Negative DIL

[Dinkiedoo]

Our DIL is so negative about everything.
We do what we can with the grandkids. Buy them stuff. Babysit etc .
But there is barely a word of thanks to be honest but hey they our grandkids.
What pees us off is the negativity. Little snipes about our generation and our views on different things.
When we look after the kids we are told what to do.
Small gifts often rejected as its not what kids would like.
I find we are both backing off which we don't like but sick of being contradicted every time we open our mouths .

They sound totally unreasonable about the car seat.

You sound unreasonable about the name of the restaurant- a Chinese maybe?

I'd start calling it the Chinese from now on, but the car seat, they cost a fortune I'd take whatever gratefully, safety always mattered more than looks and you got the model you asked for. I do think it's easy to blame the daugther in law, but going back to the first comment if she's the one picking up after a day of childcare I would expect her not the son who may not be there to be thanking, and if they're both there I'd be expecting both to thank both of you, you've just saved them nigh on £100. They can do better, but I suspect you can do to. We all need to adjust to each other, not excusing racism is a good start.

She sounds like someone who doesn't approve of in-laws' use of racist terminology to describe a type of restaurant. The OP calls it generational, most people would call it racist unless the OP and her husband are in their 90s, and even in that case most very elderly people recognise that the racist terms used during the 60s and 70s are no longer acceptable.

They should both thank you for providing free childcare.

They're being unfair about the colour of the car seat.

They're right to call you out on the restaurant thing. It's not a generational thing - I can't think of any racist terms for restaurants or shops that it's been acceptable to use this century, which we're nearly a quarter of the way through.

1. stop buying things. They can’t moan about what you don’t buy
2. spend on the dgc by taking them out. Experiences over material things. Any toys/ books can stay at your house for when they’re with you.
3. Discuss nothing with dil except the children, and in very factual terms. We went to x today. Not dgc really loved that we took them to x today— she’ll see that as competitive or a slight on her. Ask politely about her day/ family whatever but never comment.

Is the car seat pink?
I am not fond of lots of pink or sparkle, particularly when I am supposed to be grateful someone has bought me a pink gift when they know how much I hate pink. It’s like a smirky power play by the gifter.

A car seat is something that will be used every day. For example if it's a really bright colour then that would be really irritating

And using racist language is not generational. Its just wrong

@thursdaymurderclub , It's when you post something but pretend you are the other person.

e.g. 'AIBU for calling my MIL a control freak?' when you are the MIL in question.

As soon as a son gets a girlfriend he should have no unapproved contact with his mother, the girlfriend on the other hand should keep her own mother as important....see mothers day threads etc. The site is full of my mum is this that and the other perfect his mum is unreasonably nasty etc. people forget families are different it doesn't make one right and the other wrong but we see how we are brought up as normal( abuse excepted) there is no tolerance or thought of how our partner feels. We also assume we are allowed to be controlling about our offspring as mothers to under 18s to the extent of undermining the father but on reaching 18 we think our feelings will disappear and will melt into insecurity if we have sons. The site is quite often nuts.

Put into this context it does seem a bit unbalanced.
I thought that there might be a few more examples of the unreasonableness. It may be that like me, DIL is unfortunate enough to have RBF, or maybe she genuinely didn't like the car seat in the colour (which she had been clear on) that was offered?

I'm interested to know a bit more about how the son reacts in these sorts of situations.

Agree with @janeavrilavril .

Your post did come over as angry, same as @Herewegoagainandagainandagain Who copied your style.* *

And the "Are you quite alright?

Passive Agressive much!

Hmm she sounds like a cow about the car seat tbf. If you were using racial slurs to describe a restaurant (was it a Chinese?) then yes I’d expect you to be pulled up on that as it’s not acceptable and “different generations” doesn’t cut it.

“telling you what to do “ with the kids, I think that depends. Unless it’s something harmful then I do think to an extent if you’re getting free childcare you have to suck it up. Used to have to bite my tongue when mine were small and I was paying £££ for childcare so I could work and I had friends whose parents/ILs did it free and my friends would moan about trivial things not being done their way

That is how she is? You dislike her to put it on here. What does she says? Personal insults or constant criticising ...Stop doing it for her then, tell her you are great of having your free time for you from now on

Can you explain what you mean by we assume we are allowed to be controlling about our offspring as mother to under 18s to the extent of undermining the father.

And literally all I said was a mother shouldn't get involved in her son's marriage when the marriage is more important and should come first. Unless you think a MIL should butt into the marriage?

If we are comment on posting styles....I appreciate the analysis, but if detecting passive aggression is your specialty, you might want to reread your own post.

It’s ironic to come off so concerned over someone else’s perceived tone while doing it yourself. Maybe self awareness just isn't part of your style.

Oh the challenges of getting it right when you are a GP! Particularly if you are the paternal GPs. Word of advice, smile , put up and shut up! I apologise if that comes across as rude, wasn't meant to be

Absolutely this !! Anyone looking after your child ,whoever they are and whatever the reason most definitely should be thanked …would consider I had failed as a Mum if my children had such a privileged attitude!

Your son should have thanked you.

But you sound like a racist and I wouldn't be having my kids around you.

So did you tell them the colour of car seat was out of stock & consult on which other colour to get? Or try somewhere else?

My speciality, concerned?? OK 👍.

This.

Do you have the mindset ‘beggars can’t be choosers?’

I’m sure in no other situation (with say friends/colleagues/partner) would you buy a gift that you knew wasn’t quite what they wanted and expect them to like it or lump it. I’m sure your body language was telling her how you really meant, even if you didn’t call her a beggar I.E. did you give the car seat and say ‘black was the closest we could get to grey, is that ok?’ Or was it ‘there wasn’t a grey so here’s the black one’.

Are you sure she wants you babysitting, or is that just to please you/your husband?

Im not sure how old you are op, but my mother was born in the very early 60s. I’d heard someone call a Chinese a racist word as a child and asked what it meant, she went mad and said it was something not to be repeated. I never uttered it since, never heard my grandparents (born in the 1920s) refer to it as that word either, or anything else remotely racist either. There’s no excuse.

Are you quite alright?

My grandfather was born in 1918. I never heard him utter a racist slight in his life.

The terms and parameters of acceptable terminology may change, but this is not a generational malady and it's insulting to older generations - not referring to your post here but some others upthread - to claim it is. (If I hadn't made it clear, I'm in agreement with your post).

A racist is a racist.