clothes, shoes, books etc throughout the year.

Telling what to do with the kids again is fair. I tel my parents how we treat bad behaviour as it’s different to how they did bad behaviour. I tell them what time DC should have meals and rather than giving the choice of the full menu, give them two choices from the menu because I know if you DC the choice of full menu, you’d never order and they would get hungry.

Interested to see what the little snippets about your generation are and what caused them?

First response nailed it.

I don’t think I’m the one projecting. I like my MIL very much and there was no anger whatsoever in my post.

Are you quite alright?

This.

Go through your son if you don't like your DIL.

I agree more information is needed.

I mean "telling us what to do" could mean anything. When my in-laws babysit (or anyone for that matter) I'll do a bit of a handover of things the person babysitting will probably need to know, for example "DC hasn't eaten yet but there's some sandwich things in the fridge, they can play out if they want to but only if they've finished tidying their room"

How old are the kids? She might be struggling or just in that awful bubble you’re in when they’re young that you just sleepwalk through it all and can be a bit selfish not meaning to be (I was anyway!)

We need some examples @Dinkiedoo

Have you tried doing what she asks when you look after the kids?

Have you tried listening to her about what the kids like and don't like and adjusted your 'little gifts' accordingly?

Where is your son in all this?

Next week on MN ‘ Why don’t DGPIL ever offer to babysit? Why do they never buy the kids any presents? Why don’t they just STFU and do exactly as I want without asking for thanks? Why do they do everything for their daughter’s kids and not wonderful mine?’

Search me, guv 🤷🏻‍♀️

We need more info.

If your DIL is saying that you must use a car seat in the car then that is very different to telling you not to give kids anything sweet.

I’ve heard of some appalling gifts on here so we can’t comment without more details. For example if they are too babyish, too big or broken toys from a charity shop then I understand where your DIL is coming from but if she’s declined because it’s not wood and fits her Instagram aesthetic then I agree with you.

She sounds annoying

whats a reverse? i've seen this comment a few times and never known what it meant?