Negative DIL

[Dinkiedoo]

Our DIL is so negative about everything.
We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.
What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.
I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

That is a huge assumption. I fail to see how you even got to this as she said her DS and DIL both treat them the same. We are hearing one side of the story. We don't know the history of this at all.

OP, why not just sit them down and ask if there is anything they need or can do to make their lives easier. Having kids is rough and you don't know everything going on in their lives. Communication is key as well as showing you care about them as a family.

This.

I also find it weird that you expect to be thanked for babysitting your DGC? Do you expect this every time?

I also find it weird that you expect to be thanked for babysitting your DGC?

What? You don't thank your family members if they step in to babysit or do childcare? They've given up their time, maybe turned other things down, to look after your child, and you don't think a thank you is appropriate?

I've had my grandchild for childcare today, ti cover a training day when her parents eere at work. I love having her, and offered without hesitation. We had a lovely day. But I'm on my own, 69, and I admit that since she left home I've been flaked out of the sofa. It's tiring. And I had to reschedule an appointment to do this.

When my DD picked her up, she thanked me, gave me a hug, and said how much she appreciated me stepping in. And I appreciated her expressing that. I don't know whether I'd have noticed the absence of a thank you, but if I never got one, I absolutely would.
I say thank you to supermarket workers. Why would I not thank someone for stepping in to look after my child when needed?

Disagree here. It depends what people are told to do and how they are told. Yes, the protocols for some things have changed but the DIL sounds patronising to me. I would never, ever have refused a gift for my DD even if I hated it. You accept gracefully and re-gift or donate. Very poor manners to refuse a gift.

They were talking about a specific car seat. They asked for a certain colour which was out of stock. Face on dil could have stopped a clock ! Son asked if we could exchange. Told them the situation. Dil said she supposed it would have to do.
We don't talk politics as we don't have any interest. But we have been accused of being bigoted when giving certain name to a foreign restaurant! Maybe generational

What name did you give it? If it was racist then I'm not surprised they made that accusation.

But we have been accused of being bigoted when giving certain name to a foreign restaurant! Maybe generational.

And maybe you are, in fact, racist bigots.

#teamDIL

You aren’t making it sound like she’s being overly unreasonable.
I would rather buy my own carseat than my in-laws buy me a bright red one or something.

Also no, being racist isn’t a generational thing.

What's the name you give to the restaurant?

I can think of two possibilities, both racist.

People mainly hate mils on mn don't you know you should be grateful for being allowed near them, must be available at the drop of a hat for free childcare, must only buy things parent (Dil) requests no odd treats, never make a comment even if Dil is saying it's hard, child won't can't...smile dummy say poor you and shut up. Even your son is no longer your business and these tiger mummies will happily kick their sons out wanting no contact once they have a girlfriend.
Seriously, Carry on your best doing what you feel is right buy treats as long as it's not diet related (banned) let lo keep them at yours for visits maybe so many Dils are divas on here luckily there are some really nice ones.

The only examples of the I can think of are racist.

Youve also been very reluctant to give examples and so far have only given one.

Can you elaborate ?

Either stop using racist terms for restaurants or put up with being taken up on it every time. It really isn’t that hard.

This is oddly disjointed.

I assume you referred to a Chinese restaurant the racist way. I don’t care what generation you are, everyone alive today knows it is racist. The same way you should no longer call the local corner shop run by a Pakistani family the name people used to use.

Do people really expect their parents to offer financial support....not everyone in their 50s to 70s are rolling in money lots of us lost everything in the 80s. Many have no pension other than minimum state ones because of what happened.

You purchased the wrong car seat without checking that son and dil would be happy with your choice

And you use a racist term for a "foreign" restaurant and excuse yourselves by saying its a generational faux pas

Wow - you sound delightful

I'm team DIL

I'd be over the moon if you bought us a car seat. Those things are expensive! If the colour was a bit garish or something I might have a chuckle but I would be happy nonetheless. If she liked grey and you bought black or something, then she is incredibly rude to even mention it.
Once the seat has been sullied by wee/mud/sick/crumbs, these things tend to lose their importance. I hope she loosens up and learns to pick her battles as time goes on.

As for the "bigoted" term for the restaurant, you are going to get roasted alive on Mumsnet for admitting to that as everyone here knows the up to date, politically correct terms for everything and would instantly go no contact with their own Gran for uttering anything like that.

In the real world, we all have those moments when grandad says something un PC but there are ways to let someone know those words aren't considered OK anymore without calling them bigots and falling out with them. She is correct though that either of the terms you might have used are considered offensive now.

Those words have been used to insult and abuse ethnic minorities so that's why people don't use them as a descriptor anymore.

Isn't it normal to say thanks for giving the kids a great time or thanks for giving us the break etc? Why have manners gone out of the window? You can enjoy doing something but thanks doesn't ever hurt.

If I had offered to buy my DGC a car seat in green, and only red was available, I would contact my child and ask for guidance. Red or wait/source from elsewhere.

I am assuming you used an outdated term for Chinese restaurant. The correct response would be to thank her for bringing it to your attention that this term was now considered racist and explain you were unaware.

Any other examples? It sounds like a communication issue tbh. One that should be resolvable.

Why were you being racist about a restaurant presumably your not 90 you know it's wrong no excuse for that I grew up in the 60s and 70's we heard it all we don't agree with it or use it. I wouldn't want my grandchildren exposed to racist language.

Wow. Even if my Mil would get little things not to my liking I would acknowledge the thought behind, thank her and make my children thank her. It's called being polite. Can you tell her (not infront if the children) that her behaviour hurt your feelings (give specific occasions)? If she still doesn't care I think you just have to treat her like a distant relative and save your love for the children..

You sound lovely, can you be my mil instead please?

When you say generational, how old are you?

I'm in my 50s and have never used certain terms that other posters are alluding to.

My dm and my FIL are in their early 80s. They both would not now use certain terms that may have been socially acceptable in the 70s and 80s.

Mu uncle on the other hand, does still use such terms. But that is because he is a nasty piece of work. Always was.

So how old are you @Dinkiedoo and what was the term used?

It's not generational. You're nazty racists and got called out on it.